I struggled this week (obviously) and it wasn't until I was sitting in the waiting room at Kaiser after my first shot of the Covid vaccine that I realized how much I had been stressing about it. It took about five minutes of self monitoring afterwards to realize that one, I wasn't experiencing any of the adverse reactions that were listed in rotation on the big bright monitors in the observation room, and two, that my shoulders had relaxed from a constant state of stress.
Sitting here this morning, feeling fine with a slightly sore arm at the injection site just like any flu shot, I am ready and willing to blame my rough week on stress. I can feel the difference in my demeanor and physical well being from before and after the shot. And there had been no mental stress; I was ready and willing to have the vaccine with no worries about how safe it was or wasn't. I do, after all, still take Immune every day as I have for...18 years now?... and know my immune system is ready to meet any challenge.
But apparently I was stressed, and the cortisol was showing up in my lowered resistance to the drug of my choice - food. I know now from learning about how the brain works that my body was searching for endorphins to counter the cortisol - the 'oblivion that masks pain'. How do I know? Because the drive to eat disappeared once I knew I was good to go after the vaccine. No chatter about stopping to eat on the way home, no desire to drive through for a little 'something something'.
This is all assumption based on the difference between how I was feeling all week and how I feel now; as I have often complained, there is no control group for a life. It will be a great disappointment if there is never a time I get to sit in review of my life and say, "Hey look, I got that one right!" Or, "Wow, I really shouldn't have done that, I need to remember this for next time!" Enough philosophy. Bottom line, I wasn't tempted this morning to 'clean up' after Cal by finishing a snack, and I am glad to have had a Bright night to start the day. To start this day, this gloriously sunny, full of possibilities day. Okay, now I'm sounding manic, ugh.
I emailed in my vacation request to the night job, have my flight plans for Hawaii, and think that maybe I am back on board whole heartedly with my commitment to staying Bright. I know more than some, and as good as many, that this may be a fleeting feeling. At any moment things can turn on a dime, but for now I feel calm, and centered, and ready to move forward.
Someday I will feel this way all the time. Or at least most of the time. That is my hope and my dream, to quote a million others with grand expectations.
No comments:
Post a Comment