Not really actively worrying, but I am aware that for each success I rebound at some point whether it's a day or a week later. I know, one day at a time, and for me also one night at a time. I don't want to borrow trouble, but it would be ever so nice to have a whole week of Bright nights in a row. Maybe that would be enough to keep me going for a month, and then a year, and then I could finally get to the freedom part of the program. Really have some semblance of normalcy.
I've been avoiding meat, adding nuts to my dinner, and hemp oil to my night time tea for the past few days. I'm hoping it's making a difference, but it's probably too soon to expect noticeable results. I know once I can eliminate cheese that will make a difference, and I am planning on not replenishing my supply of gorgonzola once it's gone. I do so love me some cheese and pecans, but I know it's part of my ongoing inflammation problem. Challenge. Whatever.
So I am here to purge negative thoughts, and try to head to bed with a positive attitude. If my rebel shows up later tonight, I will chat her up. I will not let myself turn left coming out of the bathroom, instead I will go straight back to my warm and cozy bed. If I can't sleep I will practice slow and mindful breathing, or listen to my book.
I am focused on fasting to heal. I am shutting down the temptation to look to the future for goals - I have an immediate goal that is more important than anything coming down the tube. Tonight, tonight is the most important thing I can focus on because it will lead to another night, and another.
I am looking at the sticky on my desk that says, "Remember that the daytime Vail DOES CARE." Because I do, this part of me that I like to think is my own true self does care. Saying that, I can hear the whisper that echoes deep inside of me that wants to say, "yea, but really you don't", and I know that is not the best of me. That thought is no longer welcome here.
I am better than that.
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