BLF: The angry part

Yesterday, and actually all week, I was struggling again with thoughts of food. But yesterday I got mad about it, first mad at the part of me that couldn't stop thinking about food, and then at the food that brought me to this place I am at in my life. Bright Line Eating has brought me to a place where I need to accept that I am a food addict, and that every time I put sugar or flour in my mouth it's just extending the time it will take to heal from that addiction. Drug addicts who enjoy recovery do not partake sparingly of their drug of choice. And neither can I. 

So my parts work this week has been about working with that part (or parts) who generate so much anger. I have never considered myself to be an angry person, have in fact taken a little bit of pride on being a calm and patient person. A mediator, and one who practices the Pollyanna game of trying to find the good in everything and everyone. Not that I always succeed, and not usually with myself. Which is why the lesson of self compassion has been so important in my parts work. 'All parts are welcome.' So working to accept and understand the part of me that is so angry has been and continues to be a challenge.

I did finally reach a place of calm yesterday, redirecting the anger I was feeling away from myself and towards the food that has been poison to me for so long. I mean really, why would I plan to go eat something that has been nothing but a detriment to my physical and mental health for the past forty years or so. Well, not nothing, I think there must have been pleasure involved, but it was never anything but a feeling so fleeting as to barely register any satisfaction at all. Which is part of the addiction, never feeling satisfied and always wanting or needing more. And that's the curse, the never ending need and the chatter that revolves around it.

I am focused this coming week on engaging with that chatter, and using G's approach from our master mind group this morning by saying to that angry part, "tell me more about that", and remembering to breath, and accept, this part of myself.

Early this morning I loaded up my grocery cart with mostly fruits and vegetables, and resisted the urge to bring anything I wouldn't eat myself home to the grandkids. Cal asks for chocolate cake daily, and it's hard to not indulge him when you see those are the only calories he might eat all day. Chemo and chocolate do make good bed fellows I guess, nausea and the endorphins to make one feel better. Thank heavens treatment is coming to an end this Summer.

I've roasted off a couple of trays of veggies, to use for prepping lunches and dinners. I have a pot of ground beef, onions, and tomatoes simmering, part of it to make a ziti bake for the kids and their dad, and part of it to serve over zoodles for me and R. For the rest of the week I have lentils in the freezer ready to make stoups for lunches, and there is lots of fresh veg for big dinner salads. Left over homemade refried beans and farrow will be breakfast with some salsa and cheese thrown in. And there is a big basket of Sugar Bee apples, crunchy and sweet, begging to be eaten.

Time to head out for some sun. I've already watered the tomatoes, peppers, and peas, and I think it's time for a walk on the 'used to be golf course' with my audio book.