This past weekend I finally connected with a group to meet about the Bright Line Freedom class we are taking. It's called a Master Mind group and we are to support each other on this journey. I now know from listening to testimonials that I am not unusual, or special, or different in my food struggles than millions of others. But knowing that, and then seeing parts of myself in these three different women was an experience I won't forget. It touched me deeply, and I am full of gratitude this week.
There are so many of us who have read the Bright Line Eating book and said, "yes! that's me!" over and over again as we devoured the pages and learned the beautiful science of our eating addiction. We aren't crazy or lazy or indifferent, we are just addicted. Something that can be fixed. Seeing the emotion, and hope, and frustration that I feel inside reflected back to me from them was inspiring in a way I haven't experienced before. I truly am not unique in my struggles with food and weight.
And now, it's about so much more. I hear all the time that the weight loss is just the beginning. And I have tried to imagine a life free from the food struggles and who I might be when I am in my right sized body, but it's been really hard to do that. I am not going to stress about that now; everything in it's own time and all that. For now I am going to just work on the lessons and really get to know the parts that have been chattering away in my head my whole life. This is IFS work, and having never been to therapy for myself, it's the first time I am going to look at my life in a different way than I ever have before. I use to tell myself I have accepted my life for what it is, but now I know acceptance is not enough. I must learn what the consequences were of those horrible things, and accept what happened inside me as a result. Then maybe there can be peace.
After my group meeting on Saturday, I felt my depression lifting. Who knew I was depressed? I have mentioned many times how insidious depression is - creeping in on little cats feet so quiet and slow that I don't know it's there until a cloud lifts. My take away from the meeting is self care. I wasn't able to answer questions in the lesson last week about what I do to feel centered and calm etc. But sharing in the group reminded me I do have memories of feeling my authentic self, and activities that do make me feel more so that way. Some I can't pick back up yet, like archery and reading, but some I can - walking and gardening are simple and doable.
Sunday was normal, prepping meals and making sure we have supplies for the week. I have been switching out half my protein for a plant based option more often; who knew that breakfast sausage, pecans, and triscuits went so well together! I do now. And my jalapeno sausages mixed with lentils was wonderful over roasted veggies. That being said, my favorite breakfast right now is a potato, cheese, and egg dish that I fry up a couple of mornings a week. No, I am not deprived.
I will say that having made it through last night without eating in the middle of it, I was hungry today. The midnight snacks could probably be anything from 30-300 calories so of course it would make a difference. But I am happy to have had a bright night, and want another one!
My goals this week are two-fold. First, to strip back all the frills and just focus on my bright lines. No tracking, no getting on the scale, no marking off days. Just following the bright lines. One meal at a time, one day at a time. Second, self care. Walk, garden, spend more time outside, de-stress. KISS! And journaling. Because writing is a natural release for me. Maybe this time it will be more constructive. I quit because I felt I was just keeping a record of one failed attempt after another to lose weight. Nothing healing was happening in my brain, which was initially the whole point of this blog; to make sense of the world and find some healing. Now, maybe I will. Now, maybe I will have other things to write about than just the weight.
