Reflections on a day without Joey

Today is fifteen years since my son passed, and while of course  mostly I was sad, it was not shadowed with severe guilt and blame as it has been in past years. Instead my grief is accompanied by just a little regret; that I hadn't noticed sooner and helped him more as a small child; that I hadn't paid closer attention as he entered school; and that I was at a place in my own life where I was unable to help him despite how I tried. Because I do need to acknowledge that I did try, in many ways and many times, to reach out and help. With school, with addiction, with home.

So I sat in the back yard feeling lucky that I had another little boy to help raise, Cal there at my side digging away in his sand box on an unseasonably sunny day. I relaxed into the warmth of the sun, and enjoyed the breeze that was not too chilly. I listened for birds, and spoke to Joey about how much he would love seeing his niece and nephew growing strong in the same house he was raised. Wondering how they would interact, wondering if he would even be around to notice.

As my thoughts turned morose I quietly moved them aside and went back to enjoying the sun and the sound of Cal burying his fingers in sand to miraculously find them again a moment later. For those moments I was content. He went for treatment this morning and it was good to see him playing quietly. We had attempted to go for a walk, but we barely made it around the corner before we had to turn back, his hand on his belly and his head down. So we dug in the front yard a bit looking for treasure, did some laps in a scooter up and down the driveway, then made out way to the back yard for rock hopping, throwing balls around, and finally settling in; me in my chair to rest and him standing at the sand box next to me while we spoke of dinosaurs, birds, and squirrels. It was perfect.

Now it's time to go to 'work', and I will be glad of the distraction. There have been very few tears today, as I try to focus on the positive, and be grateful for having Joey as long as I did. I am also grateful for the sounds from the kitchen as R makes dinner for her family. These past fifteen years would have been impossible without her.

Sending love out into the cosmos, for all those we love and miss.