BLE: A Bright Week

I have no specific memories of this week, just a feeling that it was mostly calm, that there weren't many mind games about what to eat, and that I had a stretch of Bright days behind me before I splurged on an afternoon snack of sharp cheddar cheese Friday afternoon. No biggie, and I've been Bright since then.

It was an ibuprofen and a little bit or real coffee kind of morning so I could get some chores done. It always feels good to accomplish something.

Lunch today was carrots and celery, a couple of hard boiled eggs, and a beautifully crisp and sweet Envy apple. As soon as my ear buds have charged (an ongoing disadvantage to my new phone) I'll get to work in the kitchen. I haven't decided yet if I'm making Moroccan lentil stew or black bean stoup, but either way I think I have all of the ingredients.

My focus this week is to just stay Calm & Bright. Woah...that's a Christmas Carole!

It's a beautiful day outside, and I am grateful for the state of mind that is letting me enjoy it.

But first, a game of Monopoly has been requested, and that has become paramount on my to do list.

BLE: What I want

 I have a paper journal for writing down what I am grateful for each day. I try to write in it often, and for each week I have a list that I review and check off each time I make an entry.

This morning after transferring the list to the next week I thought, these are  like sound-bites. What do they really mean? So here goes.

I want

peace of Mind:  I want to enjoy cooking and eating, and then forget all about food until it's time for my next meal. I don't want to dream about the addictive foods that brought me to this place in my life, where I am still writing about and struggling with what I eat and my resulting weight. I want to have the space to think about art, and going fun places, and having my bow tuned in case I want to go hiking and shooting up in the Oakland hills. I don't want to think about when my next opportunity will be to grab something I shouldn't, I don't want to bribe myself with something NMF in the future to be Bright now. I want to stop dreaming about pie, and pizza, and coffee ice cream. They were literally killing me, why can I not reconcile myself to them being evil and destructive? Why does a part of me glamourize them and try to seduce me knowing what I now know? Crazy thoughts, and I want them to be gone.

walk w/o pain: Just that. To walk without being in pain, whether it's my hips, knees, feet or legs. I want to be able to go fun places to hike and see beautiful things. I want to be able to run to Cal if and when he needs me, and take him on adventures out on the golf course.

better blood work: How wonderful it would be to see normal numbers at my annual blood work in January. Especially cholesterol and thyroid. To have my Dr. agree to take me off medications because I no longer need them. To have my blood pressure taken and have it recorded the first time because it's normal and there is no reason to take it a 2nd and 3rd time trying to get lower numbers. To skip the embarrassment of having to stand up while they take it, to skip the shame and blame and all the rest of the garbage feelings that creep their way into one's psyche when the numbers remain too high.

size 12 jeans: While this is a goal, being in a loose size 16 would float my boat about now.  I'm so sick and tired of having three or four or five different sizes of pants in my closet. Jeans are cozy and comfortable when they fit, and to not have to sort by what does and doesn't fit would be so glorious. A true blessing. And right now after a month of grief and parts-work and Halloween my jeans are tight. I don't even know what size they are, just that the elastic band at my waist is no longer loose. Elastic - how sad and pitiful.

better sleep: I seldom sleep more than a few hours at a time. I know that losing weight will help my breathing, and I long for a stretch of six hours at a time so I can wake up refreshed instead of groggy and grumpy and struggling just to make it to the loo, and then the kitchen to make coffee so I can wake up.

better clothes; I am thankful that Walmart and Target carry 'big' girl clothes and that I can at least dress myself. But really, I am so tired of living in tents. It would be so wonderful to be able to pull out a pretty sweater that didn't take a herd of sheep to make and still  looked nice after being washed. Cheap clothes do not travel well in the wash, spin, and dry cycles.

There are so many other things I want, but these are at the cored of what is important right now. So I try to remember why I want to stay Bright, and what can happen if I do. All of these things and more.

So far so Bright today.

BLO Bright Line Eating Official Facebook group

There are so many inspiring stories on FaceBook if you look at the Bright Line Official page, and yet, after two years mine isn't one of them.  YET. In today's vlog Susan mentioned that for some of us the plan just isn't working. And true to her mission she is not giving up on us. In December the new Rezoom book is due to publish, and in 2022 the new mission is for 1 Million of us to be in Bright Sized Bodies by 2025. Per her feedback on the program they are well on their way to meeting this goal. It's encouraging that she has a 'no man left behind' mentality, and is thinking globally. Mission #2, to have global obesity rates declining by 20..30? 40? I don't remember.  But here's the vlog. 

The bowl of dark chocolate covered pretzels at midnight left me in pain and depressed this morning. So far so bright today, but that is nothing unusual. It's the demons that come out at dark that persist in pestering me. During the day I am determined to fight for the bright night ahead that is still possible. But then comes the haunting hour and finally after a brief battle it's a relief to give in and eat something. Christ, bottom line maybe I'm just crazy.

Anyway. Today's food plan went out the window at lunch when I picked up a lettuce wrapped burger while getting Cal his chicken stars. We really need to wean him off of those. So still bright, but off plan. I topped it off with snap peas and a peach.

The day's gloom is pressing up against the windows, the cold creeping in and coating the room in grey. I'm glad there is minestrone soup left over for dinner, at least that is a cheerful thought.

Tomorrow's food will be about cleaning out the fridge and using up the vegetables that need to be eaten. There are beans and soyrizo for proteins, as well as nuts and seeds. So while I am not writing down a specific menu, I do have a plan. R cooked oatmeal this morning and I haven't had that in a while, so that's breakfast planned at least. Then lots of veggies, as usual, for lunch and dinner.

Four O'Clock, time for dinner.

Food and Whine

The angst of the day has subsided, and I've finished my work. All is calm, if not Bright. It was only a few pieces of Triscuit with butter after lunch, so I feel I escaped with minimal damage. And it's easy to forgive the small slip given what could have happened.

Today's food

•  b: hash browns, egg, salsa, cheddar chz, banana
•  l:  minestrone soup, extra spinach, cream cheese, soyrizo, apple. triscuits & butter
• d: Pozole take out; easy to weigh out a dinner portion

Tomorrow's food

•  b: left over pazole, egg, grapes 
•  l:  spaghetti squash, marinara, ricotta, parmesan chz & an apple
• d: minestrone soup, extra spinach, cream cheese, soyrizo

I'm keeping  my food simple tomorrow as I did for today, opting for take out at dinner and foregoing the chores of cooking and cleaning up, Everyone needs a break once in a while, no? Sometimes I feel like my life is nothing but dishes and laundry, one load after another and another and another. It's not true of course, those are but a small part of what I do, but time being relative and all that, it does seem that way more often than not.

Seems I am still somewhat gloomy, and will cut this short and head to bed.

Mostly gloom and doom

I got dressed, brushed my hair, and headed out to have my eyebrows done. Walking into the mostly empty nail salon, I said my usual, "eyebrows please?"  The girl at the front desk was busy with a Dremel tool sanding away on her customer, and barely gave me a glance. I looked back into the shop and there were two other employees sitting in the foot massage chairs just hanging out. Since no one jumped up to help me, I assumed that waxing was not part of their repertoire. 

Once again I asked the front desk girl if it would be  much of a wait. "Just give me a few minutes", she responded, sounding disinterested. "Never mind", I replied, "I can see that you're busy". And out the door I went, making it to my car before bursting into tears.

Obviously something was wrong. I took a moment to assess the situation; there had been nothing in my closet I wanted to wear this morning so I had on a baggy, wrinkled, green sweater.  I had decided once again to quit having my decaf coffee in the  morning, so maybe I was a little out of sorts. And I was mad at Harry for dying. What? I let myself yell at him as I drove to Mickey D's for a medium decaf coffee with cream. (Two lines broken, a snack and an extra fat.) Once sipping on the coffee I headed home to farm online, the comfort available to me in my self-constructed closet of a world.

But instead I sat down to write, and to try to figure this out. Why am I so mad at him? Because he hadn't reached out to me as he was dying? (Romantic nonsense) Because he was the only person who had ever held me with love and passion? (Real, but histrionic.) That somewhere deep inside I really had believed we would find each other again? (Fantasy, it would never have worked out.)

Much calmer now, I realize I am just moving through my grief. As unexpected as it is, it's there and ignoring it won't do me a bit of good. So accepting that I am mad at him is healthy, and reviewing why is helpful in calming me down.  Because it's not based on reality. At all. Yes I wanted 'us' to work out. But I wanted a partner with all of his virtues and none of his issues - after all it was the latter that was partly to blame in driving us apart, and nothing there was going to change. He was who he was, and if he didn't want to explore that with me, well, that was his choice. His path. 

In releasing my anger towards him, I find it redirected at myself. Why have I made my world so small that I have no one to meet for drinks and commiserate with me? And as always the answer comes back to Joey, and of the undisputable (in  my  mind) fact of me not being worthy of a bigger  life. That my mission right now is to do the best I can for my grandkids and just exist until this can all be over. I thought I had gotten past that, that I had decided to live a real life and not just exist, but apparently not. And I think that Harry dying just pointed a big old finger at me, the universe pounding the point home that I ...what... that I aren't trying hard enough? That I need to either accept a small life or do something about it? Just thinking about it is so overwhelming I feel  myself pulling back, a tortoise retreating into his shell, to the small, dark, safe inside.

A small life can be a good life, so why am I still struggling with the notion that it should be more than what I have, bigger and more meaningful? Because I believe that we are here to experience life, and I'm not doing a very good job of it. Damn, and here come the tears again. All of the books I loved as a girl growing up have a strong heroine who fights and wins whatever the situation. So yes, I have high expectations of myself and the disappointment can be overwhelming that I have fallen so short.

And now I am fed up with my whining, and a little bit of a different kind of mad starts to set in. Because I know I have a good life, that I am worthy and loved. But I feel like Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets, so frustrated because it's been so long since she's had feelings of wanting to be held and loved. And I know that if I keep living a small life, I will never meet  someone new. Never connect with another partner. And at this age I could have another 15 year relationship - since that seems to be the limit of my patience with partners.

'Working' on myself is exhausting. I don't want to do it, I just want life to miraculously open up and provide what I need for exactly who I am. 

This journal entry began with the intention of looking at the stages of grief to modify them and examine where I am in the process so I can be prepared to move on. Instead it turned into a rant, a pity party, an abysmal glance into how I see myself and how distorted it is. But it's my truth right now, and I don't see a way out except to just accept it. And I don't see that happening. So a rock and a hard place.

I guess I'm just waiting to see if I end up as a a diamond or dust as my world shifts around me.

BLE: Soup weather

We had a productive Sunday around here, Mikel missing church to stay home and check off a couple honey-do projects; fixing the laundry room door and hanging a cabinet for me in my bedroom. Rhiannon switched the door on the dryer for better access from the washer, and I took Cal to the park to get him out of the way.

Later in the day Rhiannon cleaned out gutters while I swept up; rain is forecast this week - we can hope at least.

Bright all day, then bread and butter at bedtime. It's my drug of choice when I need to sleep, and I did get in a solid six hours last night thank heavens. That really needs to stop, the bread not the sleep, and as always I am optimistic this  morning about making that happen.

Today's food 

•  b: hash browns, egg, salsa, banana & grapes
•  l:  spaghetti squash, marinara, parmesan, whatever the ripest fruit is
• d: minestrone soup

Alanna made a list of meals, and today I'm making minestrone soup using the instant pot. Maybe we are doing it together? We shall see. But it will entail a trip to the store I think, I'm not sure, I need to go through the cupboards first. We may have everything already.

The cooler weather, due mostly to the onshore winds flying up from the bay, have been lovely. But I'm not really ready for the 60s! Better than the 90s I suppose. So I guess I am still a little out of sorts and a bit grumpy to be complaining about the weather. We can just blame it on  my age, it's what I am supposed to do after all. Complain. Wow. Moving on.

I enjoy Monday's now. It's sort of a catch up day; straightening out after the weekend, catching up laundry, watching too much TV. Hanging out with Cal is the priority though, and we have a good time together. I think it's time to start taking our walks again (back to the weather, god) now that it's cooled off, and have fun collecting things. Maybe we should start painting and hiding rocks around the neighborhood, I think he would like that.

Okay, off to start the day. I'm so grateful to be able to stay home instead of riding in to the office. So grateful Mondays aren't a PITA anymore.

Goodbye Harry

 I found out this morning that an ex-partner of fifteen years had passed from Covid last week.  I haven't seen or spoken to him in years, he had disappeared out of my life without a word after a bittersweet parting one  morning. We had been out drinking the night before, and I had spent the night.  I can still recall exactly how we were standing in front of his house, looking at each other as I began to cry, "It doesn't work when we are together and it's not working being apart. I don't know what to do." "We'll figure it out", he says, giving me what I thought was a heartfelt hug. For years I couldn't decide if I never heard from him again out of compassion for me so I could move on in my life without him, or because he was just tired of us. I'll never know, so I choose to believe the former explanation; we must not speak ill of the dead.

He died on the 10th, and it's interesting to look back on my journal entry from the 11th. At some level, did I feel his leaving?

Do I believe at some level we are all connected and his death had impacted my mood that day? That there are no coincidences? I just don't know, not really, but a part of me likes to think that I knew and was grieving. Another part cries Bullshit! and moves on. She is a little manners challenged, that one, but I love her anyway.

Harry gave me archery, and I cherish most of my memories hiking through National Forests with him at competitions. He had become rather cranky in the latter years of our relationship; about not shooting well, about other archers, about the weather. He never could open up to me and tell me what was really going on, and eventually I guess we broke under the combined pressure of our independent moods. I know I changed after Joey died, just as I have changed again now, caring for my grandson. That's what life is after all, one change after another. 

I hope this change is one for the better for him, that his next journey brings him the peace he couldn't find in this one. Well, at least not the last few years he was with me. Reading his obituary at first I wondered who this man was they were writing about. But then I pieced it out and found the man I knew and loved.  Smart, loving to learn, playing music, being outdoors. It was just set in unfamiliar surroundings and with strangers. Maybe he found something good with them; one can hope.

I'm glad that he found someone, a family he could be with, and I truly hope he found some happiness. Do I wish he had taken better care of himself? Yes. Do I wish I hadn't heard the news? Yes. Do I wish he had kept in touch with his daughter and grandchildren instead of disappearing? Absolutely.  But everyone has a story, and not really knowing his, once again I choose to give him some slack.

It was strange, tracking down online where he lived, seeing his blue truck parked out front of the house, and knowing that's where he has been living. Florida of all places. Another Republican dead to Covid, and my Tough Chick part says, "good riddance!" God I can be mean and unfeeling, but at least I usually keep her contained.

I was telling R earlier that I hadn't realized that there was still a part of me that was expecting him to come back, so we could be the old fogies together out shooting at archery competitions. What do I do with that? Am I never going to shoot again? Am I going to ever be healthy enough and strong enough to go hike and shoot? And by myself? The grief wells up and I let the tears come as I mourn my friend, my lover, my past. All for selfish reasons I guess, but for what he lost too, because we could have had fun I think.

When we first kissed there was an electric spark that passed between our lips. Maybe it was a windy day, maybe it was kismet, but it changed my life for the next fifteen years. Now I can put that chapter of my life to bed, and just remember the best times, and let the rest go. Rest in peace,  you grumpy old man.

BLE: An unfinished day

 My saboteur was in full force this morning as I lay in bed, wondering what the day would bring. Everything was all of a sudden so hopeless and the only future I could imagine was gloomy and fraught with disasters. STOP, I told myself.

The mood didn't last long, before six Cal was peeking in to ask for help with getting his pajama bottoms back on after his trip to the loo. He climbed in and we snuggled while he watched Arthur, and all of a sudden everything was okay. Yes, I should be able to self-soothe at my age, but it's so much easier with a small child to remind you of love and being needed.

My existence confirmed, I got up to start the day. One scoop of real coffee and one scoop of decaf later I was buzzing about setting the house to straights. Laundry in after scrounging about for anything white, dishes set to run and counters wiped down, living room picked up and curtains opened. Then most important of all, unpacking the Fall sheets and changing my bed. There are few things I like more than wearing summer pajamas between flannel sheets at the beginning of the Autumnal season,  when it's still too warm for goose down comforters and too cold for cotton sheets.

Exhausted after work last night I rolled into bed - a whole two feet from my desk chair- and never gave a thought to journaling. It's okay, I don't have to be perfect, and I did read from my gratitude journal and mark off my wants of the day before tucking in to bed for the the night. Another Bright night lies behind me, which makes me wonder why I woke up so grumpy. Maybe I should check the moon.

Today's food (8oz veg lunch and 12oz dinner) 

•  b: triscuits & colgy jack cheese, banana
•  l:  chopped salad, beans & seeds, bleu cheese dressing, apple
• d: carrot fries, roasted grape tomatoes, jalapeno sausage

I've been struggling with splitting the vegetables evenly, 10 and 10, so I am going back to my old standard. If it's a salad at lunch it's 8oz leaving 12oz cooked veggies for dinner. If it's a prepped meal at lunch it's 6oz cooked veggies leaving a 14oz salad for dinner. That's what works, so why did I feel the need to change it? Especially now that I have the dressing extender of vinegar, nutritional yeast, and mustard figured out and won't be going over on my fat for the occasional large dinner salads.

And work is texting...back later.

BLE: The day after - what I'm not sure - but the day after

So exhausted from doing NOTHING yesterday, I went to bed forgetting to journal and commit my food for today. Standing in front of the refrigerator this  morning I didn't like the way I felt - unorganized, unprepared, having to make a decision about what to make for breakfast. Luckily the left over veggies from the pot roast were right in front so the  potatoes were easy to grab for my 'grain' and eggs over easy are always - well - easy!

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: red potatoes, eggs over easy, banana & green grapes
•  l:  chopped salad, beans & seeds, bleu cheese dressing, apple
• d: meatball soup w/ lots of spinach

Why I didn't do any food prep yesterday is a mystery. I was sort of frozen, which hasn't happened in a while, and I spent way too much time in front of the TV and computer. And it was an absolutely gorgeous day outside, what a waste! But no beating up on myself, until I broke out the peanut butter toast after lunch I had been bright for longer than usual. Maybe I just needed a bunny slipper day but didn't realize it.  My Bad.

There is lots to do today, including straightening out the garage to make a place to listen to records. Alanna has a friend coming over Friday and they need a spot to hang out. Finally the boxes and boxes and boxes of records will come in handy!  I hope they find something to listen to that they love. Thank you Jimmy <3

I even forgot my gratitude journal yesterday, what the heck? I guess I need an emergency action plan for when I wake up in a funk. And I know what it was, it was the pain in my legs. Worse instead of better as expected, and too stubborn to take pills. If I had just taken the pills and gone outside the day would have gone much better. Note to self, get over yourself!!

Funky morning?

1. self assessment - what's wrong, take steps to remedy the situation

2. get outside, even if it's just sitting in the back yard for a few minutes

3. make sure your food is prepped and in order

4. use the paper journal to figure it out and  move forward

Okay, off to get back on track. Back later to commit tomorrow's food.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: hashbrowns, scrambled egg, cheese, salsa, banana & grapes
•  l:  homemade cauliflower crust pizza, pears & blueberries
• d: green chili corn, beans, cream cheese

Bright all day, dinner was a little heavy on veg but delicious, and I'm feeling a little hungry tonight. We just watched the British Baking Show - food porn- and we'll see how it goes. If I don't get through the night Bright I may have to not watch this season 😞

I'm really looking forward to making lunch tomorrow. Cal has school so I can come home and concentrate on getting the measurements right and pre-cook the crust. I'm planning on artichoke hearts, spinach, red onion and grape tomatoes for the veg on top and a nice sprinkling of red chili pepper flakes. My brain may be a bit too lit for this, but oh well.

I got a lot done today, making a nice dent in the garage. I also did lots of climbing at the park with Cal, thinned out some toys from the living room, and did the dishes that were left over from the weekend - I wasn't the only one slacking off for some R&R.

I've just reviewed my gratitude list before bed, and I'm looking forward to waking up Bright. I found a couple of tops I would like to fit into this winter, so I am hoping that is not triggering for me. I know why feeling or looking thinner is still a challenge, but I'm ready to do the work to get past that. A topic for another day, I'm beat!

BLE: JFTFP

The pot roast for dinner was delicious, there is nothing like brussels sprouts cooked with a roast and I am glad there are enough leftovers for a few meals. I did use red potatoes and there are two small ones in each 10oz portion of veggies in the containers, but we don't have them often.

It was a busy day, more than I usually accomplish; shower, weekly meeting, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and I am not too unsatisfied with my pain level tonight. I was definitely moving better today which was a relief. I am hoping the level of pain continues to drop as I stay bright with my food.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, fruit salad (banana, pear, grape, orange, blueberry)
•  l:  chopped salad, garbanzo beans & pepitias, bleu cheese dressing, fruit salad
• d: pot roast, carrots, brussels sprouts, onions, potato

I had quite a few little conversations with my parts today as temptations came and went. "Remember how great it felt this morning to wake up and know you were still bright." And, "I really want to know what it feels like to be in a smaller body, so let's not eat that." Then the classic, "I really want that too, but we don't have to eat it today - maybe tomorrow or next weekend I'll feel strong enough to splurge." Which is a flat out lie of course, but I fell for it.

At one point today I had to run to CVS to pick up some aluminum foil to cover the post roast, and found myself standing in the bakery isle. "Really?", I asked "Is anything here worth feeling like crap about yourself?" The answer was a resounding no and I left the store with only the foil under my arm, shaking my head at my foolishness.

The kids went to the pumpkin patch after dinner, and showed up at home later with pints of Ben and Jerry's to round out the evening. I read the labels, swooning a little over the Dulce de Leche, then left to sit in the living room and wait for Lego Masters to start. I am double dipping into my gratitude journal tonight to make sure I go to bed in the right frame of mind!

I really am enjoying how freeing it is to get up each morning not having to figure out my meals for the day. I guess I've done enough parts work that the rebel who just couldn't do that in the beginning has stepped out of the way.

And I'm not stressing about how many days and night's I've stayed bright. It's enough to know I was bright yesterday, bright today, and plan to be bright tomorrow. It feels like I am finally building my bright line identity by following the plan one day at a time, instead of being on a diet.

Tonight I'm sending a prayer out into the universe, 'please let this be my moment, please help me stay the course.'  And finally, 'please let me sleep tonight!' 

BLE: Bright as a shiny new penny

Tonight I didn't eat my planned dinner. The kids went out for their dinner, and so brought in pizza for the grand's dinner before they left. I knew this would be a challenge, so I decided that I would have pizza for dinner too. The plan worked well and I had no desire to even nibble at the NMF sitting in the kitchen. I was even the one who packed it up and put it away after work. My cauliflower crust pizza had red sauce, spicy soyrizo, spinach, red onions and - the splurge of the day - Kalamata olives. I say splurge because my fat at dinner was the home made ranch dressing, a wonderful companion to my spicy pie. No cheese on the pizza meant I wasn't stuffed, but just pleasantly full after my dinner. I guess technically dinner was a little wobbly when it comes to my bright lines.

But I have had this before, and ordered knowing we had already analyzed this particular pizza and that the personal size vegetarian was a Bright 'one plate meal'; the ingredients are bright even if the portions are a little off. It leaves me satisfied and has never been a trigger for more, or for the 'real' thing. It's a win win in my book, even if it does light up my brain a little bit.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) 

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: pot roast, carrots, brussels sprouts, onions, celery

I don't usually plan two meat heavy dishes in the same day, but I woke up this morning craving pot roast - well, the veggies we cook with the roast actually - and so the plan is to slow cook one tomorrow with tons of veggies in the biggest roasting pan so there are left overs.  The meatball salads I have been having are so delicious, I knew I would be disappointed tomorrow if I didn't have one again - so there you have it.

It was a nice family night around here this evening. First exploring with Mario in the new (to us) Nintendo game that R downloaded this  morning, then watching the new sitcom, Ghosts, with the actress we liked in iZombie. I skipped out on a couple of hours of work, just too exhausted to crunch numbers, in order to do this and I will have to  make up the time tomorrow, but it was worth it.

It's a good feeling, having a couple of Bright days and nights under my belt. But it's also scary because this is when I usually break. But not tonight, I am focused and ready to question the hell out of any part who thinks they need a snack tonight. I am going to bed grateful for all I have, who I am, and all I have been. I am going to bed clear on why I want to do this. Peace, health, cute jeans, and sleep.

BLE: Doing the work - Bright Line Freedom

I am a Bright Liner

I want to have peace of mind around food

I want to walk without pain

I want to have better bloodwork

I want to wear size 12 jeans

I want to sleep better

Reading this list of why I want to lose weight, and checking off each day that I do read it in my gratitude journal is becoming a better habit. And I find myself repeating the list at odd times after first trying to remember what they are! Wait a minute, what was the first one? Oh yea, peace of mind. Then what? Hmmm...  and so on. And then repeating them in order. It's so crazy, it's as though a part of me doesn't want me to have access to this list so I actually won't remember why I want to lose weight.  

Which brings me to my parts work yesterday. I fought hard to not put just one more cookie in my mouth. There it was, sitting all alone on the counter in a snack cup - which makes me feel good now that I think about it that Cal can leave a cookie uneaten! Go him! Anyway, I reached out to my tough chick and asked, is this you that wants to eat the cookie? Because I really don't want it. But she just looked over to a younger child, slowly shaking her head. "This is you?" I ask the little girl quietly, and the memory surfaced unbidden. Her memory, her sadness, her need to fill.

It's easy to see that we have different parts inside of us, being born of trauma while our personalities were developing as babes and children - throughout our whole lives really. But to realize that they have distinct and separate personalities from our 'own true selves' is a little disturbing. They can highjack my brain? My thoughts? My intentions? Yes, it turns out they can.  I met this new one yesterday. She is about eleven years old, and writing 'dirty' words on the bathroom wall in lipstick. It's a vague memory, the actual deed, but what I remember most clearly is being lined up with my brother and sister and interrogated by our parents as to whom had done this thing - as if it was intended to hurt them.

I see now that I was screaming out for attention, for someone to notice that my brother was molesting me and to make it stop. Why we can't find words to just ask for help is beyond me to understand. I know as an adult that it's the most difficult thing in the world to speak truth to power to those closest to us. There must be a survival mechanism at work here that keeps the words from leaving our mouths. Don't rock the boat or you will be thrown off? I don't know why it's such a strong trait,  but it has done me a great disservice both in my childhood and in my more mature years. If only we could just speak plainly and truthfully more often. but I digress.

I thought briefly about apologizing to my mother and siblings, but there has been enough grief around this topic (the molestation, not the lipstick) and I have no wish to open this wound. I think realizing why I did it and forgiving that little girl who stood with her lips sealed instead of confessing under pressure is the important part of this revelation. Because I do forgive her. She tried hard in her own way to ask for help, and I have to respect that. No longer will I feel guilt for not confessing when pressed to do so. Could it really have been such a mystery? Didn't my parents suspect? No one ever reached out to me wondering why anyone would do such a thing. No. Just the interrogation, like we had done something horrible to them.  There is a relief in me, letting that go, loving that little girl and finally after a life of guilt letting her know I understand and forgive and accept what she did on our behalf. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a 'present' weight in my life - just a memory that would pop up from time to time that was filled with regret and extreme guilt that I wasn't able to tell the truth. Being more clear of mind and doing my parts work has let me really see the bigger picture this time the memory surfaced, that's all.

I go to this little girl, huddled on cold tile, straggly sun-kissed hair drooping around her face, and lift her chin. Wipe away her tears. Sit with her and hold her close. I let her know how brave she was, and how thankful I am she was strong enough to try to help. I let her know we are older now, and ready to leave all this behind us. We get up and take a walk outside around to the back of the house where my grandfather once had a garden. I show her the sunflowers growing tall and bright, and tell her my secret. "You can put your sorrows into the seeds of those flowers, and they will turn into little black birds and fly away. And you can stay and play in the garden whenever you want; we can be happy now." And I leave her there digging peacefully in the dirt, the sun shining on her face.

She is not the first part to release pain in that garden, and I can't help but wonder if there are more to come. And so the healing continues.

Today's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner) Yesterday was so good it's just a repeat

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, oranges
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing, pears & blueberries
• d: soyrizo, chili corn mix, cream cheese

Another Bright night under my belt. Go Me.

BLE: From a cookie to commitment

Well, today did not go as planned. I'm not sure why. Calvin asked for his new cookies from Trader Joe's and after putting three in his snack cup I ate one myself. WTF? Vegan, organic, but still flour and sugar. It's like my brain did a stall and my hand took over. CRAZY. So of course then 'what the hell' took over and I ate a couple of meatballs without making the salad they were to go on - so no veggies for dinner.

I tell myself that I'm not counting how many days I stay Bright anyway, that it's just a little hiccup, but I would be lying if I were to say I'm not disappointed. Just same old me, same old behaviors. But not really. Because I will be bright tonight and again tomorrow. That is what matters. Just do the next right thing. Maybe I should watch Alice in Wonderland - she knows that rule.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: rice, beans & cheese, peach
•  l:  chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing
• d: soyrizo, chili corn mix, cream cheese

I commit to staying bright through the night. I will not let this stupid little cookie distract me from my wants.

I want to walk without pain

I want to have peace of mind around food

I want to have better blood work

I want to wear size 12 jeans

Oh, and I added one this morning that I had forgotten!

I want to sleep better.

Fasting from dinner at 4pm until I break my fast at 8am gives me a nice 'healing' window. I will not ruin that tonight.

Time for tea and to check on the facebook page.

BLE: Food Prep

It was a busy day, and I accomplished much in the food prep arena as planned. There are meatballs in the fridge (loaded with zucchini and onion) and eight 10oz serving dishes packed and ready to re-heat of a green chili corn dish I made in the instant pot. There are tubes of soyrizo and cans of beans to add as proteins, Neufchatel and Parmesan cheeses for fats, and a variety of veggies for salads. 

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  cheese, spinach and mushroom omelet, salsa & sour cream, apple
• d: chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing

The green chili corn dish turned out nicely, but I don't want to eat corn everyday. The dish is full of zucchini, onions, carrots, celery, tomatillos and of course green chilis, and I'm looking forward to having it with the soyrizo later this week.

It's nice to feel tired after being productive for a change. I haven't cooked this much in a day for longer than I can remember.  "Take what you want and pay for it; now in work, later in consequences."  So many little sayings, some day I will pull out my paper notebook and list them all out together.  In any case, I am hoping it's easier to stay Bright tonight knowing I put the work in today. Knowing I am not giving up. Knowing I am making a difference in not only my life but in those around me by modeling healthy change.

Look at me all proud of myself! Better shut that down quick so I don't fall!

Sweet dreams to me.

BLE: On track for a 2nd Bright Day

Feeling good this morning after a full 24 hours Bright. I am always amazed how quickly our bodies adapt to healthier choices - or rather - from the lack of bad choices. Breakfast felt light, and I wanted to have a little more, but a simple reminder that I have eaten exactly how much fuel my body needs takes away the urge to eat. Not the hunger, that I still feel, but that will be remedied with the cup of tea I have waiting for me in the kitchen.

Back later with my food commitment.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  lentils, cauliflower, parmesan,  peach
• d: chopped salad, meatballs, bleu cheese dressing

I'm really loving my new salad dressing. Mixing vinegar with dijon mustard and shaking it up with nutritional yeast really makes my tablespoon of bleu cheese dressing go a long ways. Tomorrow will be the 3rd dinner salad in a row using that dressing, but keeping it simple with food  you love is just smart!

I do need to cook tomorrow. I'll stop at the store on the way home from dropping Cal off at school; we always need more apples and lettuce, and I want/need to make a batch of meatballs since I put that down for dinner.

I was hungry at lunch, and again after dinner. And I'm still feeling a little empty heading into bedtime! It makes me realize I was indeed eating more extra calories over the past few weeks since getting home from Hawaii than I even realized. Drinking a sleepy time tea, and heading to bed to finish up an audio book as soon as I'm done here is the plan. I can see that R is staying bright too, and even though we aren't saying so to each other, the support is awesome.

I go to bed tonight knowing/hoping that there will be a little less pain tomorrow in my hips and legs. Each bright day will take me closer to moving better, having more energy, and fitting into my clothes better. I can hardly wait, but I will, and be patient about it, because this can only be done one day at a time.

BLE: Day One - ad infinitum

I have a half an hour to kill before dinner. So silly. But that's where I am in my life, still trying to make a positive change in myself. My salad is made, weighed and ready to add  my dressing, just sitting in the fridge staying crisp until feeding time. I swear I feel like a bear,  walking the fence until  a gamekeeper brings in my dinner at the designated time. Heavy, ponderous steps, head swinging side to side, anxiety driving my steps. Ridiculous. But I am the one who brought me to this brink of crazy, and I am the only one who can tame the bear. Change or die, as they say.

It's another Day One. Part of me knows that getting up each morning and eating a bright breakfast is great; not giving up and starting each day with optimism is not a bad trait. But it is not one that has brought me success in achieving a right sized body. It's just a small part of the work it will take to move past this plateau I have been cruising about on for the last year or so.  As part of this work I am using my gratitude journal each morning, and committing my food each evening, taking my supplements and meds every single day and night, and making a point of stopping to breathe and be present at some point each day to ground myself.

So it feels like moving forward, my morning and evening habit stacks gaining in consistency, and I am once again spending more time on support than on farming. Yes, along with millions of others I am fighting addiction on many platforms. It is apparently in our nature to escape this new reality we find ourselves in. I like to imagine I would have flourished in days where it took so much physical effort to  just survive I would never have become addicted to anything, and I guess that is true of many others. Instead we find ourselves in a world of so much convenience there is too much time for those of us born without the gene to self-motivate.

Now that I have thrown a small pity part in the middle of a beautiful Autumn day I will retreat without shame - that never accomplishes anything - to my audio book and try to drag my lazy ass outside for a short walk before dinner.

Tomorrow's food (10oz veg lunch and dinner)

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, banana, green grapes
•  l:  veggie soup, beans & cream cheese, apple
• d: chopped salad, garbanzo beans & pepitas, bleu cheese dressing

There are a week's worth of breakfast choices packaged up in the fridge, and my plans are for simple plant based lunches and dinners, soups and salads, for the next couple of days. Tuesday while Cal is at school I'll do some batch cooking; green chili stew and roasted veggies come to mind. Maybe some meatballs that are loaded with zucchini and onion.

I am armed with my Bright Line Eating plan, journals, and good intentions. I laugh now when I want to type that this time feels different, so I won't bother wasting time on that sentiment. Instead I am focused on just this moment, and not eating until 4. And after that I will focus on cleaning up my room (what, am I 12?) so it's an easy place to work and relax in the coming week. And then after that I will do whatever it takes to stay Bright all night long until breakfast at 8am tomorrow.

Then it will be Day Two. 'Time to Rock and Roll.'

Chaffles and Chaff

Here are the Spanish rice chaffles. How's that for a Bright orange breakfast!

I've been thinking about painting again, and using it to 'journal'. We'll see what the day brings.

Commit today's food because I just never got around to it last night

•  b: spanish rice chaffle, tangelo orange
•  l:  veggie soup, beans & cream cheese, apple
• d: chopped salad, cheese & pepitas, bleu cheese dressing

A hummingbird just flew past my window - slim pickings out there for the busy little bird this morning. Such a life, working so hard to just get enough calories to keep those wings fluttering.  I empathize, it's like my brain fluttering about searching for something to make sense of this world. Both endeavors seem pointless - and there is my depression rearing it's ugly head.

Another day one of BLE, another morning of not giving up. How many years can I keep this up? I am afraid for the rest of my life. Literally a double entendre. 

Brownies and Bed Time

Mostly everything is going well now that Joey's B-Day is behind me for another year. We had gotten into the habit of celebrating with ice cream, just so the day wouldn't go uncelebrated, but there were so many treats in the house it seemed superfluous. I did end up eating brownies from the bakery that R had purchased as a back up in case her German chocolate sandwich cookies failed - they didn't, and were super delicious.  By Sunday I was feeling sick and anxious to be back on Bright Line Eating.

Mostly I'm writing in my paper journal as I'm tired in the evenings and really just want to get off of the computer. That's because I'm farming (online game) too much on and off during the day and then again after work. I'm hoping now that it's almost October the need for diversions will abate and I will be more sane. The house is suffering for it too, as I barely get the minimum laundry and dishes done each week.

Today was more productive, and I made rice chaffles to pack up for future breakfasts. There is a bag in the freezer and several breakfasts worth in the fridge - so easy and delicious. Just Spanish rice, egg, and cheese. Mix and cook off in the waffle maker and done! Two squared popped in the toaster and served up with some salsa is an awesome breakfast.

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: spanish rice chaffle, salsa, banana and green grapes
• l:  celery, apple, onion, cheeze, almond salad w/ bleu cheese dressing
• d: veggie bean soup, cream cheese

R took Cal in for his routine heart check up and it looks like he won't need surgery to fix his PDA. After everything he has been through this is really good news. He is so loving school, waving hi to his new friends and happy to get into class. Each day we stand in line with the others to fill out a form, wait for them to take his temperature and sanitize his hands, and then in he goes with nary a backwards glance. Just like his grandfather and uncle, everyone is a friend he hasn't met yet. 

And I'm calling Bedtime; I so look forward to that first moment each evening when I stretch out on the bed and feel everything get heavy and relaxed. Sigh.

Breathing and Baking

 It's been such a busy day I almost forgot to journal. Not much to report, other than a little voice urging me to have maintenance meals at breakfast and lunch too.  It was warm out, there were the usual school drop offs and pick ups, and I stopped on the way home to pick up more Allegra, a sweater for cool mornings, and Nutella for A. That will be a challenge, but currently I am up for it.

Harder still is R in the kitchen baking birthday desert for her friend's party tomorrow. They have a fun day planned, sailing and then dinner.  So I will have the grands all day. I am so used to her being here, coming out for tea while she is working, and then for lunch. But I am taking the day off tomorrow, and other than a little light cleaning don't plan on doing much.

 It's Joey's birthday tomorrow, he would have been 38 years old and sometimes I wonder what his life would have been like. But I don't dwell on it. Instead today I just breathed in and out, slowly, and remembered his laugh, and happier times. It's always going to be hard, but I keep enough of it locked up so as to keep it from being devastating. And I am glad R will have friends, wind, and sun to keep her occupied. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in having lost a son, that I forget she lost her brother.

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: sprouted grain toast, plant breakfast sausage, banana & kiwi
• l:  veggie omelet, parm cheeze, apple
• d: ribs, corn on the cob, coleslaw &  potato salad

Something I noticed while planning my food this evening, is that I like taking the time to really think about what I want the next day. 

I did a lot of intentional breathing today, and anytime I was tempted - and there was more than usual for some reason - I was quick to remind myself about my "wants."

Mostly I want to do this. I want to be a success story. I want to model healthy eating for my family - and those three things aren't even on my list!

Time for bed, and another Bright night.

BLE: A day in the life

 I've been 'sort of' following BLE for almost two years, and maybe, just maybe, I am finally willing to commit to following the plan. The whole plan, not just the bright lines, because 99% isn't only hard, it's just not working for me. Which isn't surprising, she wrote a plan, she didn't just throw four bright lines out there. This is what my days will look like.

This evening

Commit tomorrow's food

• b: spanish rice & eggs, banana and green grapes
• l:  veggie bean soup, cream cheese, apple
• d: chili verde, 4oz rice, 10oz salad, dressing of sr. cream and tomatillo salsa

Morning habit stack

• write in gratitude journal
• read list of wants (write in notes of gratitude journal each week)
• 10 minute meditation
• take supplements

Meals; 8am, 11am, and 4pm

• Eat only and exactly what I have written down tonight; no substitutions

Nightly habit stack

• journal about the day; what worked, what I feel
• commit food
• take meds

Notes: Susan's vlog today was about curing food addition before trying to lose weight. That for some of us it is almost impossible to stick to our bright lines when caught in the vicious cycle of food addiction.  I have been stuck at about 200 #s for two years after losing 30 #s, and while she was speaking to those who have lost and regained and lost and regained a significant amount of weight while doing Bright Line Eating, I feel that it applies to someone like me who is gaining and losing the same five pounds over and over and over for a long period of time. It seems to me that two years is a significant period of time. So. I decided to add a grain to my dinners, making the last meal of the day about maintenance instead of weight loss. If I am still compelled to eat in the middle of the night, I will also add a protein, but I want to start gradual - it just feels right.

There is a sense of surrender tonight, and not just tonight, I've been feeling this all day. I don't feel manic. Instead I clearly see a part of me has resigned herself to following the plan. She is sad at letting go of her rebellious ways, but it's clear she is tired of the battle, and finally willing to support me in this. She stands in black jeans, white silk tank top, and low slung boots as she stands with feet firmly planted and gazes out over the ocean from atop a bluff. She's very dramatic, running her fingers through hair that is blowing gently away from her face, and her shoulders are relaxed, resigned to giving in to my begging. I feel her removing her attention from her efforts to thwart me, and instead she is focusing far out to sea on something that is currently beyond my ken. She is beautiful, and tonight I am thankful for this vision.

My Want List

• peace of mind around food
• walk without pain
• better blood work
• size 12 jeans

Emergency Action Plan

• stop and breathe, slowly and quietly, to the count of 20
• meditate, do parts work - be curious
• journal by hand, no keyboard, how I am feeling
• call Dee
• message mastermind group

I may have missed something, but you get the gist. Tomorrow evening I will check in here, and hopefully journal about my Bright day and commit to Friday's food.

I am a Bright Liner.

Three months and three inches

 Well, those three months just zipped by in a flash. Actually, they didn't, they passed one at a time. And I regret to say that most of them I struggled in one fashion or another. Never stringing more than a few Bright days together in a row before breaking a line or two or three. Rezooming every morning is just about the one thing I can count on. Each day I am so sure this will be the day, this will be the start of getting free, this will be the day I look back on with gratitude because I actually surrendered.

It's nice to feel that way, the flush of optimism leaving no room for doubt. I just wish it would last past lunch!

I checked my paper journal and my waist is 3"s larger than it was in May. I am not weighing myself, that is something I am working through - getting out from under the pressure of a number, any number. It's ridiculous to be so reactive, for good or bad, instead of just living in the now, and living each day how I intend to continue. So no more scale, and the mental battles are getting easier. I just don't want to know. Well, of course I do want to know, but that's just a small part of me easily dissuaded. And eventually I will get on a scale. At the doctors office for a checkup, or when I fit into some size 12 jeans, I'll know when the time is right.

Dinner was delicious. Yesterday I made Chili Verde in the instant pot. Today I skimmed off the fat from the leftover veggies and remaining liquid and put it back in the pot with a chopped zucchini, a large bag of Mexican blend cauliflower rice, and three hash brown patties. Forty minutes in the instant pot and viola! Delicious ugly soup. I added an ounce of cream cheese for my fat, and 6oz of spicy refried beans for my protein and a few shakes of Tapatio for good measure. Honestly, the potato made the dish, and I enjoyed every bite.

I absolutely need to work on a cook book. I don't want to forget this.

So much has happened since I last posted; our trip to Hawaii, Cal starting Pre-K, Cal not taking naps. Some things remain the same; Alanna holed up in her room, me gaming too much, the kids taking Sparky to the dog park most evenings. Just ordinary stuff.

I will say I miss the warm waters of Hawaii, and the rice I started eating with some meals because we were so active I was hungry all the time. And it's served with everything. Win Win.  I would say that those ten days were the Brightest I've been in a year. It was a great trip, and despite a few hiccups really glad I went.

Getting home was a little depressing; the smoke, the heat, the broken pipe that closed down the pool. We were so used to swimming every day it was hard at first. But now I am feeling lazy and fat and glad of the excuse. Not really, but that is the story I tell myself.

It's been a good couple of days mental health wise. And while I did snack a little today there was no sugar or flour involved. The pain from inflammation is a great motivator to get back on track. It's amazing how fast the body reacts to poison when it's been clean for a while. And luckily I am already feeling some relief as I start to detox again.

My downfall? Crack crackers in the cupboard. I can ignore many things in this house, but apparently Ritz is not one of them. Now I know.

I'm not sure why I needed to vent, but I do need to start journaling again. Not a record, but a reckoning when I am struggling to just get it all out. We'll see how it goes and if I can be constructive instead of whiny.

Aloha!

BLE: Back to paper

I'm waiting for my soup to heat up on the stove. I added Soyrizo to my veggie stoup and want it to actually cook into the soup so I'm not just shoving it in the microwave to re-heat as I might usually do. I've really been loving having a big bowl of veggie soup for dinners this past week; so easy and full of flavour with all of the power greens I added when making it. Plus I've been using the Chinese hot pepper oil left over from take out to add some heat and count as my fat; so delicious.

I've just packed up the Farrow I cooked earlier today, and the beans are in their natural release stage in the instant pot. They will become refried beans leer this evening, I just need to find a new audio book to listen to while I stand and stir them, waiting for the perfect consistency. Then tomorrow it will be Farro and beans w\salsa for breakfast. YUM. There is a poblano pepper, diced tomatoes, and the last third of the carton of baby power greens cooking in with the beans so they will be rich and delicious. It's a point of pride that I can make better refried beans than come from the local taquerias. Not to say that a fatty serving of those beans is not wonderful sometimes! But for the most part I prefer knowing how nutrient dense mine are, as well as creamy and spicy and wonderful.

Speaking of food (when am I not?) committing my food here just isn't working. I'm tired at night, and just want to be off the keyboard. So I will start using my paper journal to commit my food for Bright Line Eating. I'm sure I will still post food sometimes, but this will be the last daily accounting of food for a while.

Today's food:

• b)  toast, sliced deli ham, banana, strawberries & blueberries
• l)   leftover Chinese veggies, leftover ribs, apple
• d)  minestrone style veggie stoup, soyrizo, red chili oil

The family has an appointment at the zoo tomorrow. I wish I had more confidence in my stamina and walking, that is someplace I would actually like to go.

Time for soup!

BLE: Count Down to Hawaii; week 5/14

Up half a pound in my quest to be smaller for our trip to the big island. In my defense I weighed in an hour early, before my morning constitutional. That on top of having a heavier than usual dinner consisting of a Habit cheese burger (protein style) and sweet potato fries. It was rich, delicious, and filling. And really too heavy of a meal. On top of that I am having to clear my throat this morning, phlegm a sure sign of inflammation from the cheese (and meat?).

Not an auspicious beginning to committing my food either; I finished work after 9pm last night and never gave a thought to writing down my food for today. This morning I have already been to the grocery store - where there were shoppers without masks, very unnerving - and have supplies for food prep today and tomorrow. I need to get back to the days of having meals packed and ready in the fridge, making it easy to commit food.

Today's food:

• b)  toast, PB & flaxmeal, sliced banana, strawberries & blueberries
• l)   leftover Chinese supplemented with cashews, apple
• d)  minestrone style veggie stoup, leftover meatloaf, red chili oil

Leftovers are easy. Today I will be making batches of refried beans and Spanish farrow  for breakfasts. Tomorrow I will prep Chick pea salad for lunches, and more spaghetti stoup for dinners, with Soyrizo this time to keep it vegetarian.

'It's another hot one today', hitting 103 this afternoon. So I am off to drench the garden and fill up the water basins. It's fun to sit eating breakfast, and look up to see a tail peeking out while a furry friend gets a sip.

Small joys rule.

This morning I am heavier than when we started over a month ago. Go Me.

SW: 202.1

CW: 202.2

BLE: Committing my food

Susan's vlog this week explains why I will try to start committing my food here in the evenings for the next day. I just need to fit it into my evening habit stack, and sign on here as soon as I finish work each night. Normally I do have an idea of what I will eat the next day when prepping dinner and seeing what is left in the fridge, but after listening to the science I can see how changing my mind at lunch so often is not a good thing.

Time to start tightening up the plan, and following along more closely.

Today's food:

• b)  toast, PB & flaxmeal, sliced banana
• l)   leftover Chinese (cabbage, 'shrooms, twice cooked pork - not breaded) apple
• d)  minestrone style veggie stoup, leftover meatloaf, red chili oil

Tomorrow's food:

• b)  toast, scrambled eggs w\ mustard, grapes
• l)   leftover kung pao chicken, cauliflower & onion 'rice', apple
• d)  minestrone style veggie stoup, leftover meatloaf, red chili oil

I have enough soup left for another dinner - it's really delicious and leftovers are so easy - but I need to spend some time tomorrow prepping for lunches so I am prepared for a few more days. I picked up some red pepper hummus last Sunday, but it's just too garlicy for me to enjoy. I guess I need to make some myself so I can control the seasoning. Is it still called hummus if there is no garlic involved??? Instead I think just making batches of chick pea salad with lots of celery and green onion will be the ticket; it's going to be so hot (107 tomorrow) and that's a nice cool meal that takes a while to eat.

I will be Bright tonight, and tomorrow night. I need to see a loss Friday morning. I need to start reminding myself daily that I will be wearing a bathing suit in August.

BLE: Changing it up just a little

After thinking about how I first lost weight using Bright Line Eating, I decided to add back in a couple of 'maintenance' meals each week as I did then. This is also after hearing from G in my master mind group how well she is feeling eating on maintenance. There is more to it than that, she also doesn't eat fat (except a few nuts each week) and replaces some protein with veggies. But back to me. I have a lot of muscle mass, I have always been 'big muscled'. Hiking up the third steepest street in LA during my school years really defined my calf muscles, and sailing during those summers defined my biceps (guns) and core. But of course there was my inherited body shape to begin with, they way I grew up just enhanced what I was born with.

I remember attempting to get in shape for the surf camp we went to back when I was 50, and they had a chiropractor come in to measure lean body mass. Mine was so much higher than the others, 125# out of my total weight, and I think that plays a contributing factor in how I lose (or don't lose) weight. Maybe I'm just too hungry and in the middle of the night a part of me jumps out to say, 'hey, feed me!'

Let me jump in here to say I have four Bright days and nights in a row now - that was not a prequel to a confession of night eating.

Anyway, back to my point. This morning I had two pieces of flourless toast instead of one - making it a maintenance meal instead of a weigh-loss meal. This is fine, as lunch and dinner will both fall into the latter category. And it acts as sort of a mental pressure valve, eating a little bit more, so that deprivation has no foothold on my emotions. I won't do this every day, but wanting breakfast to feel a little more special on Sunday mornings is the perfect time for a tiny indulgence. 

I've never been an all or nothing sort of girl. I'm a 'moderator', the one who takes an hour to slowly creep her way into the cold water instead of diving off the end of the dock. It's just the way I am, and have been my whole life. No shame in that, I am perfect just the way I am. Wow, that brought up a memory of my paternal grandmother telling me exactly that - except her version was that God created me perfect just the way I was. Turns out she was pretty smart.

Today's food:

• b)  toast, PB, sliced banana
• l)   chopped salad w\ garbanzo beans
• d)  spaghetti soup, or minestrone with marinara instead of tomatoes, kidney beans

Time to put some oomph into this lazy morning and take a shower now that I am fueled up.

 

BLE: Count Down to Hawaii; week 4/14

Up point 7, less than a pound, at the weekly weigh-in. Given how many bites off plan I had been over the course of the week, and even one splurge from the bakery, I was grateful it hadn't been more. The coughing continues, followed closely on it's heels by depression, but I have tools to fight with, and most of the time I win my little battles. Something clicked last Wednesday and I have been Bright, day and night, since then. Having two Bright nights under my belt at the weigh-in probably saved me from an encounter with despair, so I am thankful for the timing.

Or course I had to sit down with my paper journal and do the math; how many weeks until we leave, what I might expect to lose by then if I were to stay bright, how I will feel about myself if I don't. On and on, you know. All told, I am down about half a pound since the start, so still in maintenance as has been the case since about February of 2020. I am hoping that this current calm and acceptance continues long enough to see some real progress. Because the BLE saying is true, that while 100% is easy, 99% is really hard.

After my video Dr. appt. I have upped my inhaler dose, and after three nights sleeping with a warm mist humidifier the coughing has abated somewhat today. Thank heavens, because I was getting closer to crazy than I like to venture. The Doc also ordered the cough meds I requested, but they had to be ordered and won't be in at the pharmacy until Monday or Tuesday. Sometimes I feel that all of my energy is going towards not coughing, and I hate how unfair it is to Cal. My goal has been to rest which shortens our walks, and has completely cast out our little games of 'go tag'. I feel for him, and I know this will pass, so after three solid weeks of this crap I am giving myself a break and not fretting about the exhaustion. And I'm using my IFS tools to keep the panicky parts of myself at bay.

Today's food:

• b)  cheese & triscuits, banana & grapes (first cheese in a week)
• l)   red pepper hummus, yellow squash, mixed nuts, strawberries & grapes
• d)  cauliflower rice w/ onions & nutritional yeast, black beans, salsa, corn

Dinner was too heavy with a full serving of beans and corn. I put the leftovers away to use or throw away tomorrow. I have a new bag of Nutritional yeast to try, and I'm looking forward to playing around with it. Guess I'll need to pick up some raw cashews.

Having forgotten to publish this Friday, I am doing so now.

Sitting in a warm steamy room is not conducive to staying upright and typing. I feel a Saturday afternoon nap coming on, the pull from the bed suddenly irresistible. Sometimes it's not such a bad thing to live in very close quarters; it's literally one step from my desk chair to a nap.

• SW: 202.1
• CW: 201.7

BLE: Count Down to Hawaii; week 3/14

I weighed exactly the same this morning as last Friday. R pointed out that the large cup of tea I drank to soothe my cough while waiting for her to get up and weigh accounted for at least half a pound. I had expected to lose more, but I feel like I lost and that is the important part. Well, aside from the challenges of watching my breasts flatten out as I lose weight there. Maybe by the time I need it, the plastic surgery won't be so expensive. Ha.

Today's food:

• b)  toast, PB, flaxmeal, banana
• l)   stew with lots of carrots, power greens, and onions (no potatoes), oranges
• d)  chopped salad, garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds

Still coughing, and Kaiser denied me the cough medicine I requested. Despite my long history of coughing, and never abusing a prescription, instead they made an appt for me on 6/11 to assess the situation. I have spent way too much energy being thoroughly pissed to vent anymore here. So it was another night with much broken sleep, too many sugar free cough drops, and so of course I am a little more tired than usual.

Which is why I made myself a cup of decaf this morning. Maybe the living room will get vacuumed today.

• SW: 202.1
• CW: 200.9

BLE: Coughing but Bright

I am feeling the stress of being over-medicated, which reminds me I haven't taken my evening dose of Delsym, explaining the increased coughing over the past hour or so. It's just all too much; the allergy meds, the inhalers, the cough syrup, the constant flow of sugar-free cough drops that leave my mouth wrinkled and unhappy. Tea all day long to soothe my throat and stay hydrated so my cough doesn't turn into a bark. 

Today's Food:

• b)  Triscuits, PB, banana
• l)   green salad, garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds, oil & vinegar dressing
• d)  kabobs; steak, shrooms, pineapple, tomato, green pepper & onion, potato salad

Dinner was good, the grilled veggies a nice treat. I prepped everything and M BBQ'd while I ran to the store to get Spaghetti O's for Cal. His latest favorite. I was sitting in the car going through the usual post-shopping ritual of de-masking and sanitizing my hands when I start coughing, and realized I hadn't coughed much at all in the store. Experimenting, I put the mask back on and sure enough barely coughed on the way home. It reminds me of how I used to pull the front of my shirt up over my nose and mouth while sitting and working. I don't know if it's the warmer, more humid air, or if the material is blocking allergens. Whatever, I will be wearing a mask more often while I wait for this cough to settle down.  The Dr. I spoke with mentioned in passing that it's a 'reactive airway disease'. If  you want to go down a rabbit hole, use Google. Long story short, this may calm down in a week, and it may become bronchitis and last up to eight. I can't think about it.

There was more play time in the kiddie-pool this afternoon, he really is a little water bug and we let him stay in the water until he is thoroughly chilled and ready to go inside.

Tomorrow we will make Minestrone soup for dinner, one of A's recipes that we know we all like. But we will be including ground sausage, so it will be a one bowl dinner instead of being weighed out. There will be lots of spinach, zucchini, tomatoes and carrots so I am not worried about the veggies. And we have some red lentil noodles to use in the soup too.

Speaking of zucchini, we have our first one growing in the back yard, and two of the tomato plants are covered in dozens of cherry tomatoes. So exciting! I just need to keep watering through this little heat spell we are having. It should be back down into the 80's next week, thank heavens.

Coughing and more coughing. Ugh.

It will probably hit 100 degrees out today, and we are spending a calm day inside after taking care of the morning chores outside. That just means the garden has been watered, as well as any flowers and the ceramic water basins for birds and squirrels; the dog messes have been cleaned up, and peanuts put out - again, for our wildlife family. R did blow off the patio, and Cal chalked over our names while we were out there, so there was a little fun.

Today's Food:

• b)  rice, salsa, refried beans, banana
• l)   left over BLE compliant pizza, half a huge apple
• d)  tri-tip, corn, mushrooms, salad

I finally caved and have a phone appt. with Kaiser in about an hour.  I'm taking too much medication for not much relief from the coughing; a Zyrtec at night and Flonase in the morning. Maybe my asthma has also kicked in. I just wish I had more faith in the medical community. For my own part, the pizza I ordered last night was a cauliflower crust - so there was some cheese and egg in it - but no additional cheese or meat on top, just veggies. I am more determined than ever to stay dairy and meat free this coming week, and I am even contemplating fasting to get rid of this cough.

In the meantime, they will likely write a script for an inhaler, and so desperate I am for relief from the coughing I will use it.

Another challenge is that disgusting though it may be, I don't cough while eating. I'll pick up some gum to chew when I get the prescription filled, because lord knows the last thing I want to do is eat all day - as I once did during these frustrating episodes. Just snacking all day long to keep the coughing at bay. Gross.

Time for more tea or water. And a better attitude!