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Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape 7&8/20 or 48 & 49/100

It's hard to find myself sitting here in a self imposed confession booth, but there's no way around it - the last week has been really ...challenging...and if I don't get it out I'm afraid the feelings will fester and I won't be able to turn things around. Having said that, I had to step away and go weigh myself so I have all the facts to lay down on the table, show all my cards as it were.

I have been watching my daughter go through some of the same things I had to back in the day - hard days I lived through making the best decisions I could at the time; before I asked her father to leave, and now he's dead; before I tried helping her brother Joey, and now he's dead. So how can she not help but see how I tried and failed to help the people, the addicts, that I - we- love, and then not be distraught over what to do herself in a similar situation with M. Tough Love has not worked so well in our little family, so what to do, what to do. Keep loving and trying and hoping and praying and holding fast to sanity. I hate that she is having to live through this, and can't help but feel I am in part to blame. And the grief at my past failures that I had so carefully tucked away rears it's ugly head.

And here I am playing the 'D' card again - oh look how hard life is and therefore I eat! That is my addiction, my drug of choice, my personal struggle. How can I be so angry at someone else for not controlling their urges when I can't control my own. It's a vicious negative cycle that I know all too well. A cycle that I dread, that I have let myself be swept back into like a wind tunnel sucking me down onto my own personal mysterious island of torment. (totally stole that, we were watching the 2nd journey movie last night, but the visual is accurate!)

Anyway, I have been on plan half heartedly this past week, trying but not succeeding to stay away from my 'drug' while dealing with strong emotions and memories, trying to support my daughter emotionally, working on getting my taxes done in the evenings, and trying to help with A who needs us all and is watching us all drift away. ("One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode!" Ron Weasley) Too tired and distraught to play with her, she is not getting her usual allotment of attention and the guilt is laying heavy across my shoulders. That is the first thing to change. Tonight I will be patient and when she asks to play I will say yes no matter how I feel or what has happened during the day. She deserves the best, to grow up confident and cherished; she is our light.

I have been using the CBS products, but the last two days I have also driven through to get fast food on the way home from work and scooped up numerous servings of apple pie - hence my forgetfulness at blogging - no one likes to record a failure...well maybe Edison or others of brilliance who see those as blips on the path of progress. But it was not intentional and I am surprised to see that two days have gone by without a single word from my proliferous fingers. Which brings to mind poison ivy and green stalks protruding from the ends of my fingers...god at least let there be flowers involved, and not just thorns. Not just numerous servings from an 11" apple crumble pie that made it's way onto the kitchen counter last weekend.

How my mind is wandering this morning! So back to the scale - up three pounds. My Bad. I cannot change that, but I can decide to knock it off. Sitting after work doing my taxes is probably my worst offence, movement is key! If you're not moving, you're not forcing your body to burn energy, and in the end it's always about calories in and calories out. A sedentary lifestyle is the real killer here - but it's habit and bad genes that make me a recluse, that compel me to turn in on myself and huddle when stressed. How i wish I were one of those waifs who 'can't eat' they are so stricken with...whatever.

H reminded me last night in a message that if I just keep a good attitude everything will work out fine. Which reminded me of this passage from Shakespeare in Love, a favorite movie of mine. Remember, Theatre Business = Life.

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.
Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?
Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.
Philip Henslowe: I don't know. It's a mystery.

So there I have it, it will turn out well. And in the meantime I need to get off my a$$ and move and fight my way past each exit on the way home as I use to do. I need my muchness, my vorpal sword so to say; I need to be Alice for a few days until I am back on track! Which inspires me to leave with this quote from the latest Alice in Wonderland movie, it fits my decidedly unprosaic mood perfectly this morning.

6. The Mad Hatter: 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.
Alice Kingsley: Sorry, what was that?
The Mad Hatter: What was what?
[continues walking]
The Mad Hatter: The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, Jaws that bait and claws that catch, Beware the Jabberwock, my son, The frumious Bandersnatch He took his vorpal sword in hand The vorpal blade went snicker-snack He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back. Its all about you, you know
Alice Kingsley: I'm not slaying anything. I don't slay, so put it out of your mind
The Mad Hatter: ...Mind?
[Hatter stops, puts Alice down on a log, and continues walking]
Alice Kingsley: Wait! You Cant leave me here!
The Mad Hatter: You don't slay? Do you have any idea what the Red Queen has done? You don't slay.
Alice Kingsley: I couldn't if i wanted to.
The Mad Hatter: You're not the same as you were before You were much more..."muchier" You've lost your "muchness"
Alice Kingsley: My "muchness"?
The Mad Hatter: [Points to Alice's heart] In there. 

Today I will find my muchness and slay my jabberwock. Off to the showers!

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