BLO Bright Line Eating Official Facebook group

There are so many inspiring stories on FaceBook if you look at the Bright Line Official page, and yet, after two years mine isn't one of them.  YET. In today's vlog Susan mentioned that for some of us the plan just isn't working. And true to her mission she is not giving up on us. In December the new Rezoom book is due to publish, and in 2022 the new mission is for 1 Million of us to be in Bright Sized Bodies by 2025. Per her feedback on the program they are well on their way to meeting this goal. It's encouraging that she has a 'no man left behind' mentality, and is thinking globally. Mission #2, to have global obesity rates declining by 20..30? 40? I don't remember.  But here's the vlog. 

The bowl of dark chocolate covered pretzels at midnight left me in pain and depressed this morning. So far so bright today, but that is nothing unusual. It's the demons that come out at dark that persist in pestering me. During the day I am determined to fight for the bright night ahead that is still possible. But then comes the haunting hour and finally after a brief battle it's a relief to give in and eat something. Christ, bottom line maybe I'm just crazy.

Anyway. Today's food plan went out the window at lunch when I picked up a lettuce wrapped burger while getting Cal his chicken stars. We really need to wean him off of those. So still bright, but off plan. I topped it off with snap peas and a peach.

The day's gloom is pressing up against the windows, the cold creeping in and coating the room in grey. I'm glad there is minestrone soup left over for dinner, at least that is a cheerful thought.

Tomorrow's food will be about cleaning out the fridge and using up the vegetables that need to be eaten. There are beans and soyrizo for proteins, as well as nuts and seeds. So while I am not writing down a specific menu, I do have a plan. R cooked oatmeal this morning and I haven't had that in a while, so that's breakfast planned at least. Then lots of veggies, as usual, for lunch and dinner.

Four O'Clock, time for dinner.

Food and Whine

The angst of the day has subsided, and I've finished my work. All is calm, if not Bright. It was only a few pieces of Triscuit with butter after lunch, so I feel I escaped with minimal damage. And it's easy to forgive the small slip given what could have happened.

Today's food

•  b: hash browns, egg, salsa, cheddar chz, banana
•  l:  minestrone soup, extra spinach, cream cheese, soyrizo, apple. triscuits & butter
• d: Pozole take out; easy to weigh out a dinner portion

Tomorrow's food

•  b: left over pazole, egg, grapes 
•  l:  spaghetti squash, marinara, ricotta, parmesan chz & an apple
• d: minestrone soup, extra spinach, cream cheese, soyrizo

I'm keeping  my food simple tomorrow as I did for today, opting for take out at dinner and foregoing the chores of cooking and cleaning up, Everyone needs a break once in a while, no? Sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but dishes and laundry, one load after another and another and another. It's not true of course, those are but a small part of what I do, but time being relative and all that, it does seem that way more often than not.

Seems I am still somewhat gloomy, and will cut this short and head to bed.

Mostly gloom and doom

I got dressed, brushed my hair, and headed out to have my eyebrows done. Walking into the mostly empty nail salon, I said my usual, "eyebrows please?"  The girl at the front desk was busy with a Dremel tool sanding away on her customer, and barely gave me a glance. I looked back into the shop and there were two other employees sitting in the foot massage chairs just hanging out. Since no one jumped up to help me, I assumed that waxing was not part of their repertoire. 

Once again I asked the front desk girl if it would be  much of a wait. "Just give me a few minutes", she responded, sounding disinterested. "Never mind", I replied, "I can see that you're busy". And out the door I went, making it to my car before bursting into tears.

Obviously something was wrong. I took a moment to assess the situation; there had been nothing in my closet I wanted to wear this morning so I had on a baggy, wrinkled, green sweater.  I had decided once again to quit having my decaf coffee in the  morning, so maybe I was a little out of sorts. And I was mad at Harry for dying. What? I let myself yell at him as I drove to Mickey D's for a medium decaf coffee with cream. (Two lines broken, a snack and an extra fat.) Once sipping on the coffee I headed home to farm online, the comfort available to me in my self-constructed closet of a world.

But instead I sat down to write, and to try to figure this out. Why am I so mad at him? Because he hadn't reached out to me as he was dying? (Romantic nonsense) Because he was the only person who had ever held me with love and passion? (Real, but histrionic.) That somewhere deep inside I really had believed we would find each other again? (Fantasy, it would never have worked out.)

Much calmer now, I realize I am just moving through my grief. As unexpected as it is, it's there and ignoring it won't do me a bit of good. So accepting that I am mad at him is healthy, and reviewing why is helpful in calming me down.  Because it's not based on reality. At all. Yes I wanted 'us' to work out. But I wanted a partner with all of his virtues and none of his issues - after all it was the latter that was partly to blame in driving us apart, and nothing there was going to change. He was who he was, and if he didn't want to explore that with me, well, that was his choice. His path. 

In releasing my anger towards him, I find it redirected at myself. Why have I made my world so small that I have no one to meet for drinks and commiserate with me? And as always the answer comes back to Joey, and of the undisputable (in  my  mind) fact of me not being worthy of a bigger  life. That my mission right now is to do the best I can for my grandkids and just exist until this can all be over. I thought I had gotten past that, that I had decided to live a real life and not just exist, but apparently not. And I think that Harry dying just pointed a big old finger at me, the universe pounding the point home that I ...what... that I aren't trying hard enough? That I need to either accept a small life or do something about it? Just thinking about it is so overwhelming I feel  myself pulling back, a tortoise retreating into his shell, to the small, dark, safe inside.

A small life can be a good life, so why am I still struggling with the notion that it should be more than what I have, bigger and more meaningful? Because I believe that we are here to experience life, and I'm not doing a very good job of it. Damn, and here come the tears again. All of the books I loved as a girl growing up have a strong heroine who fights and wins whatever the situation. So yes, I have high expectations of myself and the disappointment can be overwhelming that I have fallen so short.

And now I am fed up with my whining, and a little bit of a different kind of mad starts to set in. Because I know I have a good life, that I am worthy and loved. But I feel like Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets, so frustrated because it's been so long since she's had feelings of wanting to be held and loved. And I know that if I keep living a small life, I will never meet  someone new. Never connect with another partner. And at this age I could have another 15 year relationship - since that seems to be the limit of my patience with partners.

'Working' on myself is exhausting. I don't want to do it, I just want life to miraculously open up and provide what I need for exactly who I am. 

This journal entry began with the intention of looking at the stages of grief to modify them and examine where I am in the process so I can be prepared to move on. Instead it turned into a rant, a pity party, an abysmal glance into how I see myself and how distorted it is. But it's my truth right now, and I don't see a way out except to just accept it. And I don't see that happening. So a rock and a hard place.

I guess I'm just waiting to see if I end up as a a diamond or dust as my world shifts around me.

BLE: Soup weather

We had a productive Sunday around here, Mikel missing church to stay home and check off a couple honey-do projects; fixing the laundry room door and hanging a cabinet for me in my bedroom. Rhiannon switched the door on the dryer for better access from the washer, and I took Cal to the park to get him out of the way.

Later in the day Rhiannon cleaned out gutters while I swept up; rain is forecast this week - we can hope at least.

Bright all day, then bread and butter at bedtime. It's my drug of choice when I need to sleep, and I did get in a solid six hours last night thank heavens. That really needs to stop, the bread not the sleep, and as always I am optimistic this  morning about making that happen.

Today's food 

•  b: hash browns, egg, salsa, banana & grapes
•  l:  spaghetti squash, marinara, parmesan, whatever the ripest fruit is
• d: minestrone soup

Alanna made a list of meals, and today I'm making minestrone soup using the instant pot. Maybe we are doing it together? We shall see. But it will entail a trip to the store I think, I'm not sure, I need to go through the cupboards first. We may have everything already.

The cooler weather, due mostly to the onshore winds flying up from the bay, have been lovely. But I'm not really ready for the 60s! Better than the 90s I suppose. So I guess I am still a little out of sorts and a bit grumpy to be complaining about the weather. We can just blame it on  my age, it's what I am supposed to do after all. Complain. Wow. Moving on.

I enjoy Monday's now. It's sort of a catch up day; straightening out after the weekend, catching up laundry, watching too much TV. Hanging out with Cal is the priority though, and we have a good time together. I think it's time to start taking our walks again (back to the weather, god) now that it's cooled off, and have fun collecting things. Maybe we should start painting and hiding rocks around the neighborhood, I think he would like that.

Okay, off to start the day. I'm so grateful to be able to stay home instead of riding in to the office. So grateful Mondays aren't a PITA anymore.

Goodbye Harry

 I found out this morning that an ex-partner of fifteen years had passed from Covid last week.  I haven't seen or spoken to him in years, he had disappeared out of my life without a word after a bittersweet parting one  morning. We had been out drinking the night before, and I had spent the night.  I can still recall exactly how we were standing in front of his house, looking at each other as I began to cry, "It doesn't work when we are together and it's not working being apart. I don't know what to do." "We'll figure it out", he says, giving me what I thought was a heartfelt hug. For years I couldn't decide if I never heard from him again out of compassion for me so I could move on in my life without him, or because he was just tired of us. I'll never know, so I choose to believe the former explanation; we must not speak ill of the dead.

He died on the 10th, and it's interesting to look back on my journal entry from the 11th. At some level, did I feel his leaving?

Do I believe at some level we are all connected and his death had impacted my mood that day? That there are no coincidences? I just don't know, not really, but a part of me likes to think that I knew and was grieving. Another part cries Bullshit! and moves on. She is a little manners challenged, that one, but I love her anyway.

Harry gave me archery, and I cherish most of my memories hiking through National Forests with him at competitions. He had become rather cranky in the latter years of our relationship; about not shooting well, about other archers, about the weather. He never could open up to me and tell me what was really going on, and eventually I guess we broke under the combined pressure of our independent moods. I know I changed after Joey died, just as I have changed again now, caring for my grandson. That's what life is after all, one change after another. 

I hope this change is one for the better for him, that his next journey brings him the peace he couldn't find in this one. Well, at least not the last few years he was with me. Reading his obituary at first I wondered who this man was they were writing about. But then I pieced it out and found the man I knew and loved.  Smart, loving to learn, playing music, being outdoors. It was just set in unfamiliar surroundings and with strangers. Maybe he found something good with them; one can hope.

I'm glad that he found someone, a family he could be with, and I truly hope he found some happiness. Do I wish he had taken better care of himself? Yes. Do I wish I hadn't heard the news? Yes. Do I wish he had kept in touch with his daughter and grandchildren instead of disappearing? Absolutely.  But everyone has a story, and not really knowing his, once again I choose to give him some slack.

It was strange, tracking down online where he lived, seeing his blue truck parked out front of the house, and knowing that's where he has been living. Florida of all places. Another Republican dead to Covid, and my Tough Chick part says, "good riddance!" God I can be mean and unfeeling, but at least I usually keep her contained.

I was telling R earlier that I hadn't realized that there was still a part of me that was expecting him to come back, so we could be the old fogies together out shooting at archery competitions. What do I do with that? Am I never going to shoot again? Am I going to ever be healthy enough and strong enough to go hike and shoot? And by myself? The grief wells up and I let the tears come as I mourn my friend, my lover, my past. All for selfish reasons I guess, but for what he lost too, because we could have had fun I think.

When we first kissed there was an electric spark that passed between our lips. Maybe it was a windy day, maybe it was kismet, but it changed my life for the next fifteen years. Now I can put that chapter of my life to bed, and just remember the best times, and let the rest go. Rest in peace,  you grumpy old man.

BLE: An unfinished day

 My saboteur was in full force this morning as I lay in bed, wondering what the day would bring. Everything was all of a sudden so hopeless and the only future I could imagine was gloomy and fraught with disasters. STOP, I told myself.

The mood didn't last long, before six Cal was peeking in to ask for help with getting his pajama bottoms back on after his trip to the loo. He climbed in and we snuggled while he watched Arthur, and all of a sudden everything was okay. Yes, I should be able to self-soothe at my age, but it's so much easier with a small child to remind you of love and being needed.

My existence confirmed, I got up to start the day. One scoop of real coffee and one scoop of decaf later I was buzzing about setting the house to straights. Laundry in after scrounging about for anything white, dishes set to run and counters wiped down, living room picked up and curtains opened. Then most important of all, unpacking the Fall sheets and changing my bed. There are few things I like more than wearing summer pajamas between flannel sheets at the beginning of the Autumnal season,  when it's still too warm for goose down comforters and too cold for cotton sheets.

Exhausted after work last night I rolled into bed - a whole two feet from my desk chair- and never gave a thought to journaling. It's okay, I don't have to be perfect, and I did read from my gratitude journal and mark off my wants of the day before tucking in to bed for the the night. Another Bright night lies behind me, which makes me wonder why I woke up so grumpy. Maybe I should check the moon.

Today's food (8oz veg lunch and 12oz dinner) 

•  b: triscuits & colgy jack cheese, banana
•  l:  chopped salad, beans & seeds, bleu cheese dressing, apple
• d: carrot fries, roasted grape tomatoes, jalapeno sausage

I've been struggling with splitting the vegetables evenly, 10 and 10, so I am going back to my old standard. If it's a salad at lunch it's 8oz leaving 12oz cooked veggies for dinner. If it's a prepped meal at lunch it's 6oz cooked veggies leaving a 14oz salad for dinner. That's what works, so why did I feel the need to change it? Especially now that I have the dressing extender of vinegar, nutritional yeast, and mustard figured out and won't be going over on my fat for the occasional large dinner salads.

And work is texting...back later.

BLE: The day after - what I'm not sure - but the day after

So exhausted from doing NOTHING yesterday, I went to bed forgetting to journal and commit my food for today. Standing in front of the refrigerator this  morning I didn't like the way I felt - unorganized, unprepared, having to make a decision about what to make for breakfast. Luckily the left over veggies from the pot roast were right in front so the  potatoes were easy to grab for my 'grain' and eggs over easy are always - well - easy!

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: red potatoes, eggs over easy, banana & green grapes
•  l:  chopped salad, beans & seeds, bleu cheese dressing, apple
• d: meatball soup w/ lots of spinach

Why I didn't do any food prep yesterday is a mystery. I was sort of frozen, which hasn't happened in a while, and I spent way too much time in front of the TV and computer. And it was an absolutely gorgeous day outside, what a waste! But no beating up on myself, until I broke out the peanut butter toast after lunch I had been bright for longer than usual. Maybe I just needed a bunny slipper day but didn't realize it.  My Bad.

There is lots to do today, including straightening out the garage to make a place to listen to records. Alanna has a friend coming over Friday and they need a spot to hang out. Finally the boxes and boxes and boxes of records will come in handy!  I hope they find something to listen to that they love. Thank you Jimmy <3

I even forgot my gratitude journal yesterday, what the heck? I guess I need an emergency action plan for when I wake up in a funk. And I know what it was, it was the pain in my legs. Worse instead of better as expected, and too stubborn to take pills. If I had just taken the pills and gone outside the day would have gone much better. Note to self, get over yourself!!

Funky morning?

1. self assessment - what's wrong, take steps to remedy the situation

2. get outside, even if it's just sitting in the back yard for a few minutes

3. make sure your food is prepped and in order

4. use the paper journal to figure it out and  move forward

Okay, off to get back on track. Back later to commit tomorrow's food.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: hashbrowns, scrambled egg, cheese, salsa, banana & grapes
•  l:  homemade cauliflower crust pizza, pears & blueberries
• d: green chili corn, beans, cream cheese

Bright all day, dinner was a little heavy on veg but delicious, and I'm feeling a little hungry tonight. We just watched the British Baking Show - food porn- and we'll see how it goes. If I don't get through the night Bright I may have to not watch this season 😞

I'm really looking forward to making lunch tomorrow. Cal has school so I can come home and concentrate on getting the measurements right and pre-cook the crust. I'm planning on artichoke hearts, spinach, red onion and grape tomatoes for the veg on top and a nice sprinkling of red chili pepper flakes. My brain may be a bit too lit for this, but oh well.

I got a lot done today, making a nice dent in the garage. I also did lots of climbing at the park with Cal, thinned out some toys from the living room, and did the dishes that were left over from the weekend - I wasn't the only one slacking off for some R&R.

I've just reviewed my gratitude list before bed, and I'm looking forward to waking up Bright. I found a couple of tops I would like to fit into this winter, so I am hoping that is not triggering for me. I know why feeling or looking thinner is still a challenge, but I'm ready to do the work to get past that. A topic for another day, I'm beat!

BLE: JFTFP

The pot roast for dinner was delicious, there is nothing like brussels sprouts cooked with a roast and I am glad there are enough leftovers for a few meals. I did use red potatoes and there are two small ones in each 10oz portion of veggies in the containers, but we don't have them often.

It was a busy day, more than I usually accomplish; shower, weekly meeting, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and I am not too unsatisfied with my pain level tonight. I was definitely moving better today which was a relief. I am hoping the level of pain continues to drop as I stay bright with my food.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, fruit salad (banana, pear, grape, orange, blueberry)
•  l:  chopped salad, garbanzo beans & pepitias, bleu cheese dressing, fruit salad
• d: pot roast, carrots, brussels sprouts, onions, potato

I had quite a few little conversations with my parts today as temptations came and went. "Remember how great it felt this morning to wake up and know you were still bright." And, "I really want to know what it feels like to be in a smaller body, so let's not eat that." Then the classic, "I really want that too, but we don't have to eat it today - maybe tomorrow or next weekend I'll feel strong enough to splurge." Which is a flat out lie of course, but I fell for it.

At one point today I had to run to CVS to pick up some aluminum foil to cover the post roast, and found myself standing in the bakery isle. "Really?", I asked "Is anything here worth feeling like crap about yourself?" The answer was a resounding no and I left the store with only the foil under my arm, shaking my head at my foolishness.

The kids went to the pumpkin patch after dinner, and showed up at home later with pints of Ben and Jerry's to round out the evening. I read the labels, swooning a little over the Dulce de Leche, then left to sit in the living room and wait for Lego Masters to start. I am double dipping into my gratitude journal tonight to make sure I go to bed in the right frame of mind!

I really am enjoying how freeing it is to get up each morning not having to figure out my meals for the day. I guess I've done enough parts work that the rebel who just couldn't do that in the beginning has stepped out of the way.

And I'm not stressing about how many days and night's I've stayed bright. It's enough to know I was bright yesterday, bright today, and plan to be bright tomorrow. It feels like I am finally building my bright line identity by following the plan one day at a time, instead of being on a diet.

Tonight I'm sending a prayer out into the universe, 'please let this be my moment, please help me stay the course.'  And finally, 'please let me sleep tonight!' 

BLE: Bright as a shiny new penny

Tonight I didn't eat my planned dinner. The kids went out for their dinner, and so brought in pizza for the grand's dinner before they left. I knew this would be a challenge, so I decided that I would have pizza for dinner too. The plan worked well and I had no desire to even nibble at the NMF sitting in the kitchen. I was even the one who packed it up and put it away after work. My cauliflower crust pizza had red sauce, spicy soyrizo, spinach, red onions and - the splurge of the day - Kalamata olives. I say splurge because my fat at dinner was the home made ranch dressing, a wonderful companion to my spicy pie. No cheese on the pizza meant I wasn't stuffed, but just pleasantly full after my dinner. I guess technically dinner was a little wobbly when it comes to my bright lines.

But I have had this before, and ordered knowing we had already analyzed this particular pizza and that the personal size vegetarian was a Bright 'one plate meal'; the ingredients are bright even if the portions are a little off. It leaves me satisfied and has never been a trigger for more, or for the 'real' thing. It's a win win in my book, even if it does light up my brain a little bit.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: pot roast, carrots, brussels sprouts, onions, celery

I don't usually plan two meat heavy dishes in the same day, but I woke up this morning craving pot roast - well, the veggies we cook with the roast actually - and so the plan is to slow cook one tomorrow with tons of veggies in the biggest roasting pan so there are left overs.  The meatball salads I have been having are so delicious, I knew I would be disappointed tomorrow if I didn't have one again - so there you have it.

It was a nice family night around here this evening. First exploring with Mario in the new (to us) Nintendo game that R downloaded this  morning, then watching the new sitcom, Ghosts, with the actress we liked in iZombie. I skipped out on a couple of hours of work, just too exhausted to crunch numbers, in order to do this and I will have to  make up the time tomorrow, but it was worth it.

It's a good feeling, having a couple of Bright days and nights under my belt. But it's also scary because this is when I usually break. But not tonight, I am focused and ready to question the hell out of any part who thinks they need a snack tonight. I am going to bed grateful for all I have, who I am, and all I have been. I am going to bed clear on why I want to do this. Peace, health, cute jeans, and sleep.

BLE: Doing the work - Bright Line Freedom

I am a Bright Liner

I want to have peace of mind around food

I want to walk without pain

I want to have better bloodwork

I want to wear size 12 jeans

I want to sleep better

Reading this list of why I want to lose weight, and checking off each day that I do read it in my gratitude journal is becoming a better habit. And I find myself repeating the list at odd times after first trying to remember what they are! Wait a minute, what was the first one? Oh yea, peace of mind. Then what? Hmmm...  and so on. And then repeating them in order. It's so crazy, it's as though a part of me doesn't want me to have access to this list so I actually won't remember why I want to lose weight.  

Which brings me to my parts work yesterday. I fought hard to not put just one more cookie in my mouth. There it was, sitting all alone on the counter in a snack cup - which makes me feel good now that I think about it that Cal can leave a cookie uneaten! Go him! Anyway, I reached out to my tough chick and asked, is this you that wants to eat the cookie? Because I really don't want it. But she just looked over to a younger child, slowly shaking her head. "This is you?" I ask the little girl quietly, and the memory surfaced unbidden. Her memory, her sadness, her need to fill.

It's easy to see that we have different parts inside of us, being born of trauma while our personalities were developing as babes and children - throughout our whole lives really. But to realize that they have distinct and separate personalities from our 'own true selves' is a little disturbing. They can highjack my brain? My thoughts? My intentions? Yes, it turns out they can.  I met this new one yesterday. She is about eleven years old, and writing 'dirty' words on the bathroom wall in lipstick. It's a vague memory, the actual deed, but what I remember most clearly is being lined up with my brother and sister and interrogated by our parents as to whom had done this thing - as if it was intended to hurt them.

I see now that I was screaming out for attention, for someone to notice that my brother was molesting me and to make it stop. Why we can't find words to just ask for help is beyond me to understand. I know as an adult that it's the most difficult thing in the world to speak truth to power to those closest to us. There must be a survival mechanism at work here that keeps the words from leaving our mouths. Don't rock the boat or you will be thrown off? I don't know why it's such a strong trait,  but it has done me a great disservice both in my childhood and in my more mature years. If only we could just speak plainly and truthfully more often. but I digress.

I thought briefly about apologizing to my mother and siblings, but there has been enough grief around this topic (the molestation, not the lipstick) and I have no wish to open this wound. I think realizing why I did it and forgiving that little girl who stood with her lips sealed instead of confessing under pressure is the important part of this revelation. Because I do forgive her. She tried hard in her own way to ask for help, and I have to respect that. No longer will I feel guilt for not confessing when pressed to do so. Could it really have been such a mystery? Didn't my parents suspect? No one ever reached out to me wondering why anyone would do such a thing. No. Just the interrogation, like we had done something horrible to them.  There is a relief in me, letting that go, loving that little girl and finally after a life of guilt letting her know I understand and forgive and accept what she did on our behalf. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a 'present' weight in my life - just a memory that would pop up from time to time that was filled with regret and extreme guilt that I wasn't able to tell the truth. Being more clear of mind and doing my parts work has let me really see the bigger picture this time the memory surfaced, that's all.

I go to this little girl, huddled on cold tile, straggly sun-kissed hair drooping around her face, and lift her chin. Wipe away her tears. Sit with her and hold her close. I let her know how brave she was, and how thankful I am she was strong enough to try to help. I let her know we are older now, and ready to leave all this behind us. We get up and take a walk outside around to the back of the house where my grandfather once had a garden. I show her the sunflowers growing tall and bright, and tell her my secret. "You can put your sorrows into the seeds of those flowers, and they will turn into little black birds and fly away. And you can stay and play in the garden whenever you want; we can be happy now." And I leave her there digging peacefully in the dirt, the sun shining on her face.

She is not the first part to release pain in that garden, and I can't help but wonder if there are more to come. And so the healing continues.

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) Yesterday was so good it's just a repeat

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: soyrizo, chili corn mix, cream cheese

Another Bright night under my belt. Go Me.

BLE: From a cookie to commitment

Well, today did not go as planned. I'm not sure why. Calvin asked for his new cookies from Trader Joe's and after putting three in his snack cup I ate one myself. WTF? Vegan, organic, but still flour and sugar. It's like my brain did a stall and my hand took over. CRAZY. So of course then 'what the hell' took over and I ate a couple of meatballs without making the salad they were to go on - so no veggies for dinner.

I tell myself that I'm not counting how many days I stay Bright anyway, that it's just a little hiccup, but I would be lying if I were to say I'm not disappointed. Just same old me, same old behaviors. But not really. Because I will be bright tonight and again tomorrow. That is what matters. Just do the next right thing. Maybe I should watch Alice in Wonderland - she knows that rule.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, peach
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing
• d: soyrizo, chili corn mix, cream cheese

I commit to staying bright through the night. I will not let this stupid little cookie distract me from my wants.

I want to walk without pain

I want to have peace of mind around food

I want to have better blood work

I want to wear size 12 jeans

Oh, and I added one this morning that I had forgotten!

I want to sleep better.

Fasting from dinner at 4pm until I break my fast at 8am gives me a nice 'healing' window. I will not ruin that tonight.

Time for tea and to check on the facebook page.

BLE: Food Prep

It was a busy day, and I accomplished much in the food prep arena as planned. There are meatballs in the fridge (loaded with zucchini and onion) and eight 10oz serving dishes packed and ready to re-heat of a green chili corn dish I made in the instant pot. There are tubes of soyrizo and cans of beans to add as proteins, Neufchatel and Parmesan cheeses for fats, and a variety of veggies for salads. 

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  cheese, spinach and mushroom omelet, salsa & sour cream, apple
• d: chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing

The green chili corn dish turned out nicely, but I don't want to eat corn everyday. The dish is full of zucchini, onions, carrots, celery, tomatillos and of course green chilis, and I'm looking forward to having it with the soyrizo later this week.

It's nice to feel tired after being productive for a change. I haven't cooked this much in a day for longer than I can remember.  "Take what you want and pay for it; now in work, later in consequences."  So many little sayings, some day I will pull out my paper notebook and list them all out together.  In any case, I am hoping it's easier to stay Bright tonight knowing I put the work in today. Knowing I am not giving up. Knowing I am making a difference in not only my life but in those around me by modeling healthy change.

Look at me all proud of myself! Better shut that down quick so I don't fall!

Sweet dreams to me.

BLE: On track for a 2nd Bright Day

Feeling good this morning after a full 24 hours Bright. I am always amazed how quickly our bodies adapt to healthier choices - or rather - from the lack of bad choices. Breakfast felt light, and I wanted to have a little more, but a simple reminder that I have eaten exactly how much fuel my body needs takes away the urge to eat. Not the hunger, that I still feel, but that will be remedied with the cup of tea I have waiting for me in the kitchen.

Back later with my food commitment.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  lentils, cauliflower, parmesan,  peach
• d: chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing

I'm really loving my new salad dressing. Mixing vinegar with dijon mustard and shaking it up with nutritional yeast really makes my tablespoon of bleu cheese dressing go a long ways. Tomorrow will be the 3rd dinner salad in a row using that dressing, but keeping it simple with food  you love is just smart!

I do need to cook tomorrow. I'll stop at the store on the way home from dropping Cal off at school; we always need more apples and lettuce, and I want/need to make a batch of meatballs since I put that down for dinner.

I was hungry at lunch, and again after dinner. And I'm still feeling a little empty heading into bedtime! It makes me realize I was indeed eating more extra calories over the past few weeks since getting home from Hawaii than I even realized. Drinking a sleepy time tea, and heading to bed to finish up an audio book as soon as I'm done here is the plan. I can see that R is staying bright too, and even though we aren't saying so to each other, the support is awesome.

I go to bed tonight knowing/hoping that there will be a little less pain tomorrow in my hips and legs. Each bright day will take me closer to moving better, having more energy, and fitting into my clothes better. I can hardly wait, but I will, and be patient about it, because this can only be done one day at a time.

BLE: Day One - ad infinitum

I have a half an hour to kill before dinner. So silly. But that's where I am in my life, still trying to make a positive change in myself. My salad is made, weighed and ready to add  my dressing, just sitting in the fridge staying crisp until feeding time. I swear I feel like a bear,  walking the fence until  a gamekeeper brings in my dinner at the designated time. Heavy, ponderous steps, head swinging side to side, anxiety driving my steps. Ridiculous. But I am the one who brought me to this brink of crazy, and I am the only one who can tame the bear. Change or die, as they say.

It's another Day One. Part of me knows that getting up each morning and eating a bright breakfast is great; not giving up and starting each day with optimism is not a bad trait. But it is not one that has brought me success in achieving a right sized body. It's just a small part of the work it will take to move past this plateau I have been cruising about on for the last year or so.  As part of this work I am using my gratitude journal each morning, and committing my food each evening, taking my supplements and meds every single day and night, and making a point of stopping to breathe and be present at some point each day to ground myself.

So it feels like moving forward, my morning and evening habit stacks gaining in consistency, and I am once again spending more time on support than on farming. Yes, along with millions of others I am fighting addiction on many platforms. It is apparently in our nature to escape this new reality we find ourselves in. I like to imagine I would have flourished in days where it took so much physical effort to  just survive I would never have become addicted to anything, and I guess that is true of many others. Instead we find ourselves in a world of so much convenience there is too much time for those of us born without the gene to self-motivate.

Now that I have thrown a small pity part in the middle of a beautiful Autumn day I will retreat without shame - that never accomplishes anything - to my audio book and try to drag my lazy ass outside for a short walk before dinner.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  veggie soup, beans & cream cheese, apple
• d: chopped salad, garbanzo beans & pepitas, bleu cheese dressing

There are a week's worth of breakfast choices packaged up in the fridge, and my plans are for simple plant based lunches and dinners, soups and salads, for the next couple of days. Tuesday while Cal is at school I'll do some batch cooking; green chili stew and roasted veggies come to mind. Maybe some meatballs that are loaded with zucchini and onion.

I am armed with my Bright Line Eating plan, journals, and good intentions. I laugh now when I want to type that this time feels different, so I won't bother wasting time on that sentiment. Instead I am focused on just this moment, and not eating until 4. And after that I will focus on cleaning up my room (what, am I 12?) so it's an easy place to work and relax in the coming week. And then after that I will do whatever it takes to stay Bright all night long until breakfast at 8am tomorrow.

Then it will be Day Two. 'Time to Rock and Roll.'

Chaffles and Chaff

Here are the Spanish rice chaffles. How's that for a Bright orange breakfast!

I've been thinking about painting again, and using it to 'journal'. We'll see what the day brings.

Commit today's food because I just never got around to it last night

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, tangelo orange
•  l:  veggie soup, beans & cream cheese, apple
• d: chopped salad, cheese & pepitas, bleu cheese dressing

A hummingbird just flew past my window - slim pickings out there for the busy little bird this morning. Such a life, working so hard to just get enough calories to keep those wings fluttering.  I empathize, it's like my brain fluttering about searching for something to make sense of this world. Both endeavors seem pointless - and there is my depression rearing it's ugly head.

Another day one of BLE, another morning of not giving up. How many years can I keep this up? I am afraid for the rest of my life. Literally a double entendre.