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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Hating that I feel the need to write this down

I feel like I lost something today. Yes, it has been an extremely challenging week and yes I've made too many mistakes to count - nor would I want to count them at any rate - but now it all just seems a fitting prelude leading up to today. Going back to work was suppose to mean feeling good about taking care of my responsibilities, it was not suppose to be about bringing into focus how wrong I feel about everything in my life. And today, a Sunday,  was suppose to be about supporting my partner in something important, and instead we killed the fun of something we both love.  I'm just tired and sad, and embarrassed that I am just another lemming who is realizing the weekend is almost over.  A rum and diet Pepsi sits on my desk as I type, and I can't drink it fast enough to numb this awful feeling. Each of us home after a long and exhausting day spent at the same place doing the same thing yet not together, and now home; separate in our little offices that each use to be a bedroom to a bright and energetic child a lifetime ago and worlds away. What terrible things life has wrought, and just now it's hard to remember the good things. How maudlin of me, how deep my dive into the pity pool this afternoon.