BLE: Morning pages

I haven't' been journaling, whether I am avoiding instigating a trailhead for parts work or just too lazy is beyond my ken. The pull to dive into animal crossings of a morning has lessened, partly due to Wordle, partly due to morning meditations, but it's nice to feel free from that. 

I need to journal, that comes up again and again in testimonials and chats and SPT's vlogs, and most recently in the BLE Maintenance modules. Most recently the cue to journal around grief as related to the BLE journey. I have been reluctant to do it here because of my history of whining, which is what eventually always drives me away - I have come to hate the pity pool I so often dissolve into. I know the work is important, so I will give it a try. The question is what have I lost, how do I feel about it, and what is the outcome - I think. Damn, I'll have to look it up again.

What have I lost?

The drug. Being able to eat my way into a coma-state where I don't have to think or feel. Disappearing into a book or movie while eating was my go-to escape for most of my life. Losing a forty year habit is a huge change, and has been the hardest comfort to give up. And that all goes back to being a small child and feeling rebellious at having to be here. Here being on earth having a human experience. As a child it was a simple though, frustrated that I was having to be here when all I wanted was to just go back. How that single thought on a beautiful southern California day has pestered me my whole life is amazing.

Untethered. That is how I think of my life. How I blew from one thing to another without drive or ambition, how I just went with the flow.  But that's not really true, is it? I had to have made things happen or I wouldn't have left home at 19 to live in San Francisco, Wouldn't have moved to the East Bay and met my future husband. Wouldn't have purchased the home I still live in. And wouldn't be moving back South to live with my Mother in September.

I suppose part of the treasure of journaling is that  you never quite know where you will end up if you just start writing. This morning is a beginning, and I will try once again to make it a practice to journal my morning pages here.

Back to the original intent, and how do I feel about it, will have to wait. Instead a rowdy five year old with a newly missing tooth has inserted himself onto my lap making this an exercise in futility.

I wouldn't change a thing.

BLE: Maintenance course Intro

Gems from the Introduction module to the first Maintenance course from Bright Line Eating.

Nothing changes at maintenance.

There's no 'arrival'.

There's no rush to get anywhere.

I'm already living in the grace.

The gift is this Bright day.

These are the small excerpts that brought me peace yesterday, that calmed my rebel spirit and maybe even let her accept a little bit that this is something I really want, and not only that, it's something that we can really do.

Always the food chatter around 'diet' to see if we can lose a certain amount by a certain day has been a recipe for disaster. During BL Freedom, I learned to address this chatter using parts work so that it doesn't send me into manic mode, and from there into depression.

Reboot Rezoom confirmed that me rezooming each morning is a good thing, a perfect thing really. I just needed to smooth out my actions & reactions so that I never dip into the danger and destruction zone over the course of the day and into the evening.

Now in the Maintenance I course, I am already inspired by the way SPT frames ideas, finding it natural and easy to take them to heart. I had never looked at 'One Day at a Time' as the gift it really is. Here I have a gift everyday to make it not only Bright, but to use it as a stepping stone towards peace. To see my 'one days' as integral to building a path forward just isn't something I accepted before. I think I do now. And it's so easy, all I need to do is care for myself today, and the rest will take care of itself.

Feeling abnormally positive today.  The leg pains are still there, the back is still a problem, my energy level is still low, and in spite of it all the revelations of yesterday keep me buoyed above it all. 

Nothing changes at maintenance.
Maybe I will get to add a grain at dinner, but everything else will remain the same. This is for life, and the habit stacks I am practicing now will still be the way forward no matter what I weigh.

There's no 'arrival'.
I'm already where I need to be, having one Bright day at a time. There is no magic date that will move me from what is normal to some magical place. Onederland is just a marker, not a destination. 

There's no rush to get anywhere.
Again, one day at a time will take me where I need to go. I don't have to be extra perfect for a specific amount of time to meet a deadline. Being Bright one day at a time will make sure that no matter what I weigh on any specific date I will feel good about myself on that day because I will know I am doing/have done everything I need to do.

I'm already living in the grace.
This one is not as clear, but living in the answer & being present to knowing I am on the right path, this is what puts me in a state of grace.

The gift is this Bright day.
Bright Line Eating is the answer to my food addiction, it's a gift SPT has given us with her experience, science, love, and determination to make our lives better. This knowledge of how to have a Bright day, to make this one day Bright, is all we need. Everything else will follow.