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Sunday, October 14, 2007

Where to begin...

Sometimes just living seems very complicated, while other times I float through the day in a fog. I belive it began at age 17 when I heard on the radio a man speaking of how he had never figured out what he wanted to be when he grew up, that he felt he had wasted his life searching for an answer to the big why question (why am I here.) For a long time I felt it was a self fullfilling prophecy. Many were the years I explained away my lack of motivation by suggesting that as the middle child I was busy moderating while my older and younger siblings were born with the career genes. For a great portion of my life I thought of my lack of drive as a detriment, but more recently I see that my life has unfolded by letting the waves take me, and that having done so is not a bad thing; to let myself drift where the lessons lie that I am to learn. I believe that making ones path, or letting the path unfold before you can both be right; we all walk alone no matter the company. I can quote crap all day if you like. If I like. Which brings me to why I am here typing to the universe. My goal is to try a new approach at grounding, to find a way to feel more connected since I am alone much. I remember the day a friend explained to me how I was a loner, and that I cried because it was true. Not by choice, I thought at the time feeling very...put upon, but I have learned that I am responsible for how I live. How sad that I don't love that part of what I have created. So let the ramblings begin, and the truth as I see it tumble forth. And the truth that I need to get past is that on February 16th in 2006 my son was killed at the age of 22. My daughter was 25 at the time. And my reality right now is that I haven't been able to work much in the last 18 months; my goal here is therapy, because I love what I do and I want to get back to work.