I'm still trying to help the team catch up on year end processing at my desk job, and the last two days have flown by as I try to log in time every chance I get. I love my team, and I do this for them, not for the boss man. But I am tired, and taking the evening off I think. I need to get in the kitchen as soon as R is finished up making their dinner, and and see if we need anything for the game tomorrow. We are going to skip our grain at breakfast so we can make nachos for lunch, M having picked up chips and salsa from a local restaurant for the occasion. I can see the chopped tomatoes and olives and salsa over melted cheese and golden chips in my mind and I want them. Luckily I am full from dinner and willing to wait until tomorrow. And yes, technically corn chips are not on the BLE program, but they are not made with flour or sugar, and we are eating them as part of a meal, not snacking on them. Everything is being carefully thought out, and will be weighed. It's all good.
I think I have calmed down from being overwhelmed by all of the 'self care' that is erupting in my life. I just need to pick a few important items and concentrate on them until they are habits, then add a couple more. Keeping my bright lines and doing a morning meditation seem to be filtering to the top of what I actually want to do. I just can't feel like I have to do anything, it has to be something I want, it's all in the perspective.
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I'm feeling a little guilty about the Queen Anne chocolate covered cherries I sent my Mother. She received them today and is enjoying them immensely - maybe a little too much, hence the guilt. Oh well. It's hard not being able to jump in the car to go see her, and I know she loves the chocolates, so it is what it is.
I'm trying not to think about it too much. Her birthday is the 12th, Valentines Day the 14th, and then Joey's Death Day the 16th. I always let it slip by with barely a mention out in the real world, just trying to keep my shit together, and I know there is lots there that I need to address. But somehow I keep pushing it aside, to my detriment I am sure, because it is so hard to face. The guilt, the loss, the questions. I have tools now, and know that eventually I will address these issues, it just doesn't need to be this month. Maybe next Summer, when there is a little distance from the actual anniversary, and there is the warmth of the sun to help soothe my soul.
What I need to think about is breakfast tomorrow, and what we will have without the grain component. Maybe just keep it simple and make a pan of scrambled eggs for the family to share. Lunch of course is nachos, then dinner...well, I just don't know yet. Maybe a rich vegetable lentil stoup, that way I can use up any dated veggies from the fridge. It's become a source of accomplishment to get through the week without throwing away food.
And here I am again with nothing to say, a tired back, and a longing to lie down. And it's not even 7pm on a Saturday night. I would say I am showing my age, but I've been this way since my forties. Who knows what's really going on inside. One of my dreams. like most people probably, is for there to be a way station between death and the next adventure, where we get to look back and see....everything. Why we had certain challenges, what was really going on in our bodies, if we came away with the lessons we should have. That dream.
Perhaps a cup of tea will help my miasma.
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