A bend in the road

As usual of a weekend, I am planning my Bright Line meals for the week ahead. I placed a grocery order for delivery tomorrow morning, and will cook and prep for all of my meals for the week. This week more than others it's especially important, because Tuesday is my last full time day at the accounting department I have been part of for the past eight years. Instead I will be staying at home caring for my grandchildren, then working part time at accounting four hours each night. It's a crazy schedule, working 8am - 9pm, but it's only for a month or two while they shift workloads at the office. Then I will cut back to something more manageable, because I doubt 13 hour work days will be sustainable for me, even if do I get to sit down for the last four of them.

My dinners next week will be a couple of vegetable recipes from the BLE cookbook, some meatballs using another BLE recipe, and some sun-dried chicken sausages. I'm going back to cheese and triscuits for breakfast to cut back on the cooking I need to do tomorrow, plus it's a favorite breakfast.  I have cut way back on cheese, and I may have noticed a slight decrease in pain, but nothing measurable. Maybe I'll try again this Summer. I've already cut out cream from my decaf coffee, and the plan is cheese only once a day for now.

My black bean soup last week was delicious, and I still have a container (4 servings) in the freezer I can pull out for lunches. Later this evening I'll do some salad prep; we need to use up some purple cabbage before the Imperfect Produce delivery next week. Slicing that up thinly may be a task better relegated to the food processor so I think a trip to the kitchen section of the garage will be in order. I'll add some to a base of Romaine, carrots, and green onions for my lunches all week.

Speaking of purple, I think we are making the purple potatoes we received last week into potato salad tomorrow. This means skipping my grain at breakfast and having it at lunch, but I'm cool with those kinds of adjustments. Because I am committing to eating bright line meals for the week, instead of specific foods for only the next day, there will be no chatter around the change. Sausages and potato salad on Memorial Day, a beautiful bright line plan. There will roasted veggies from my cooking tomorrow to round out the meal (lunch) then an everyday BLE dinner.

I rode my bike this morning, taking a turn down to the pond after R&M returned from their ride. OMG, it's only about a mile and I was aching to be home. Well, my thighs and buttocks were anyway. But I made it, and I will keep doing this until I can ride five miles at a time as I once did. It did feel good to have my face in the wind! And it was a chance to listen to more of my audio book, which I haven't done much of now that I am not commuting.

So lots of positive thoughts about this coming change, and a determination to do right by the grandkids and myself all at the same time.

#wholebodybarefoot

Katy Says that April is National Foot Health Awareness Month. The link will take you to a calendar of events that I will be following closely. Not only is Katy fun to listen to, but full of the biomechanic data we need to work towards better movement and less pain in our lives. I highly recommend going back and listening to her podcast series with Dani Hemmat; education, practical applications and laughter all in one engaging package of two friends chatting it up.

Food and exercise to the rescue!

The day improves.

Specifically corn pancakes at Denica's where they were having a fund raiser for A's school. Delicious. Upon arriving home and taking a quick assessment of the work to do in the back yard I decided a trip to buy flowers was in order first- incentive, or a bribe - so that there was something to look forward to after the cleaning up of the cement patio. And a tomatoe plant too was in the basket to come home, no apologies for the 'e'.

After an hour I am exhausted and instead of pushing through I am allowing myself a break to cool down and hydrate before going back out to work. I'm in the worst shape of my life and don't want to collapse doing yard work! But my mental health has recovered it's Pollyanna demeanor; it's too bad we can't remember the hill to come while wallowing in the depths, that would be ever so helpful.

To water, to put my feet up, and then back to work.

Final update: that was the pattern all day, work, hydrate and a brief rest - then repeat. A long productive day at last! R and I made a huge dent in the back yard, and are both sore and weary tonight. Most of the new flowers are freshly potted, there is a  junk pile ready for the dump, and things are looking up. A vast improvement. Hopefully tomorrow I can get out there after work each day and keep up the momentum.

Side note: the orange tree is thick with fragrant, white, waxy flowers and a'buzzing with bees. Wonderful but scary, we steered clear.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 3/30 or 74/100 or 1/1

What a good day yesterday was - well, up to a point. I could have done without the part where I tripped over a puggle, wrenching hip and shoulder and landing on the tripod of elbows and nose - which went 'crunch' but isn't broken; no black eyes and just a little swelling this morning.

The day began with a walk to the dog park with the pack, and once there we met a very nice man and his two min-pins. Back at home Brunch was a yummy Shape shake, followed by housekeeping and then a walk to the pool and swimming. I baked some gluten\dairy free brownies to take to Bunco (yum), and did the quick fix on the front. (I love having the pots of flowers out there, it's so cheery now.) Right up until I did the canine trip I was enjoying being on my feet all day. This happened just before friends were due to arrive to  go with us to play Bunco so I took a pain pill, chugged a beer, and put a bag of frozen strawberries on my nose and my flat ice pack under my hip. It was rather pathetic limping around all night (in Bunco you rotate tables; it's very social) but at least I wasn't suffering the aches and pains of this  morning. This is the first opportunity I have had to wish I hadn't turned down the heat on the hot tub for the summer. This morning I feel my age; this morning it feels good to sit!

Despite the fall, last night was a lot of fun. Friends came that I hadn't seen in too long, and it was good to have a girls night out. There was a minor interruption in the gayety just as we were getting ready to leave for the party; I discovered some missing silver, and my heart broke a little bit. Cycling first through disbelief and anger and ending up at disappointment I was quick to realize they are just things. That being said I'm not sure there is a way back from this; my capacity for love has been diminished just a little bit, and M will have to move mountains to regain that fraction of my heart. As if he cares -I could weep with frustration were I not so exhausted from it all. But I digress into personal forbidden territory and must leave it at that.

I don't believe I will brave the walk to the pool today, but I might drive down and see if being in the water helps my hip. Assuming I finish my taxes as I must. I hate the procrastination that seems to be my nature. Maybe that's where all my problems stem from - the anger I hold for my shortcomings manifesting as depression. Have I just held myself to a standard too high my whole life? Is that even possible? Shouldn't we always strive for the best we can be? This is the sort of conversation I would love to have over a drink with someone else interested in figuring these types of things out. I miss having such a person in my life.

Before I dip a single toe in the pity pool I will go make tea, enjoy the coolness of the morning, and organize my desk to get started on the taxes. I will not let the small inconveniences of yesterday wreck today; I love that each morning is a new beginning.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 28/30 or 69/100 or 1/1

On the positive side, I am balancing the pieces of chocolate cake each day with lots of raw veggies. And another hour plus in the pool after work today with A, who keeps me moving moving moving. She's a pistol. And I walked to the store at lunch today for a can of nuts to keep at the office - I have a plastic cup to measure out my 1/4 cup serving for an afternoon snack. Amazing reading the ingredients, I ended up with a can of mixed nuts whose only ingredients were nuts, oil and salt. All of the other choices had 'natural flavoring' (often glutamates), sugar, corn syrup, etc. For heavens sake already!

But I did make it through the day without fast food, so that is a step in the right direction. I took my bowl of veggies to work, and my blueberry-spinach Shape shake to drink on the drive home. I was fine until I walked in the front door and that damn cake was still sitting on the kitchen counter, high on a glass pedestal calling my name.

Long day, I'm worn out - time to vote for my favorite dancers and hit the sheets.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 25/30 or 66/100 or 1/1

I'm not sure what happened yesterday - moving on! Goodbye Friday, Hello Saturday.

This is the picture I just posted to the CBS group on facebook this morning. To get some perspective back into my eating habits I piled them all up in a bowl so there is no thinking involved. If it's in the bowl I will eat it. Easy.

Today I have a massage appointment at 11:30. I am so looking forward to it; it's been about two months since I took a break from my schedule of going every other week and I can feel the tightness building in my neck, back and shoulders. I'm going to leave early to see if the nearby Zumba studio is still operational, and if so what their hours are for classes. It is within a bikes ride from the house and I would love to go a couple of times a week after work to unwind and keep the body moving. It always comes back to the fact that I can't seem to look elsewhere than food for stress relief. I know what I could be doing, but can't seem to take steps down that path. But Zumba sounds fun, so I am hoping. It's much cooler today, but we will still make it down to the pool later this afternoon to swim. 

In the meantime it's a lovely cool morning, the birds are chirping away, and I've cleaned all the chlorine out of my hair. The dish and clothes washers are both rumbling away, and it's time to make some more headway on this room.  Who can achieve a most excellent mood while surrounded by stuff!

I want everything clean; mind, body & bedroom. Clear the clutter and everything else will follow! I'm so full of hope this morning, I wonder where it was yesterday - it just sort of dissipated once I reached work. I need to reclaim the part of me that can sluff off the negative energy of others, and just look into myself and draw on the calm and joy that I know live there always, no matter how small a spark it might seem some days.

Off to grab my first bottle of water, plug in the latest Nevada Barr book, and get busy!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 21/30 or 62/100 or 1/1

The only thing missing yesterday was the exercise. By the time A reminded us we hadn't gone to the pool it was almost bedtime. She is a gaming gal and we had spent our time on Rummikub, or a version of it that a four and a half year old can play; we will make a point to head down to the pool after work today. Being in the middle of a heat wave should be enough incentive!

H joined the gym yesterday, and I googled for what was available in Livermore for evening exercise for my part of getting in shape (I want to try shooting the Pac Coast tournament in September.) I think Zumba sounds the most fun, and I will stop by the closest location after work tomorrow to see if they are still open. It would be good for the house dynamics for me to have somewhere to go a couple of evenings each week. My poor daughter, I am having a hard time reigning in my words of late, and A is hers to raise, not mine! "I promise to do a better job of biting my tongue."

It's too early to think about getting ready for work, or banging about the house making noise. I did put the air on when I awoke, and perhaps I should lay back down and try to catch a few more zzzzz's - otherwise it's going to be one long ass day.

Update:
So a long day it is. Tossing and turning in a semi stuffy room sent my mind streaming into the back yard and after a few minutes of that I was up, in my crocks and out back watering. And picking up dog messes. And turning down the hot tub to pool temperature. And hosing off the patio. And watering out front too! Showered and ready to hit the kitchen I've already put in over an hour's worth of steps and feel ready to start the day. It will be nice to come home having those chores already taken care of, smoothing our way to a clear conscious while pool bound. Go Me!

I think I'll go cut up some zucchini to snack on for the ride home. And pack an apple. And blend up another blueberry Shape shake for lunch.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 14/30 or 55/100

Good heavens, where have the last three days gone! Sucked up into a vortex of words is where; I've been playing Words of Wonder, passing level after mindless level, and I've just realized it's to disappear.  It's hard to accept I have fallen back into depressive habits, but recognizing it is half the battle to crawling back out of the trenches and away from the blasted computer.

Beginning tomorrow I will add flax meal back into  my daily regimen, either on my morning fruit or in my smoothie at lunch - my brain needs the additional omega 3's! I will also stop the morning decaf - as much as I crave the comfort of it to get through the morning's commute, it is definitely disrupting my sleep.  There is stress at both work and home right now, so I have booked myself a little vacation time. First with H this Saturday and then at the massage parlour Saturday next. That should help somewhat, and give me something (or things) positive to focus on.

On the bright side Kaylee, A and I took a walk down to the pond and back today after work; it felt good to be back in my monkey shoes and it wasn't until just now that I realized I made it the entire way without the pain in my chest making an appearance. Admittedly I was walking slow given the short-legged company, but so had I been all the other various times I have tried walking in the past year.  I think being lighter has made a difference! How's that for incentive to get back on plan 100%!

I have been using the CBS products, but everyday there is also something added in extra that I shouldn't have - left over chinese, vegan spaghetti made with quinoa and corn noodles, blue cheese dressing, a fast food bean burrito (or two) - and tonight's dessert, chocolate coconut milk ice cream! Just a very small helping, not the half pint that it would have been were H and I sharing a carton. But really - so many refined foods are definitely not part of the program. For shame, I seem to have gone a little nuts for all my battling. Once again I have turned to food for release from the constant worry and stress with which I find myself imbued. Oh, and a glass of red each night to 'turn off my worry button' as H puts it.

I need an outside project to pour my energies into - I have discovered that if I don't move I eat to calm down. How counter productive is that?!?  Lord knows there is still much to do around here; finish my room, the backyard, my taxes, the garage .... a little overwhelming if the list is examined too closely but all very doable as individual projects. 

Just Move, Vail. It's really very simple.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 11/30 or 52/100

We have just ordered in Chinese for dinner, and my feeling is that I am not even pretending to try to stay on plan today. It feels like I have crossed over to the dark side after all of my good intentions last night and this morning. I am pretty ashamed of myself at this point, and very disappointed in myself to say the least. I just don't know how I got here and what to do to turn it around. Just keep fighting I guess. Have reasonable portions, and take a walk with Kaylee once it cools down. Start the day tomorrow with a positive attitude and healthy breakfast.

I wish I could write about the stress I am struggling with, but it's not my confidence to share. And actually, I should write about it - I can just take it off line and type it all out so I can try to make some sense of it all. I thought I was able to package it away but apparently not since here I am relishing the thought of sweet and sour pork instead of making my salad. And I don't even usually eat meat. God what am I doing???

This story had better have a happy ending, that's all I can say! 48 days to go, lets see what I can do.

Update
Dinner was yummy, I had two veggie moo shu pancakes, one small scoop of rice, one small pile of chow mein, three small bites of sweet and sour pork, one pot sticker and one fortune cookie. My heartburn is testament to my days without refined carbs and incentive to go back on plan! Hopefully this meal purged the rebelliousness in my psyche and I can rededicate myself tomorrow. I know, a lifetime of tomorrows doesn't accomplish anything if there is never a 'today', but experience tells me sometimes a break is a good thing. I will count this as my 'Off day', switching it out for Monday which would have been my regularly scheduled Off day. Hopefully not too much damage was done, but I definitely won't be weighing myself in the morning; I can  already tell I will be swollen. Did I say how delicious dinner was?  I'll need to incorporate healthy versions of these dishes into our everyday cuisine so we don't crave them in times of temptation (hungry, angry, lonely, tired, etc.) I'm sure Susan over at fatfreevegan.com has already composed similar dishes where we can gather ideas.  

Argh....time to find something to dampen the burning; think I'll have some more of my ginger tea, that should do it.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 9/30 or 50/100

What a day...week...month... and where did the year go??? Tomorrow is the Summer Solstice, the longest day of the year, and my halfway mark through 100 days of the CBS weight loss program. "I've been a slipping and a sliding, playin dominoes" for this past week; trying just to stay on an even keel let alone on program. I think today I was able to let go a little of situations beyond my control, and recoup a little of my infamously grand demeanor. God, what a sentence. Anyway, feeling more calm this evening like a few of the knots have let go inside. Which brings me to my thought - I wonder if my meds need adjusting. Twenty pounds (more or less) is not an insignificant amount of weight to lose in two months. Maybe my recent lethargy has as much to do with my meds as my stress? I'll email the Dr. to see what she thinks - not, unfortunately, that I hold much book by what the 'medical' professionals have to say. If I've broken a leg, I'm first in line at the hospital, but for everyday health - no thank you. I'll take my Orenda and Plants over their advice any and every day of the week.

So a long day tomorrow, and then on Sunday the 23rd the biggest (closest) full moon of 2013. A and I have a history of admiring the moon together, and today in the driveway just as I was about to spell out MOONLIGHT TEA PARTY to R, A pipes up asking R about having a ... tea party! We were on the same wave length my darling girl and I. I think it will be great fun to honour the moon with a tea ceremony, and I have a feeling A will be a willing accomplice. She has a beautiful porcelain tea set that comes out for special occasions; it will be great fun.

It's always good to have something to look forward to, and speaking of that I wonder if H and I are on for a movie Saturday. I'd better stock up on some gum; sugar free lemon pie, or rootbeer float or maybe a package of orange cream that tastes much like the 50/50 bars from my youth. I'm not sure if I would be able to skip the popcorn, but after all I have eaten off plan this week I just might be able to do that.

There is a glimmering in the back of my mind, a slow coming around to the positive, a shy whisper of 'remember that you want this' wafting across the rough seas of my mind.

I am listening.

Orenda CleanBurnShape 7&8/20 or 48 & 49/100

It's hard to find myself sitting here in a self imposed confession booth, but there's no way around it - the last week has been really ...challenging...and if I don't get it out I'm afraid the feelings will fester and I won't be able to turn things around. Having said that, I had to step away and go weigh myself so I have all the facts to lay down on the table, show all my cards as it were.

I have been watching my daughter go through some of the same things I had to back in the day - hard days I lived through making the best decisions I could at the time; before I asked her father to leave, and now he's dead; before I tried helping her brother Joey, and now he's dead. So how can she not help but see how I tried and failed to help the people, the addicts, that I - we- love, and then not be distraught over what to do herself in a similar situation with M. Tough Love has not worked so well in our little family, so what to do, what to do. Keep loving and trying and hoping and praying and holding fast to sanity. I hate that she is having to live through this, and can't help but feel I am in part to blame. And the grief at my past failures that I had so carefully tucked away rears it's ugly head.

And here I am playing the 'D' card again - oh look how hard life is and therefore I eat! That is my addiction, my drug of choice, my personal struggle. How can I be so angry at someone else for not controlling their urges when I can't control my own. It's a vicious negative cycle that I know all too well. A cycle that I dread, that I have let myself be swept back into like a wind tunnel sucking me down onto my own personal mysterious island of torment. (totally stole that, we were watching the 2nd journey movie last night, but the visual is accurate!)

Anyway, I have been on plan half heartedly this past week, trying but not succeeding to stay away from my 'drug' while dealing with strong emotions and memories, trying to support my daughter emotionally, working on getting my taxes done in the evenings, and trying to help with A who needs us all and is watching us all drift away. ("One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode!" Ron Weasley) Too tired and distraught to play with her, she is not getting her usual allotment of attention and the guilt is laying heavy across my shoulders. That is the first thing to change. Tonight I will be patient and when she asks to play I will say yes no matter how I feel or what has happened during the day. She deserves the best, to grow up confident and cherished; she is our light.

I have been using the CBS products, but the last two days I have also driven through to get fast food on the way home from work and scooped up numerous servings of apple pie - hence my forgetfulness at blogging - no one likes to record a failure...well maybe Edison or others of brilliance who see those as blips on the path of progress. But it was not intentional and I am surprised to see that two days have gone by without a single word from my proliferous fingers. Which brings to mind poison ivy and green stalks protruding from the ends of my fingers...god at least let there be flowers involved, and not just thorns. Not just numerous servings from an 11" apple crumble pie that made it's way onto the kitchen counter last weekend.

How my mind is wandering this morning! So back to the scale - up three pounds. My Bad. I cannot change that, but I can decide to knock it off. Sitting after work doing my taxes is probably my worst offence, movement is key! If you're not moving, you're not forcing your body to burn energy, and in the end it's always about calories in and calories out. A sedentary lifestyle is the real killer here - but it's habit and bad genes that make me a recluse, that compel me to turn in on myself and huddle when stressed. How i wish I were one of those waifs who 'can't eat' they are so stricken with...whatever.

H reminded me last night in a message that if I just keep a good attitude everything will work out fine. Which reminded me of this passage from Shakespeare in Love, a favorite movie of mine. Remember, Theatre Business = Life.

Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.

Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?

Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.

Hugh Fennyman: How?

Philip Henslowe: I don't know. It's a mystery.

So there I have it, it will turn out well. And in the meantime I need to get off my a$$ and move and fight my way past each exit on the way home as I use to do. I need my muchness, my vorpal sword so to say; I need to be Alice for a few days until I am back on track! Which inspires me to leave with this quote from the latest Alice in Wonderland movie, it fits my decidedly unprosaic mood perfectly this morning.

6. The Mad Hatter: 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.
Alice Kingsley: Sorry, what was that?
The Mad Hatter: What was what?
[continues walking]
The Mad Hatter: The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, Jaws that bait and claws that catch, Beware the Jabberwock, my son, The frumious Bandersnatch He took his vorpal sword in hand The vorpal blade went snicker-snack He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back. Its all about you, you know
Alice Kingsley: I'm not slaying anything. I don't slay, so put it out of your mind
The Mad Hatter: ...Mind?
[Hatter stops, puts Alice down on a log, and continues walking]
Alice Kingsley: Wait! You Cant leave me here!
The Mad Hatter: You don't slay? Do you have any idea what the Red Queen has done? You don't slay.
Alice Kingsley: I couldn't if i wanted to.
The Mad Hatter: You're not the same as you were before You were much more..."muchier" You've lost your "muchness"
Alice Kingsley: My "muchness"?
The Mad Hatter: [Points to Alice's heart] In there. 

Today I will find my muchness and slay my jabberwock. Off to the showers!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 6/30 or 47/100

I think I have lost my second roll! Think back fat - ew gross - and the rolls that accumulate as one gains weight. I had reclaimed my two back rolls over the past couple of years - again, ew gross - and just now checking out how this top fits I was looking into my 'rearview' mirror in the bathroom and realized my back looks sleek. I can see my hourglass figure unimpeded by road bumps - my back is smooth and curvy again! There may be a small swell hidden by my clothes, but I'm not stripping to check this close to leaving for work; I would rather type. Another positive sign that the 'Shape' is working wonders on my form.

I wasn't able to mark off the 'Move' part of my new CBS chart yesterday - but I did get through April done while working on my taxes; it feels good to have made progress! Hopefully I will finish those up by next week and get everything to the tax guy to audit (yes I filed an extension.) I've always done my own taxes, but with the separation from H and our joint business I didn't want there to be any question of impropriety (not that he would) or loose ends. I would like to close the books with a clear conscious. 

Given that I should work on another couple of months tonight I will try to walk at lunch today. I should be able to do that - I am my only obstacle, there is a team member on vacation and there will be extra day-to-day processing to cover. But there are three of us to make sure everything gets done and I should be able to sneak off for half an hour to stretch my legs.

Time to go pack my lunch - a green smoothie with spinach & blueberries added to my Shape shake; yum - and some fresh veggies to snack on for the drive home. I'll stop in at the store by work - hey I'll walk! -  and pick up some Pink Lady apples for the week, love them! R picked up berries to take with me for breakfast in the car, and I just need to fill up my two 20oz water bottles and I'm done. Easy Peasy.

Another Monday, another day to make healthy choices, another day closer to wearing smaller jeans over the holidays. Let's do this thing!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 5/30 or 46/100

One of the reasons I try to write everyday is to stay focused, or to refocus as the case may be. A lifetime of habit can be hard to overcome, and I was raised to be helpful to others, and my natural inclination is to look outside myself first. And that is where my focus has strayed recently - away from myself. And letting outside stress influence decisions. Not Good!  Yesterday's stress eating consisted of:

Peanut Butter (natural) and jam (all fruit) sandwich on Country White Bread (yikes)
Tater Tots with Ketchup (at least no HFCS there)
Leftover buttered toast and jam that A didn't finish (half a slice?)
Half an artichoke with homemade aioli (mayo made with olive oil)
Spoonful of peanut butter (palm oil & sugar)

I only took two Burns yesterday and because I had been snacking I skipped my shake. So dumb. It should be so simple - follow the program - If I had just done that I could have resisted the snacking. The products are the needed support - just take the products! If I had made the shake at lunch the pea protein would have alleviated the desire to snack. If I had taken my 3rd Burn I would have stayed busy instead of disappearing into the tv.

Yesterday did have some highlights - I cleaned out the big redwood doghouse so it can be used as a playhouse, and I went swimming for the first time in more years than I can remember. I want to keep doing this, it felt so good! The pool is only a couple of blocks away, and summer is around the corner. I will do this!

Time to focus on me! In a positive way. Some of the others following the plan are using a chart to check off each day so they are sure to use all the products when they should. I think I need to spend a little time this morning to print one out for the week. I love the results I have achieved so far, I want to see more - what I feel when I am successful is more important by far than the spikes of negative stress I try to push down with food. 

The good will overcome; I will use all my CBS products today to make sure of that!

Update
Here is my morning's work. I have printed the chart and will post it on the fridge as soon as I finish up here. Then the girls are going to the movies and I am working on taxes until lunch. Looking at the chart will remind me it's a shake and not a salad for lunch since it's a Burn day. My goal is to check off everything for 26 days, to use the CBS products, feel great, and just follow the program.

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 24/30 continued

The past hour has slipped by as I perused some of the old journal entries made back in 2007 - 2008 and the record of my journey towards eating for nutrition. Scary stuff in the sense that here I am six years later and have some of the same feelings and challenges that I did then. Where is the growth and maturity??? But I have to give myself some credit; for not giving up, that I am still grateful for the small joys in my life, that I have taken this huge step in my life that I fought against for so long. 

One thing that I read really struck home. I was writing about how I noticed it was the 'happy' people who were able to lose weight and keep it off. Maybe now I am in a place where I can be one of those people. It's not just about the food, it's about everything else too, and I am more convinced than ever that I made the right decision and that I am on the right path.

I know how to eat, how to tell the difference between food and food products, and Orenda has given me the tools to get back on track without taking years to do it this time. I remember the excitement of breaking 190 and feeling great. I want to do it again, and I want it to be this summer, not two summers from now. Six more days until I finish this first 30 on the CBS plan. I may take a break and juice for a week before starting the 2nd 30 days - a friend with Crohns has agreed to try adding healthy juices to her day to see if it makes a difference and I want to support her. We'll see.

I barely puttered in the backyard today, guess my body needed a day of rest, but after reading about riding my bike I'm thinking I need to stop by the store for a bike pump on the way home tomorrow and dust the old girl off and take a ride. I had forgotten how much I love feeling the wind in my face and the burn of my muscles. Of course, I also want  to have a pedicure this week in preparation of my date on Saturday :)  Another, "We'll see!"

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 24/30

It's always fun to get on the scale after a Clean Day, and true to form I am down another pound this morning.

Yesterday I took a bit of a misstep - a co-worker had made cinnamon rolls and I was just off the heels of a necessary but uncomfortable chat with someone else - and I gobbled one down before I could even think about it. I mean, I knew I shouldn't be eating it, and at the very least should be savoring every bite, but my animal brain took over and inhaled it before I could slip bicycle pants on my shoulder angel and stand strong. To help balance that act of rebellion I walked over to get A after work and then slipped into some work clothes to go rake and weed in the back yard for an hour. I love working till I sweat, then I know for sure I have done my body some good. As well as the back yard!

The most interesting part of yesterday was not the resolution of a problem within my department, not falling off the bandwagon, nor even my pride in the progress made in the yard. It was the invitation from H to drive up for some Wine and Music at Jesse's Grove on Saturday.What What!! I wanted to say no, to keep our separation...well...separate. But Wine and Music? And I miss him. And I would love a small weekend getaway and some good old fashioned fun and relaxation. It's been a while. The dilemma upmost on my mind is not  what might happen between me and H, but that it's a Burn Day, and Wine is not on the menu. Or shouldn't be. Because I'm not just talking about a glass, I'm thinking a few glasses and a sleep over! (I know....)

I guess the question at this point is whether the pound I won't lose from the flesh is more important than the nourishment my soul needs to reap right now. I am not a fanatic, I never have been. And my gut is telling me go have fun, eat right, take your product, and just add in a little wine at the end of the day.  I'll have my usual shake at lunch, and there is always at least one vendor with a vegetarian option at these types of venues. I have been ordering with nutrition in mind for years, I know how to customize what is offered so that I am left with a plateful of mostly unprocessed plants! What kills me is that if I had stuck to the original schedule Saturday would be my official Off Day. Serves me right.

So something to look forward to this weekend, the stress at work has been relieved, and I'm having a good hair day. My mood is pretty awesome this morning!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 22/30

I'm home from work, but what a gorgeous day it is; I need to be outside working in the back yard! 

Later
Another corner divested of leaves, another pile ready to load in the green waste when there is room. A wanted to eat dinner on the patio which gladdened my heart; my efforts in the back yard are bearing fruit.

I wish I could say the same for work. My hopes for a united team are slowly dissolving before my very eyes and I can't seem to pull it back together. I don't want to be the 'B', I want us to work together seamlessly without having to govern. Rats. I'll just keep trying, there has to be a way. I have been known to brag that I am the middle child, the piscean woman who can hear both sides and find a solution. How pride goeth before a fall! I care deeply about these women I have been working with for the past year, some I have known longer than others but each of them has earned my respect and affection. I will find a way to bring us back together, I wonder who I could call for advice.  Well, no one tonight. My phone is sitting on my desk at work.

I am looking forward to my 'Clean' day tomorrow. I know I won't have much of an appetite which means fewer dishes to do at the end of the day! Fringe benefits of the CBS plan, so to speak. There are only 8 days left until my 41 day weigh in. The inches gone off my arms, legs, hips and waist are apparent. It's easier to move, and I no longer dread getting up from my knees. Not too long ago I would have to really think about it - which leg should go up first, what I could hold on to for support. I noticed today that I just got up without really thinking about those things at all! To a younger and\or thinner person that might seem a little weird, but to anyone who has been stuck on their knees they know how amazing this is to me.

Feeling full this evening I didn't even finish my salad for dinner. Strange for me to leave anything unfinished when speaking of food. I'm loving the cool air coming in the window, the chatter of the kids and neighbors floating in on the breeze. Time to get back up from this keyboard!!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 21/30 continued

Back when "The Secret" was all the rage it sped through the Network Marketing arena in a fiery blaze. That led to more reading and exploring and getting the basic idea that 'thoughts are things' and 'you have to make room in your life if you want to welcome in something better.'

Today I welcomed a new patio table and chairs into the backyard, and later this afternoon we will have company. I had seen the set with a 'FREE' sign on them during the morning's walk to the pond and R and I took A with us and grabbed them.  But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me see if I can get the sequence right.

1. H moved out, taking the patio table & chairs with him.
2. C next door wanted to lay a brick patio between the driveways, and we did.
3. C's better half threw him a surprise Bday party, and we worked to make sure our adjoining driveway was cleared off, hosed down and prettified for the occasion with the raking of leaves & the potting of new flowers.
4. A coworker was looking for some doggie day care, and a couple of months ago I would have been embarrassed to have them over, but in no small part to the Burn I have been keeping busy around here, so invited her over this afternoon.
5. The back yard is a wreck because all of our efforts have gone into moving and brick laying.
6. I spent the morning weed whacking, raking up leaves, hosing off the back brick patio and the new patio set.
7. Before lunch we went shopping and found four chair pads in a fresh green that just matches the colour of the potted peas (our garden) that we have growing on a trellis in backyard. They look inviting and add that final touch we needed to make the yard seem like we may actually use it.
8. I have an hour left to hose off the back cement patio and set up the futon couch before jumping in the shower.
9. I get to meet a new dog at 5 and have my dinner out on the back patio.

Everything sort of hinged on everything else, and while it may seem an obscure set of connections to someone else it all makes perfect sense to me. This will be the first person I have invited over to the house in a really long time, and it feels good.

Back to work!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 20/30

Waking up with a clear mind and heart I can clearly see how disconnected I was yesterday; walking around in a fog is not good. This hasn't happened for months, and when I think of the years I spent like that I almost shudder. But as they say, we all handle grief in our own way and time. And I think I am also mourning a little for the loss of my relationship. Even if it is a positive step forward, I do have regrets - which can be pretty destructive in and of themselves.

So lesson learned - don't go overboard trying to be positive, just live my life in a positive manner and make the best choice I can each time there is one to be made.

I started my day with an unscheduled dose of Clean just because I feel full of crap from yesterday and want to feel, well, cleansed. There are blackberries for breakfast, then  a Shape shake for lunch and a chopped salad with beans and lots of yummy fresh veggies for dinner to round out the day nicely.

I've enjoyed a nice quiet morning; four of the five animals have been dosed for fleas, A's bedroom is picked up, laundry is in, and A I have clean sheets on our beds. I know it doesn't sound like a quiet morning, but I enjoyed my domestic chores and the calm they often bring.

Now to the front of the house to take inventory of pots that need planting. I've already trimmed back the roses, and hopefully today I will find their food and get them fed this evening. 

I have lots of plans for today, and the energy and will to execute them. "Today's gonna be a good day."

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 16/30

It's a Clean Day

Both previous Clean days were travel days, so this will be my first time taking my midday serving at work. I'm really enjoying the minimal cooking I'm having to do on the program.

The work week is beginning well, with loose jeans, another new low number on the scale, and an easy lunch to pack. But gotta run, commute traffic calls! Thank heavens for audio books or that would be unbearable.

Later
Sometimes for an addict it's not one day at a time, or even an hour, it's a moment to moment deal and I found my self-talk going something like this on the way home from work today. 'Remember how great it feels to wake up in the morning knowing you have nothing to be ashamed of from the day before. Remember the feeling of anticipation just before you get on the scale and see a lower number. Remember, remember remember all you have to do is get past the next exit and continue on home where you can make a filling chocolate shake for dinner.'

I stopped for groceries on the way to work this morning for berries, small sweet peppers and pink lady apples. And two large carrots. The berries were for breakfast, the carrots and peppers were lunch, and one apple for the ride home. I was full, I wasn't hungry, and all I could think of was what I could stop and get before arriving home. I had to tell myself that no amount of stress could justify junk food, that this was my time, and my program, and I was going to follow it. And I arrived home safely, and the urge to eat is gone.

It's my own fault. While driving all over the Bay Area as a project manager for a year and a half I would defray the stress by eating in the car, and my brain now goes there of it's own accord sometimes. I wish I could snap that mental\emotional link more easily, but at least I know I can power through and have my way. MY way, not the way of that persistent little devil who tries to woo me from my shoulder.  I envision my thumb smashing him down to insignificance, and me standing victorious.

I am too old for this shit. Eating & weight should not be such a challenge by this point. What a way to spend a life. Time to change my clothes and feed the dogs and head outside for some sun therapy! Which reminds me, I walked at lunch and have two cute pinecones to add to the basket. Come the holidays I will drizzle cinnamon oil over them all and bring them inside. There, a good note to end my ranting!

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 15/30

Here are my unofficial measurements at day 25 of the 100 day CleanBurnShape program. My chart is more extensive than the official Orenda one, but I love noting all the changes!

Down 8#'s and over 10 inches. While I know other's are losing more quickly, I have always lost inches before pounds, probably because of my high muscle mass. But I am very excited about thinner arms & legs since Summer, Capri's & tank tops are upon us.

Not that you would know it by today where there is a forecast of rain and highs in the 70's. But the cooler weather is a blessing; I love spring and hate it when we go straight from winter to summer without the mild spring in between that is so conducive to working outside. Speaking of which, after working around the roses yesterday I came in for dinner. Which happened to be a shake since my SIL was sleeping when I went in to make the shake for lunch. So I opted for a salad at lunch instead of powering up the blender and just switched out my lunch and dinner for the day. Anyway, I was sitting on the chaise in the back yard and about half way through my shake (watermelon, spinach, Shape) when realized that I would rather be mowing the lawn. (Yes I remembered my 3rd Burn yesterday!) So A supervised while I picked up dog messes and then mowed down the foxtails that are overtaking the grass. We are going to let most of the lawn go, put in some sand paths and drought resistant perennials and some raised bed garden planters instead. But that project is definitely on the list AFTER the garage. Then a little later after I had cooled down and the family was having their dinner I finished up the shake which I had deposited in the fridge while mowing.

So I kept busy yesterday as intended (that particular path was not leading to hell) and today will be more of the same. Although if the rain appears as forecasted I may be working on my room instead of in the yard. Still, being on my feet and active and not being a couch potato is feeling pretty good. I can hardly wait to get my taxes done so I can convert my desk back to a standing station so I am not sitting down to blog.

I am going to be focusing the next two weeks on something I read on Friday while reading up on green coffee bean extract. Several articles mentioned taking it half an hour before a meal with a large glass of water. And that seemed to work really well for me yesterday. So I'm going to make taking my Burn that way a priority as I head into the rest of this first 30 days.

And right now I need to grab a sweater and go out front and gloat over our new beautiful brick patio. It's going to be fun socializing with the neighbors this summer on our new common ground. (Have I mentioned that one of them is also my massage therapist?)