BLE: A good Day

Today's Food:

(b) ham on toast;  fresh pineapple, banana, red grapes

(l) pork & beans; zucchini, onions & green beans;  red grapes & blueberries

(d) cauliflower crust pizza w\ mushrooms & red onions

We brought in food from Blaze Pizza, and our cauliflower crust pizzas were good, and satisfying. Just what we wanted. Then I googled the ingredients, and of course rice flour was third on the list for the crust. Taking all the ingredients into consideration, flour was definitely lower than third on the list, but I was disappointed in the high fat content and we won't be indulging as regularly as we might have had we not looked. But once you know, you can't not know. R says we can do better at home, and I'm sure we will be doing some experimenting with cleaner ingredients.

Cal had a good day; no pain meds, two naps, acting normal thank heavens. His lips are still really chapped and he has complained a couple of times about pain. But very little food has passed his lips. We are optimistic that tomorrow will keep getting better and that he will start eating soon. Currently he is surviving on milk, chocolate milk, strawberry milk, chocolate cake, and chocolate chip cookies. Everyone's dream diet, no? No. Definitely a no.

This morning in my MMG we talked about how easy it is to forget that we 'want' to improve our lives, and fall into the trap of negative self talk that includes the words 'need' and 'have to' when it comes to following the plan. We don't have to do shit, that only triggers rebellion. But focusing on what we want, well, there lies the glory of positive affirmations. I want to move better, I want to wear cute jeans, I want to be able to keep up with the grandkids. I want to be healthy until I die. No one is making me do this, it is a choice I am making because I want to, because these are things I want for myself. Don't I?

So many years of feeling like a failure, and accepting that I don't deserve a better life, has done some damage to my own true self. Or rather, has covered up my authentic being. Because up until Joey's death I felt myself to be a good person; always playing the Pollyanna game, always being helpful, always the hard worker bee. I can see now that in some ways his death did break me, or rather, it broke off a part of me that would become a protector. A part that recognized my need to hide away, and cultivated an attitude of 'not caring' so I had an excuse to say no to life. It was an easy fix, to just say yes to food instead.

I've worked through so much this past year. Accepting that a big beautiful life doesn't mean having a spotlight trained on me, it just means being happy in the moment and saying yes to anything that sounds wonderful. I don't have to go out in the world and accomplish great things, I just need to accept the world as it is and embrace every golden moment that is offered up. Every ray of sunshine and every little kiss on the cheek, I treasure them all. And those moments are all as important as any grand gesture experience by another living their best life.

So many thousands of years of philosophers helping humans to just exist. It makes me wonder why it has to be so complicated, and why we aren't evolving organically into our best lives. Just ugly bags of walking water - yes a Star Trek reference- and so complicated we're still trying to figure out how to exist in harmony with our planet. I still think we will exterminate ourselves, and wish the next cycle of life better luck.

Well that was some rabbit hole I wandered into. Suffice it to say that I am ending my day optimistic, as I end most of them, and heading into my dark night focusing on what I want.  Focusing on what I will say to my rebel when she wants to get up for a snack pretending that she just doesn't care. I will tell her that I want to heal, I want to be pain free, I want to get up from my chair and just walk without waiting for my body to catch up.

These are simple things, but will change my life, and I want them. I do.