Well, those three months just zipped by in a flash. Actually, they didn't, they passed one at a time. And I regret to say that most of them I struggled in one fashion or another. Never stringing more than a few Bright days together in a row before breaking a line or two or three. Rezooming every morning is just about the one thing I can count on. Each day I am so sure this will be the day, this will be the start of getting free, this will be the day I look back on with gratitude because I actually surrendered.
It's nice to feel that way, the flush of optimism leaving no room for doubt. I just wish it would last past lunch!
I checked my paper journal and my waist is 3"s larger than it was in May. I am not weighing myself, that is something I am working through - getting out from under the pressure of a number, any number. It's ridiculous to be so reactive, for good or bad, instead of just living in the now, and living each day how I intend to continue. So no more scale, and the mental battles are getting easier. I just don't want to know. Well, of course I do want to know, but that's just a small part of me easily dissuaded. And eventually I will get on a scale. At the doctors office for a checkup, or when I fit into some size 12 jeans, I'll know when the time is right.
Dinner was delicious. Yesterday I made Chili Verde in the instant pot. Today I skimmed off the fat from the leftover veggies and remaining liquid and put it back in the pot with a chopped zucchini, a large bag of Mexican blend cauliflower rice, and three hash brown patties. Forty minutes in the instant pot and viola! Delicious ugly soup. I added an ounce of cream cheese for my fat, and 6oz of spicy refried beans for my protein and a few shakes of Tapatio for good measure. Honestly, the potato made the dish, and I enjoyed every bite.
I absolutely need to work on a cook book. I don't want to forget this.
So much has happened since I last posted; our trip to Hawaii, Cal starting Pre-K, Cal not taking naps. Some things remain the same; Alanna holed up in her room, me gaming too much, the kids taking Sparky to the dog park most evenings. Just ordinary stuff.
I will say I miss the warm waters of Hawaii, and the rice I started eating with some meals because we were so active I was hungry all the time. And it's served with everything. Win Win. I would say that those ten days were the Brightest I've been in a year. It was a great trip, and despite a few hiccups really glad I went.
Getting home was a little depressing; the smoke, the heat, the broken pipe that closed down the pool. We were so used to swimming every day it was hard at first. But now I am feeling lazy and fat and glad of the excuse. Not really, but that is the story I tell myself.
It's been a good couple of days mental health wise. And while I did snack a little today there was no sugar or flour involved. The pain from inflammation is a great motivator to get back on track. It's amazing how fast the body reacts to poison when it's been clean for a while. And luckily I am already feeling some relief as I start to detox again.
My downfall? Crack crackers in the cupboard. I can ignore many things in this house, but apparently Ritz is not one of them. Now I know.
I'm not sure why I needed to vent, but I do need to start journaling again. Not a record, but a reckoning when I am struggling to just get it all out. We'll see how it goes and if I can be constructive instead of whiny.
Aloha!
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