BLE: To weigh or not to weigh, that is the question

 Today's Food:

(b)  potato, eggs over easy (no fruit, had a banana about 3am)

(l)  stewed meat, spinach & tomatoes, apple & red grapes

(d) Pozole (meat & hominy weighed out), cabbage, lettuce & radish salad with cilantro crema

Another Bright day. I haven't been tracking so I don't know how many it's been in a row. Only today counts, so that's okay. I thought of 'wants' on and off today. Wanting to be stronger while carrying in the bags of garden mix, wanting to be out of pain while cuddling with Cal, wanting to have overall strength and stamina because I couldn't finish the garden project we started.

It's like 50 First Dates, and everyday I need to convince myself all over again that I want to lose weight because what follows will be so awesome. Strength, endurance, mobility. I want these things. Of course the night time me wants other things more, food to be more precise, and that is the nightly battle. I know in my heart of hearts that if I can just get through a week or ten days of Bright nights that the intensity of these fights will lessen, and that I will have a chance of getting all of the things I want.

Unfortunately knowing and doing don't go hand in hand. Can you imagine the world if they did? The amazing things we could accomplish?

Tomorrow's Food:

(b)  oatmeal, peanut butter, blueberries

(l)  chopped salad, oil & vinegar dressing, banana

(d)  bean & veggie stoup

I am hoping to make soup tomorrow, there is a head of celery and lots of carrots to be used up, and a bag of spinach and white beans too. The plan is to make a thick veggie soup then weigh in the beans to be sure it's a Bright meal. Cal is doing so much better, and I am hoping he naps tomorrow, or at least is willing to play quietly for a bit so I can accomplish my food prep. These past couple of weeks I haven't been able to do my 'food factory' as much as I usually do, and I'm looking forward to having some meals packed up in advance. If I can't, well, it is what it is. I can throw together a Bright meal pretty quickly under most circumstances so I'm not really worried about it.

Tomorrow is March 1st, and the plan was to weigh myself, so I brought the scale in from the garage earlier. The batteries are shot, and I'm debating not weighing after all. The idea of knowing I didn't lose anything this month is hard to face. But what if I did? What if the small changes I have noticed do equate to a loss? How will it affect me? Will it motivate me to keep doing as well as I can? Will it let me know I can eat at night and still lose weight so don't worry about it? And will that prompt more night eating? And so the chatter goes, which is the best argument for NOT weighing tomorrow. If I never know, my brain can't play games. I would have to gauge  my weight solely on how my clothes fit, and how I feel and move, and maybe how much pain I am experiencing or lack thereof.

I am not sure I trust that, I am not sure my curiosity won't win out on the morrow. Because I have been trying, and would like to see a smaller number despite how I try to convince myself it's just not the thing to be concerned about. Maybe this once, and then the scale goes back in the garage for March, April and May. Maybe I could do that.

BLE: A good Day

Today's Food:

(b) ham on toast;  fresh pineapple, banana, red grapes

(l) pork & beans; zucchini, onions & green beans;  red grapes & blueberries

(d) cauliflower crust pizza w\ mushrooms & red onions

We brought in food from Blaze Pizza, and our cauliflower crust pizzas were good, and satisfying. Just what we wanted. Then I googled the ingredients, and of course rice flour was third on the list for the crust. Taking all the ingredients into consideration, flour was definitely lower than third on the list, but I was disappointed in the high fat content and we won't be indulging as regularly as we might have had we not looked. But once you know, you can't not know. R says we can do better at home, and I'm sure we will be doing some experimenting with cleaner ingredients.

Cal had a good day; no pain meds, two naps, acting normal thank heavens. His lips are still really chapped and he has complained a couple of times about pain. But very little food has passed his lips. We are optimistic that tomorrow will keep getting better and that he will start eating soon. Currently he is surviving on milk, chocolate milk, strawberry milk, chocolate cake, and chocolate chip cookies. Everyone's dream diet, no? No. Definitely a no.

This morning in my MMG we talked about how easy it is to forget that we 'want' to improve our lives, and fall into the trap of negative self talk that includes the words 'need' and 'have to' when it comes to following the plan. We don't have to do shit, that only triggers rebellion. But focusing on what we want, well, there lies the glory of positive affirmations. I want to move better, I want to wear cute jeans, I want to be able to keep up with the grandkids. I want to be healthy until I die. No one is making me do this, it is a choice I am making because I want to, because these are things I want for myself. Don't I?

So many years of feeling like a failure, and accepting that I don't deserve a better life, has done some damage to my own true self. Or rather, has covered up my authentic being. Because up until Joey's death I felt myself to be a good person; always playing the Pollyanna game, always being helpful, always the hard worker bee. I can see now that in some ways his death did break me, or rather, it broke off a part of me that would become a protector. A part that recognized my need to hide away, and cultivated an attitude of 'not caring' so I had an excuse to say no to life. It was an easy fix, to just say yes to food instead.

I've worked through so much this past year. Accepting that a big beautiful life doesn't mean having a spotlight trained on me, it just means being happy in the moment and saying yes to anything that sounds wonderful. I don't have to go out in the world and accomplish great things, I just need to accept the world as it is and embrace every golden moment that is offered up. Every ray of sunshine and every little kiss on the cheek, I treasure them all. And those moments are all as important as any grand gesture experience by another living their best life.

So many thousands of years of philosophers helping humans to just exist. It makes me wonder why it has to be so complicated, and why we aren't evolving organically into our best lives. Just ugly bags of walking water - yes a Star Trek reference- and so complicated we're still trying to figure out how to exist in harmony with our planet. I still think we will exterminate ourselves, and wish the next cycle of life better luck.

Well that was some rabbit hole I wandered into. Suffice it to say that I am ending my day optimistic, as I end most of them, and heading into my dark night focusing on what I want.  Focusing on what I will say to my rebel when she wants to get up for a snack pretending that she just doesn't care. I will tell her that I want to heal, I want to be pain free, I want to get up from my chair and just walk without waiting for my body to catch up.

These are simple things, but will change my life, and I want them. I do.

BLE: Another day

Dinner was delicious last night. Today for lunch I used the leftover tomato sauce to sauté a bag of baby spinach. Once wilted, I weighed out 6oz of veg, added in 4 oz of left over beef that had been cooked in the same sauce, and it was delicious. I have two more meals weighed and measured from the same leftovers, and it feels good to have something delicious to look forward to the next couple of days.

If my energy doesn't fail me, I'll make a chopped salad for dinner, other wise it will be leftover pork and beans. The day started with ham on toast, so the day is heavier on animal protein than i like, but at least no cheese for the 2nd day in a row.

I was not Bright last night, having a sweet and salty nut bar from the cupboard in the middle of the night after ignoring donuts, pancakes, and various other treats that are lying about. Speaking of which, I think the only food to pass Cal's lips today are chocolate milk made with Ovaltine, and chocolate chip cookies from McD's. Not that we haven't offered him every choice we can think of. Half way through making pancakes he changed his mind, after warming up mac n cheese he changed his mind, after making a plate of beautiful red grapes cut in half per his specifications he changed his mind.

At least we made it out into the sun for a minute while he was not yet tired and confused by the afternoon dose of Oxy. We played baseball, made beautiful music with the windchimes, did some rock hopping on the sandstone stepping stones, and finally ended with burying dinosaur bones in the sand box. This prompted a trip to the bath where bubbles were coloured by a new bath bomb that made rainbows in the bubbles - quite pretty - and he played until all digits were raisins. Now he has been lotioned like a baby dragon, and is cuddled up in my bed watching 'Alison in Wonderland' on Bubble Guppies. I pray he takes a nap, but don't really expect it will happen.

In the meantime he wants me here close by, so I am not picking up the living room, doing dishes, or prepping dinner. I am also not folding the laundry that's on the end of my bed, or straightening up the bathroom after leaving a bit of a mess.  TGIF! And that's all I can say about that.

I think we are working on the front of the house this weekend while the weather is supposed to be in the 60's. Something I have intended to do for years, but never quite get to; this will be my Birthday present! Which isn't until next week, but rain is forecast for next weekend so this works.

Last year I let A make pineapple upside down cake for my B-Day, but not this year. There are so many sweets in the house all the time that they don't need a reason for more. If I could have my way we would strip the house of anything with processed sugar. Maple Syrup and Honey are plenty of sweetness IMHO.  Oh well, some day, and then maybe I will be able to stay Bright. Wow, well it sounds like I am placing blame, but I am not. I know it's my hand that puts food in my mouth. but I also know from experience that if it's not in the house I can't eat it. 

Have I mentioned lately how bitter I am about being a food addict? I guess accepting that will have to be part of my recovery.

Okay, enough goofing off, I'd better get at least the laundry folded.

Tired and cooking

 I'm exhausted, as is probably everyone in the house. Cal is having a rough time of it, not napping during the day, and waking up in pain at night. When he isn't mad at me, he's cuddling close, and at just the right combos of meds he eats. Currently he is having a lie down on the couch, having just finished a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk, and content to be quiet watching Gabby's Doll House.

I am killing time, about ten minutes, while my onions, peppers, and sun ripened tomatoes finish sautéing on the stove. I've had meat braising in crushed tomatoes for hours, and it's finally tender and ready to add to the veggies once they are done. It will be all cooked veggies tonight, I have no energy left to build a salad, and I'm hoping that my dinner is as delicious as it smells.

I've had a couple of stretches of bright days, but last night a fig newton got the better of me. After saying no a dozen times at work and on the way home, I guess I was out of will power. And needed some comfort? Cal crying in pain is not conducive to meditating or doing parts work in the middle of the night. It is what it is, and I'm having an easily Bright day today. He's been to the Dr to be checked out, and R has a schedule of meds to follow. The Oxy does NOT make him sleep, just tired and cranky and confused Please lord let his mouth heal quickly (the source of his pain) and get back on track with treatment. 

I miss our walks together, and our conversations about spiders and rocks. 

I think dinner must be done, which is good because all of a sudden I am starving. My body really knows when it's been four hours, and is not shy about letting me know all about it.

BLE: Food and blathering away

Light chores, a little work, some rest and folding laundry while watching old movies (Bruce Almighty and Trading Places) and the day is gone. Oh, and just now watching Wanda Vision while snuggling with the little man. Just wish the episodes were longer. Another Bright day, and looking forward to another Bright night, and thought I would check in while enjoying my warm Tulsi night time tea.

Today's Food:

(b)  sprouted multi grain toast, sharp cheese, banana & green grapes

(l)  garbanzo beans smashed up with Mayo (including my daily extra fat), left over tri-tip finely diced and folded into the beans with diced up pepperoncini peppers plus salt and freshly ground pepper. Served on crisp romaine leaves it was so delicious. A nod to my favorite sandwich of left over tri-tip, marinated jalapeno slices with mayo on sourdough bread. Almost all of the flavour with none of the flour. Sliced carrots and cauliflower rounded out the veggies.

(d) pork & beans w\ zucchini veggie blend, left over gold potatoes and corn. All heated through with an ounce of cream cheese for my fat, and finally the apple I was too full to eat at lunch.

Tomorrow's Food: Well, I have to think about it for a moment.

(b) scrambled eggs on toast w\mustard, banana & green grapes

(l)  garbanzo beans, onions & celery, avocado, & carrot chips to scoop it all up, fruit salad (grapefruit, pears, green grapes, apple)

(d)  pork & beans w\ zucchini veggie blend, cooked carrots & broccolini, 

Depending on how tonight goes and how full I am at lunch tomorrow, the fruit may be eaten at dinner instead of lunch again.

I feel a little disconnected from not listening to any news all weekend, the first time in more months than I can remember.  I did check my weather app to see how friends in Texas are faring, but no CNN, no FOX, no googling. And of course typing that I have a small itch to go look. A very small itch, and one I think I can ignore until tomorrow.

I'm attempting to end the day with my brain on the right track; focusing on how intermittent fasting is healing, thinking about how I will feel about myself in the morning if I don't eat anything between now and 8am, and finally, trying to embrace the small grumbling that is going on in my belly as I prepare for bed. My warm delicious tea is keeping any distress at bay and soothing the little beastie that is trying to get my attention down there; I think I will be good.

Lastly I remind myself that it's okay to be exhausted, and just finen that I just want to go to bed when it's barely past 8pm. I'll finish my tea, probably watch another show (Resident Alien) and then listen to my book as I fall asleep.

Enough personal trivia for the day; sometimes this just seems ridiculous to be recording all of this nonsense, but rumour has it the writing helps, and it does feel good to get the words out even if it means just so much nothing.

BLE: Three things that matter

Venturing forth on a crisp but sunny day with the intention of bringing home tomato sprouts, I was disappointed to find that it was too early. Apparently the seedlings are still being grown in cozy green houses, and not yet ready for purchase and planting. Noticing that the Walmart parking lot was sparsely filled, I popped in for a pair of pants for myself and pepperoni for Cal. 

Arriving home, and putting away my goods, I was dismayed to realize that there was a part of me that was very angry that I hadn't taken the opportunity to grab a treat. I had glimpsed myself in a mirror while choosing some jeggings, and was a little shocked and disappointed. Who was this old, frumpy, overweight woman staring back at me? This is not the first time this has happened, and I suspect it won't be the last, but there was no way I was going to buy anything to break my Bright Lines this day. At the time it was just a feeling of ... well, what I had to do. If that image was going to change, then i needed to stay Bright. But now, at home and a little hungry, a part of me is actually mad that I hadn't eaten anything. Hadn't indulged in a treat either from the store or driving through somewhere. Why so much anger?

So another part to explore, probably a rebel who is not interested in how I want to feel in my body, but instead wanting me to indulge to satisfy their agenda. This whole wanting one thing and feeling another is probably going to make me crazy for awhile until I am Bright again for another string of days. It's the whole split brain\ IFS\how can you want two opposing things at the same time question that keeps cropping up in my life.

Today I won a battle I didn't realize I was fighting, and if not for that  mirror I might have lost, because really, what would one more day of not being Bright matter in the scheme of things. But it does matter, because it's not just today, it's now. And there is only now. Now is how we live our lives, and what we do every day matters because for that moment, it's the only now there is. And the only thing that matters.

Really learning what one day at a time means, and really believing it, will hopefully make a difference in my life. In the meantime I am hungry, and need to go prep for dinner so that when meal time arrives it is ready for me. I have a feeling the next few days might be a struggle, so thank heavens I only have to get through them one at a time.

https://brightlineeating.com/2019/10/one-day-at-a-time/

But speaking of that, I do want to write down so I remember something G shared in group this morning. Our body really takes notice around day three that something is up; we're detoxing and not getting quite enough calories, and a little rebellion takes place. This is when the urge to eat more than we need can be strong. Then again around day ten the same thing happens and all of a sudden we're in survival mode. The idea is that if I am aware that there may be a couple of hard days coming up, maybe I will be able to get through them. It felt good to have seven Bright Days and Nights under my belt, and I want to feel that again and then I want to feel what may be beyond that. I want to know how I will feel at ten days, and 30, and yes, even at 100 days.

So while it feels like day one all over again, that's okay. Each time I am here I know more, understand more and become more willing to continue. So it's all good, and I want to remind myself what success looks like, and take stock of where I am.

Words of Wisdom from Susan P Thompson on how to be successful on BLE.

1. Identity; deep change comes from being a different kind of person, and doing different things.

    This is slowly happening, and more and more I see myself as someone who doesn't eat S&F.

2. Commitment to an effective process (BLE); be someone who just follows the effin plan.

    This still needs to happen, there is an ongoing battle with my Rebel to really commit.

3. Showing up real; don't hide from 'messy' lessons that show up allowing huge shifts to happen.

    This is happening more and more every day as I work with my parts and learn from my MMG.

"In Bright Line Eating we are not called to be perfect, we are called to be unstoppable."

Thank heavens for the support I've found, and the weekly vlogs from Susan.

I can do this, just for today.

Broken lines, Cooking, and a small rant

Seven Bright nights in a row before I broke a line. It started yesterday with a hot-flash, followed by what felt like a  sugar crash all mixed up with an anxiety attack. It was just before lunch and so I made my meal, gobbled it down like the crazy person I felt to be, thinking all the while that this wasn't going to do it. A hand full of yogurt covered raisins rescued from their neglect in a snack cup on the dining room table were next to go in my mouth, and then it was pepperoni slices, string cheese, and finally triscuits with butter on them. This desperate consumption of anything I could easily get my hands on is not unfamiliar to me, it just hasn't happened in a long while and caught me by surprise.

I didn't pause to think, "I'm not going to die, this feeling will pass!" Instead I let panic take me down the rabbit hole, not breaking, but bursting through my bright line fir quantities. But then the feeling began to pass. That sounds rather mild, instead it was more like the tsunami of nerves that had been flooding me with the desperate need to inhale calories began to quiet and I was able to take a breath and sit down. It wasn't quite over, and jumping  up I aimed for the kitchen and did have a few bites of cake, breaking the next two lines for sugar & flour. Finally the need was satiated and I began to feel 'normal'.

What a disaster it was, any semblance of thought or self control totally obliterated by the monster that held me in it's grip. By five it was time to go to work and I felt fully recovered. I made a hot cuppa tea, and spent the next few hours crunching numbers. Not really crunching, because I am doing financial reviews for year end reports, so more like slogging through a tedious task that leaves you exhausted. Sort of like riding shot gun on a long road trip with nothing but wasted fields for a view.

Today is good so far, and I am hoping it is the first Bright day and night in another string of seven. That would make me happy, but at the same time I am left wondering what the fuck happened yesterday. My food has been so good all week, and so I am left to look at other factors. Maybe a change in my thyroid medicine. Maybe the hemp oil I have been taking in my tea at night, or....the newest change, using a CBD cream on my hip and shoulder to see if it will help the inflammation that I suspect is the root cause of the pain in those joints. I am not going to change anything right now, but if I have another 'episode' then I will eliminate either the oil or cream and go from there.

I wish the medical community would get with the program and figure the whole CBD thing out so we aren't left having to rely so much on trial and error. Guinea pigs are wonderful to look at, but to be one? Not so much.

Today I am cooking. I did the first quick cook on a batch of black-eyed peas, and braised some pork steaks. Once the broth from the pork cools a bit, I'll use it to cover the beans so they can soak overnight. Tomorrow I'll finish cooking both along with a batch of veggies that includes lots of spinach and zucchini, then weigh out meals, splitting the protein between the pork and beans and adding in the veggies; it always feels good to have pre-weighed meals in the fridge.

Then for dinner, I'm cooking a pot roast with lots of brussels sprouts and carrots so there are left overs. While the goal is to move away from eating animal protein, there is nothing like vegetables that have been roasted with some meat. My Bad.

I am thankful today for our warmth, light, and water, and hoping the powers that be can correct the devastation that so many are suffering through in Texas and other places around the world. So many smart people, such a huge labour force, and we can't even get the infrastructure right. Why on earth at this point in our evolution are there still so many without their basic needs being met. As a species, we are not getting very good grades if  anyone is paying attention.

Enough cynicism, time to go prep for dinner and let Cal get some rest from my typing.

BLE: 'Mac' and Cheese for lunch

I need to write this down, because R will post on her Instagram and someone will ask for the recipe.

For this to be BLE compliant, reduce the fat of another meal that day by 1/3 or skip the bacon fat.

• 2 strips bacon
• 1/2 Orange Bell Pepper
• 1/2 Yellow Onion
• 30oz can of While Hominy
• 3T ground flaxmeal
• 3T water
• 3/4C milk
• 1.75oz jack and\or cheddar
• 1.75oz topping cheese (blend of parmesan, romano, and asagio from TJ's)

Season to taste as you go, I forgot and had to add salt & pepper to finish.

Cook bacon, reserving 1T of fat. (one of the kids will gobble this up)

Dice and sauté in the bacon fat half the pepper and onion until onion is translucent. 

While that's cooking, open, rinse, and drain one 30oz can of white hominy. Add to onion mixture and continue sautéing until hominy is heated through and some is turning golden. 

In the meantime, in three baking dishes (we used ceramic bowls) combine in each 1/4C milk, 1T water, and 1T ground flax meal. Whisk together each bowl until combined, then weigh in an ounce of shredded cheese, stir and let sit. This is your fat and 3/4 protein.

Once veggies are ready, weigh 6oz into each bowl and stir to thoroughly combine. I ended up with 6.2 veg in the third bowl. Top each bowl with the remaining half ounce of cheese, tap a sprinkle of ground red chili on top, and bake in a 350 degree oven for 25 minutes.

Creamy and very filling; I'll make this again. I used bacon fat because that is how we use to make hominy for breakfast; frying it in the left over bacon fat. But I don't think it was necessary and will omit it next time.

And I need to double check the cheese, I think I have the weights wrong? Each bowl should end up with 1/4 protein from milk and 1 3/4 protein from cheese.

Reflections on a day without Joey

Today is fifteen years since my son passed, and while of course  mostly I was sad, it was not shadowed with severe guilt and blame as it has been in past years. Instead my grief is accompanied by just a little regret; that I hadn't noticed sooner and helped him more as a small child; that I hadn't paid closer attention as he entered school; and that I was at a place in my own life where I was unable to help him despite how I tried. Because I do need to acknowledge that I did try, in many ways and many times, to reach out and help. With school, with addiction, with home.

So I sat in the back yard feeling lucky that I had another little boy to help raise, Cal there at my side digging away in his sand box on an unseasonably sunny day. I relaxed into the warmth of the sun, and enjoyed the breeze that was not too chilly. I listened for birds, and spoke to Joey about how much he would love seeing his niece and nephew growing strong in the same house he was raised. Wondering how they would interact, wondering if he would even be around to notice.

As my thoughts turned morose I quietly moved them aside and went back to enjoying the sun and the sound of Cal burying his fingers in sand to miraculously find them again a moment later. For those moments I was content. He went for treatment this morning and it was good to see him playing quietly. We had attempted to go for a walk, but we barely made it around the corner before we had to turn back, his hand on his belly and his head down. So we dug in the front yard a bit looking for treasure, did some laps in a scooter up and down the driveway, then made out way to the back yard for rock hopping, throwing balls around, and finally settling in; me in my chair to rest and him standing at the sand box next to me while we spoke of dinosaurs, birds, and squirrels. It was perfect.

Now it's time to go to 'work', and I will be glad of the distraction. There have been very few tears today, as I try to focus on the positive, and be grateful for having Joey as long as I did. I am also grateful for the sounds from the kitchen as R makes dinner for her family. These past fifteen years would have been impossible without her.

Sending love out into the cosmos, for all those we love and miss.

BLF: Bright Line Eating mini-review

I would love to comment on the weather, but knowing I have friends in the South who are 'freezing their assess off' I have no room to do so. Instead I will note that I am grateful for warm clothes, a cozy home, and hot food. We are blessed.

Another Bright night behind me, and as it is bedtime I will note that I expect to have another one in front of me.  This is the first time since I began using my 100 day charts back on May 6th 2020 that I have had six Bright nights in a row. A fairly dismal statistic. But then I really took stock of my Bright Line Eating journey using milestones, and looking from this perspective it's not as crazy as it sounds.

10/6/19: Initial weigh-in when I began BLE

1/4/20: Down 15 lbs; I was losing barely over one pound per week

2/22/20: Down 20 lbs; drove South to visit my Mother & began snacking in the middle of the night. I learned later this was a triggering event. But it led me to seek out the Freedom course, so it's all good. A part of the food journey that has brought me to this point.

7/24/20: Down 26 lbs; Bright Line Freedom; started parts work

12/5/20: Down 30 lbs; IFS session on night eating, identified rebel part

1/23/21: No change; identified tough chick part and the next day began intermittent fasting

2/15/21: No Idea; scale in garage since 2/1/21

I'm grateful to have maintained the 30 lbs loss, and grateful for the parts work that is letting me integrate the pieces of myself that needed to heal. At least a couple of them. And while there is still a part of me that rebels against the inner work I am doing with my master mind group from Bright Line Freedom, there is no denying that it is helping. That I am healing.

What other blessings have come from my MMG? I no longer beat myself up if I make a mistake, I treat myself with the kindness and patience I used to reserve for others, and every day I cherish the moments that I can be still, and present, and grateful. I have learned that living One Day at a Time is not just a trick to stay Bright, but a new way to experience what a day actually is. As in it's everything, so just be here.

At the moment I am enjoying that I am back on track with my BLE program, and that as I continue to focus on my Bright Lines I will get back to losing the weight. The parts work of the past months have been worth it if that happens, as I suspect it will. So while I head to bed with cold feet,  my heart is warm and full of hope.

Please let this last. Please let this be true.

BLE: Valentines Day

Having Bright nights makes my Bright days so much more meaningful. When my nights aren't Bright, during the day I know I am just treading water, and that being Bright is at most balancing out a dark night; that I will at least maintain my weight loss. Which is all fine and dandy sometimes. like when I am doing parts work and making progress with my mental health. But today I feel so light and clean and hopeful, having five Bright days and nights reminds me that I can do this, that my Bright days can mean progress, and it's a good feeling.

R made a beautiful Valentines breakfast for the family ( I'll have to come back later to post a picture); she prepared breakfast sausage and fruit for us,  and added sweet treats for the rest of the family. Fresh flowers from Trader Joes rounded out the table and it was all a lovely feast for eyes and mouths. I had buttered toast to go with my sausage - probably my favorite breakfast ever - and the fruit was delicious, especially the pineapple, and we both weighed out our food as usual.

Lunch will be Pozole, brought in from a local restaurant. It's easy to break down the components to weigh out a Bright lunch, so delicious and decadent in the mouth, and best of all no prep! After that I will have to poke around in the fridge, clean up a bit, and do some meal planning. I have a bean soup left over for dinner, but nothing for the coming week yet for dinners. There is produce for salads at lunch, and oatmeal for breakfast, and lentils to cook up so really it's just the veggies I need to think about. And we have lots in the freezer to use up, so no grocery trip this weekend! Yay!

I will probably have to go early Tuesday morning for fruit and veg, milk for the kids, and the odds and ends that are on the grocery list, but It's nice to feel like this is a day off. Especially after a rough night, Cal being up sick twice and everyone awake when we should have been sleeping. Anyone with a small child knows the challenges of not really knowing how they are feeling, and to just show up and be there for them when things fall apart. Hugs and cuddles are the magic of their world, and ours if we take the time to slow down and appreciate those small but ever so significant gestures.

It's grey and cloudy out, but still I hear birds chirping, and I know I need to get out for some fresh air. I think I'll wait until Cal is up from his nap, so I have company. He is quite the little chatter box and I do love our walks.

In the meantime, I think some curling up on the couch is in order. Oh, and delivering the doggie treats that A and I baked off this morning. We have dogs on either side of us, and she wanted to make treats for the new puppy next door, so both will get a valentines gift today. It's nice I can appreciate the smell of what are essentially peanut butter cookies baking in the house, without feeling anything about it other than hoping the dogs will be pleased. Of course, knowing M is bringing lunch that I am looking forward to does help.

My love is going out to the universe today, through the living energy that connects us all.

BLE: Bright Nights, Joey, and Cal

And then there were five. Or, at least there will be once I stay Bright tonight. And I can feel it coming. Even with chocolate cake sitting on the kitchen counter, I know it's not for me, and that I will have another Bright night. There is a quote shared on my bootcamp Facebook page today, that is apropos to how I am feeling just now. " I am learning to love the sound of  my feet walking away from things not meant for me." I made a weak attempt to find the origins of this, but was overwhelmed by the images - this is obviously popular and I am not alone in having it ring truth to power. Funny that it took so long to make it's way into my arena of influence.

Our master mind group this morning was...wonderful? Enlightening? It's such an incredible experience to learn that we share so much in common, coming from such diverse back grounds to arrive here on similar paths. Of course, food is our path apparently, to do the work towards enlightenment. Or some such. And it's our struggles with eating that have brought us to this inner-work, and so a shout out to Bright Line Freedom and Susan B Thompson for throwing out the signposts to get us to the point.

This morning I spoke a bit to the group, just a little, about how this coming week will mark another anniversary since Joey passed. Passed on, passed through ... just gone from his human experience, and from our lives. And finally I am able to say truthfully that I will not let losing him mean that I will lose myself too. I'm sure I'm misquoting someone horribly, but you get the gist. I can no longer hide under the guilt, I can no longer use it as shield between myself and living a worthwhile life. Maybe it's the sugar/flour brain cloud lifting that is helping me to see more clearly, and letting me release the idea that I was somehow responsible for his death so early in his life. Early on I would try to comfort myself by telling the story that this was just his path, that he had learned what he came here to experience and was moving on. But I was never able to let go of the feeling that I had played a part; that I had failed as his mother. I should have been more aware, and done more to protect him. 

And while I still feel that is true, I also know I did the best I could, loved him the best I knew how, and tried to be there for him as he struggled on his way.  But for years I had a story rattling around in my head, that I was unworthy of anything, and didn't care about anything. And now I know that this story was just that, a story. Something I told myself to justify my distance from the world. The big excuse for always saying no to invitations, my get out of jail free card for social commitments and participating. It's time to let the story go.

What I said this morning, is that through our parts work, I have learned that crying is a natural way to release emotions, and that this year my tears are for releasing grief, not for feeling sorry for everything. And I will let them come as they will, and be filled with love instead of anguish as I do my grieving. How I wish I could see him, hug him, and hear his voice. But I am so grateful that I can still feel his arm around my neck, holding on tight as a toddler as we made our way through the day. That I can see him frying tacos in the kitchen and setting off the fire alarm every single time.  That our memories bring his energy alive, and for just that moment he is with us again.

I will always hold dear to my heart the memory of his parting message to me as I drove to Oakland, where unbeknownst to me he already lay lifeless; the window he opened from the other side to let me know he was okay. It's the lifeline I have held on to for the last fifteen years, and will continue to hold on to for the rest of my life. Knowing he was somewhere, that his spirit had survived and was moving on. I pray to something better, something fun and beautiful and worthy.

But that anniversary is three days away. Tonight is another anniversary altogether, and I would be remiss not to mention it. Two years ago R called us together in this very room to say the Dr's had diagnosed Cal with leukemia. "Scariest family meeting ever", I told R earlier this evening as we reminisced. It has changed us all I think, but there being no control group I couldn't tell you how. He is two years into treatment, with hopefully just another six months or so to go. They have been through so much with him; hospital stays, IV's, daily meds, a port in his chest for easy access for chemo treatments, and the scariest for me, the lumbar punctures. It's all such a part of our everyday lives, it's hard to imagine going 'back to normal'. Of course, there is still the pandemic, so things won't change drastically right away, but our lives will be different again.

There is a lot of love in this house, and I am grateful everyday for that. And I know that no matter what life brings, we will carry on. And for me, right now, that means one more Bright night. One night closer to me being a better person so I can show up, instead of just hanging out in the shadows of my own life.

BLE: Enough

Heading into my fourth Bright night, I remain calm and positive.  There is no anticipation of what this could mean, no big plans, no looking ahead. Just looking at right now, and this one night, is enough. I don't need to know how many nights are left in this current chunk of 100 days, I don't need to calculate how much weight I might lose in the month of February, and I certainly don't need to think about the size of my jeans next Christmas.

Sure, those are the things that popped into my brain as soon as I said I wasn't going to think about them, but I am not actively engaged. I am not going down those rabbit holes.

Instead I am going to have one more Bright night. And in this moment it is enough, and I am grateful.

BLE: Small Victories

 Driving into the office tonight I was enjoying the quiet and ready for a productive evening at work.  On the way to  my desk I passed the set of lateral filing cabinets that serve as a central work space for our printer and supplies. And coffee cake. WHAT?  I was irritated but not tempted, and immediately moved the tray to an empty cubicle where I wouldn't have to think about it again. And I didn't until now, safe at home and miles away from the sugary, floury, treat. I love that my brain is in a place that it is not tempted, and automatically says no to any rising thoughts of insurrection (omg, I am watching too much CNN.)

I have two Bright nights under my belt, so to say since I can't remember the last time I actually wore a belt, and looking forward to another. Last night could have been challenging as I was in charge of Cal; guiding him to the bathroom, feeding him a snack at about 1am, and cuddling with him until after 3 before tucking him back into his own wee bed. The parents just needed to sleep, and I had volunteered for night duty. As I will again tonight. That little boy needs to be in his own bed, but he longs for comfort in the middle of the night, and not knowing exactly how he is feeling we can't turn him away. I am hoping that without access to 'the big bed' in his parents room he will soon stop waking up so much,  but it's a small hope . Anyway, I was never tempted. My rebel never showed up. 

As I have done the past two days, I added an extra fat (avocado) to my dinner, and I will add hemp oil to my night time tea. I think my hands were less swollen this morning, but who knows why. That's the problem of feeling motivated and piling on a few ideas that you think might help; you don't really know what, if anything, is making a difference.

There are fig bars and chocolate covered banana chips in the pantry tonight (they are to tempt Cal) and I pray they don't call me. While I feel good now, who knows what part might show up in the middle of the night to run rampant over this calm cool collected version of myself.

I will meditate once in bed, just to nourish my will power in case I have need of it in the wee hours, and write in my gratitude journal for the same reason. And I'm here journaling, making up the final part of my trifecta of planning ahead so I am prepared for battle. Just in case. Maybe this is my new night time habit stack? We'll see.

Not having had a single bite of anything at work when I was alone and it would have been so easy, feels like success, and it's a good way to feel heading into the night, celebrating a small victory.  I can hear a small voice in my head, 'you've got this', and I am actually smiling as I sign off.

BLF: getting ready for bed

I am not sure where to start, or how much of this I have written about before, but I am annoyed and need to sort my thoughts out. I am wondering why I can't enjoy a little success without then turning around and sabotaging myself. Yesterday was Bright, as was last night. Not a bite out of place. Today too was easy to navigate and no lines broken. Why can't I just enjoy this without worrying about tonight?

Not really actively worrying, but I am aware that for each success I rebound at some point whether it's a day or a week later. I know, one day at a time, and for me also one night at a time. I don't want to borrow trouble, but it would be ever so nice to have a whole week of Bright nights in a row. Maybe that would be enough to keep me going for a month, and then a year, and then I could finally get to the freedom part of the program. Really have some semblance of normalcy.

I've been avoiding meat, adding nuts to my dinner, and hemp oil to my night time tea for the past few days. I'm hoping it's making a difference, but it's probably too soon to expect noticeable results. I know once I can eliminate cheese that will make a difference, and I am planning on not replenishing my supply of gorgonzola once it's gone. I do so love me some cheese and pecans, but I know it's part of my ongoing inflammation problem. Challenge. Whatever. 

So I am here to purge negative thoughts, and try to head to bed with a positive attitude.  If my rebel shows up later tonight, I will chat her up. I will not let myself turn left coming out of the bathroom, instead I will go straight back to my warm and cozy bed.  If I can't sleep I will practice slow and mindful breathing, or listen to my book. 

I am focused on fasting to heal. I am shutting down the temptation to look to the future for goals - I have an immediate goal that is more important than anything coming down the tube. Tonight, tonight is the most important thing I can focus on because it will lead to another night, and another. 

I am looking at the sticky on my desk that says, "Remember that the daytime Vail DOES CARE."  Because I do, this part of me that I like to think is my own true self does care. Saying that, I can hear the whisper that echoes deep inside of me that wants to say, "yea, but really you don't", and I know that is not the best of me. That thought is no longer welcome here. 

I am better than that.

An Obligation

When I started writing here again, it was with the purpose of being accountable to my Bright Line Eating program, as well as to document what would hopefully be my last attempt at weight loss. And while it has been mostly that, I am finding lately that what is happening is that I feel obligated to sit down and write something each day whether I want to or not. And writing for me generally doesn't work that way.

I want to write when I feel like it. Like right now all of a sudden, because I looked out my window and noticed that the light has turned soft, the clouds a gentle mauve mixed with grey and some streaks of rose. Not a breath of wind, and the far away chirping of small birds that I suspect is coming from the Eucalyptus tree out front. A moment of beauty that brings me to stillness, and wonder, and hope.

Anyway, after much thought I am thinking that I won't be so strident about daily journaling. That instead I will save it for when I do parts work and need to journal to figure something out, or have the urge to share a recipe, an insight,  or just a beautiful moment. It feels like to right thing to do.

Luckily, I can change my mind at any time, and I am truly grateful that I have the choice. It's sad that in this day and age not everyone has the luxury to write when and what they want.

I am hoping for many things to write about, because my hands do love to dance over the keyboard.

Superbowl Nachos

The day went as planned, beginning with a trip to the store for a few items, and ending with the Bucs "running away with the game: as aptly pronounced by M. Our dinner was yummy, each of us making Nachos to our own liking. R used some of the leftover pinto beans I made last week to make refried beans, and she also cooked up a batch of seasoned meat and a corn\green chili\zucchini dish. While she weighed her plate to Bright Line Specs, I weighed mine to what I wanted. They both looked great, and we each loved what we made. Mine was admittedly a little high on fat as I opted for avocado, sour cream, cheese and olives, while low on veggies. but I forgot my fruit at lunch so that's a little compensation. And while she stuck with an ounce of corn chips I opted for a 2nd ounce, turning my dinner into a maintenance meal I guess. But I did weigh my portions, had the right amount of protein, and there was no going crazy. Oh, and we did both skip our grain at breakfast in order to have the corn chips at lunch.

So what exactly was on my plate? 6oz homemade refried beans, 2oz fresh salsa, 2T sour cream that was also cut with salsa, 2oz avocado, 1/2oz black olives, 1oz fresh diced tomatoes, all scooped up with 2oz of corn chips. The chips and salsa made the dish, they were from a local restaurant and so flavourful and satisfying. 

I'm looking forward to Bright Lines tomorrow, and enjoying the left overs incorporated into meals. I think there may be some nachos going on for breakfast here tomorrow, but I love beans for breakfast so there's really nothing new there except having corn chips instead of rice. Not exactly on plan, but Bright in my mind and that's what counts - there are no BLE police! 

I did make veggie stoup today too, so hose are ready to go for meals this week. There are beans and black bean burgers for my protein, and I have lentils to cook. And a bag of white beans to cook too, but I do want to get ham hocks before I cook those - nothing like bean and bacon soup on a cold day. There are lots of greens in the fridge, and I plan to prep a tub of cruciferous veggies tomorrow so it's easy to throw salads together for lunches and\or dinners. I also have a bottle of salad dressing ready, an old favorite - a Good Seasons zesty Italian package with the oil and water portions exchanged. Not the cleanest choice, but it gives good coverage, and it's easy to stay within the allotted fat portion using it. And it goes well with gorgonzola cheese, which I have been using as part of my protein on my salads lately.

My goal next week is to remain calm, remain in the present as much as possible, and just get through one day at a time eating well and being kind to myself. It's a simple plan, and one I should be able to follow. I'll still be putting in a few extra accounting hours, but will try to limit it to one a day so I have some time to myself while C naps - assuming he naps.

I hear adventure music in the living room, and I must go investigate. And make tea.

Meandering thoughts

I'm still trying to help the team catch up on year end processing at my desk job, and the last two days have flown by as I try to log in time every chance I get. I love my team, and I do this for them, not for the boss man. But I am tired, and taking the evening off I think. I need to get in the kitchen as soon as R is finished up making their dinner, and and see if we need anything for the game tomorrow. We are going to skip our grain at breakfast so we can make nachos for lunch, M having picked up chips and salsa from a local restaurant for the occasion.  I can see the chopped tomatoes and olives and salsa over melted cheese and golden chips in my mind and I want them. Luckily I am full from dinner and willing to wait until tomorrow. And yes, technically corn chips are not on the BLE program, but they are not made with flour or sugar, and we are eating them as part of a meal, not snacking on them. Everything is being carefully thought out, and will be weighed. It's all good.

I think I have calmed down from being overwhelmed by all of the 'self care' that is erupting in my life. I just need to pick a few important items and concentrate on them until they are habits, then add a couple more. Keeping my bright lines and doing a morning meditation seem to be filtering to the top of what I actually want to do. I just can't feel like I have to do anything, it has to be something I want, it's all in the perspective.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm feeling a little guilty about the Queen Anne chocolate covered cherries I sent my Mother. She received them today and is enjoying them immensely - maybe a little too much, hence the guilt. Oh well. It's hard not being able to jump in the car to go see her, and I know she loves the chocolates, so it is what it is.

I'm trying not to think about it too much. Her birthday is the 12th, Valentines Day the 14th, and then Joey's Death Day the 16th.  I always let it slip by with barely a mention out in the real world, just trying to keep my shit together, and I know there is lots there that I need to address.  But somehow I keep pushing it aside, to my detriment I am sure, because it is so hard to face. The guilt, the loss, the questions. I have tools now, and know that eventually I will address these issues, it just doesn't need to be this month. Maybe next Summer, when there is a little distance from the actual anniversary, and there is the warmth of the sun to help soothe my soul.

What I need to think about is breakfast tomorrow, and what we will have without the grain component. Maybe just keep it simple and make a pan of scrambled eggs for the family to share. Lunch of course is nachos, then dinner...well, I just don't know yet. Maybe a rich vegetable lentil stoup, that way I can use up any dated veggies from the fridge. It's become a source of accomplishment to get through the week without throwing away food.

And here I am again with nothing to say, a tired back, and a longing to lie down. And it's not even 7pm on a Saturday night. I would say I am showing my age, but I've been this way since my forties. Who knows what's really going on inside. One of my dreams. like most people probably, is for there to be a way station between death and the next adventure, where we get to look back and see....everything. Why we had certain challenges, what was really going on in our bodies, if we came away with the lessons we should have. That dream.

Perhaps a cup of tea will help my miasma.

BLE: breakfast foods

Another challenging day, but aren't they all. No sugar and no flour last night, but not Bright. 2oz of cheese at bedtime broke the snacking line. I try to take comfort that I didn't eat in the middle of the night, but I also wonder at why the snack. Maybe I'm just not use to that temptation and wasn't prepared to do battle at ten as I might have been at three?

This isn't even worth writing about, and I am tired.

Tomorrow's Food:

b) Yam pudding (I'll cook the yams tonight and bake the pudding in the am)

l)  chopped salad w\ egg & cheese, apple

d)  pork & beans, roasted veggies

I'm thinking of putting together my own little cookbook of favorites so they are at hand.

Favorite Breakfasts

• Cheese on Triscuits, banana
• Breakfast sausage on toast, grapes 
• Cheese on toast, hard boiled egg, fruit
• Oatmeal w\berries, Peanut Butter, seeds & nuts
• Scrambled eggs w\mustard on toast, fruit
• Eggs over easy on toast, fruit
• Yam Pudding, pumpkin
• Ham & Brie on toast, grapes
• Rice & Beans w\ cheese & salsa, fruit
• Rice & egg baked w\ cheese & green chilies

 Note: toast = sprouted whole grain (no flour) bread from Trader Joe's

Really there is only one recipe, unless you count if I made the refried beans, so not a great idea after all. And I'm drawing a blank trying to think about lunch and dinner. Obviously my heart lies with breakfast. I'll have to finish up this thought another time, I'm way tired. 

 

BLE: Chipotle delivery

I had an early start this morning, signing on to work, then taking C up to get his labwork done to make sure the adjusted Chemo is doing it's job. It is. He has been exceptionally emotional this week, and his numbers reflect why, but he's a trooper and bounces back quickly after his mini melt downs. 

In between those two tasks I ate breakfast and watched the memorial service at the Capital - so terribly sad, and too close to Joey's death day for me to be watching. I hope the GOP remembers this during the impeachment trial.

Lunch was good today. R ordered me a Vegan Lifestyle bowl from Chipotle with added guacamole, and if only for the fact that I didn't have to prepare it or do any dishes afterwards, I am calling it good. I will say I am not a fan of the Sofritas, and next time will stick to just beans for my protein, or maybe do a custom bowl and split the protein between beans and cheese.

I weighed the bowl before and after (full and empty) and the weight of the food eaten was 16.1oz. Gauging the ingredients with my eyes, I determined that this was broken out very closely to a Bright Line meal.

 I counted this as 4oz protein,  1 serving of fat, and 12 oz veggies. Keeping in mind we can sub in veggies for fruit, this works to split the 12oz as 6oz each. I do miss my apple for lunch when I make substitutions like this; the crunch, the sweetness, the chewing. But it's all good, and I learned a little about what to order next time. It's good to know they have the lifestyle selections, making it easier to order along healthier (IMHO) guidelines. While I love cheese and sour cream in a burrito bowl, they are not the best choices right now (or ever really). Maybe later on maintenance I will splurge a little.

There is no rest for the wicked today, and I am forcing myself to sign back on for more accounting work while C is down for his nap.  Wait, it's Wednesday, I must go see the vlog from Susan first - then to work.

A little attitude, some beans, and work

Yesterday was a little overwhelming after all. After the assessment and insights of the morning, I had a blood sugar drop, the first in a long time, and it coincided with the realization that even though it may now have a positive slant instead of being disparaging, it is still more time and energy than I want to be spending on myself. The food, the habits, the self care ---- arghhhhh. Will it never end???  Rebellion almost set in, and I was in a funk most of the day. It was better after I finished my fruit salad at lunch, and better again after C and I took our walk. But still, I was left feeling annoyed; it should not be so hard just to live a life. Really. It shouldn't. I mean, who leaves themselves notes? But at bedtime I found a note to myself, "Remember that the Daytime Vail DOES CARE." And yes, there were capital letters on the sticky.  But I had a Bright night, and slept a little better than usual, so I forgive myself the theatrics.

I made pinto beans yesterday, seasoned with Bay, sun dried tomatoes, and lots of dried herbs from the cupboard. After a quick cook the day before, then soaking overnight, it only took another three hours on the stove until the beans were perfectly cooked. And I am happy with the result. With the flavour, the tenderness of the beans, and the post  meal lack of gas.  It was all good.  This afternoon I'll roast up some butternut squash, carrots, grape tomatoes, and onions seasoned with Cumin to serve with them and pack up some more meals.

Breakfast was an old favorite this morning; scrambled eggs on toast with mustard. YUM. I am really enjoying the sprouted whole grain bread from Trader Joes, it toasts up so flavourful and satisfying that I will not be buying Ezekiel bread again.  I am contemplating having a new Sofritas lifestyle bowl from Chipotle for dinner, with avocado for my fat. R says the new Cilantro lime cauliflower rice is delicious and I'm excited to try it. Well, as excited as I get anymore about food. Maybe glad would be a better word. Yes, glad.

While I am tempted to blather on about my daily routine, instead I will put my big girl panties on (figuratively speaking) and do some accounting work while C sleeps.

My daily gratitude always includes having a job. I must remember that.

Habit Stacks

When I first began this blog, and wrote, "who is trying to make peace with her world, her body and her health", I thought these were three separate things. And of course the more I know the more I realized that is all just one thing, and that they are all interconnected, or entangled as I now like to think of it. Without feeling connected to the world around me, I can't heal, and without healing, my body is out of whack. The connection begins with Inner Work, which I am doing through Bright Line Freedom, the help of my master mind group, and digging into the vast stores of data that is available through the world wide web.

All a little bit overwhelming until I take a breath and think about the tools. The nightly checklist of self care items that are slowly building the small daily habits that will help me with...everything. Now I finally begin to understand the value of habit stacks, and what a habit actually is and how important to my overall goals.  And while it's still exhausting to think about it all, I can at least see a path forward that is a little more orderly and realistic. As we are taught in Bright Line Eating, we need a morning routine and an evening routine.

Of course I was above all that, and not willing to heed the message or do the work entailed to bring these directives to fruition. Or in other words, not surrendering to the plan. Not willing to put in the work to get what I want. So here we are back to square one, I am, after all, pretty lazy. But it has become obvious that just keeping to the Bright Lines is not enough. 

But I can't jump in with both feet and make myself crazy. Instead I will continue working on the small things until they become automatic, and as they become habits and stack up, well, then I will have a better chance at integrating all of the important parts of the program, not just the ones that are easy and obvious.

Enough ruminating.

But it's interesting to note that my original objectives were the right ones, and even unknowing of the how or why of it, I knew what I needed.