It's a beginning. I have this compulsion to weigh when I feel lighter, and someday I will toss the scale. Probable when it breaks. But in the meantime I did step on this morning and I am down a pound and a half. I reminded myself to think of a box of butter, and to visualize six sticks of my fat being gone. It's enough for a positive mindset this morning.
Yesterday was good, I kept on my feet and moving most of the day puttering at this and that and playing solitaire at my standing workstation. And being a living jungle gym for A is great for core strength.Whether balancing her on my lap or swinging her around it is always a challenge in my current state of affairs. And good for me. And her. I love her so much.
Which is why yesterday was also scary and frustrating and eye opening. She had been with her mother to buy new shoes for running club at school. Two days a week they show up early and run laps, earning small feet to hang on a necklace; it's great for energetic kids like A so that they are ready to settle down in class. Heck, it's great for anyone, and a way to counter the time spent on the Wii and iPads and computers. I digress. She asked me if I wanted to come watch her run around the court so I slipped on my crocs and followed her out into the crisp winter air. (It's California, anything under 60 is crisp. It was 39. I had wool socks on.) She began her lap while I watched and then at the end of the court all of a sudden she was down. Her foot slipped off the curb and she landed hard on her left knee. And I couldn't run to gather her up. I hobbled as fast as I could towards her and once she raised her head up I called out, "It's okay, take it slow, make sure everything works before you get up!" It was agony trying to get to her and watching her struggle to get up. Finally reaching her she was up and limping towards me, fighting back the tears. So brave. Her knee was banged up and entering the house I called for her mother to look at it. While her leggings hadn't torn, the skin beneath them had and there was swelling too. Mom took care of the skin while I put together an ice bag, pounding the ice and wrapping it in a tea towel. We got her situated while I explained about treating injuries with RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation.) Such a good girl, she sat the requested ten minutes with the ice pack and then she was up to play. Another ten minutes of ice half an hour later and I quit fussing over her.
I always 'knew' I wasn't going to be a typical old person. I was going to shoot my bow forever, I was going to be the 'young grama' and stay active and travel the states shooting tournaments in my retirement. What the hell happened, that's what I want to know. Well, life happened; god laughing at our plans and all that. In a nutshell, letting myself go. Life happened and I gave up. Simple as that. Grief manifests itself in different ways; I have asked before, why couldn't I be someone who withers away to nothing instead of growing to the size of a mountain? I think now it's about survival, the body expanded while the mind withered. In the years I was losing steadily and feeling great I would tell myself I was getting my body ready for when my mind was ready to start living again. Again, what happened? Again, life happened.
I have no excuses now, no devastating reasons to explain my lack of caring. Instead I have a reason to be healthy and active and she is her to hug and kiss me everyday as a reminder of that fact.
Focus on the positive, be grateful for the blessings no matter how small or how overwhelmingly large. I need to be myself, and currently I am not that. I am an athlete, not an invalid, and I want me back. Not for anyone else, but for how I feel inside, and what I need to do and be for happiness to be mine again. And I was not happy stuck in this current physical version of myself instead of being able to run and help someone I love. I need me back.
Breakfast: one orange, one banana, 2T peanut butter
Lunch: chopped salad, chick pea mix left over from yesterday
Dinner: homemade potato and chickpea soup with carrots and caramelized onions
Dessert: One piece of chocolate
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