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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Orenda CleanBurnShape: 12/30 or 83/100 or 1/1

To some I could say, 'well, it was Monday,  you know', and they would totally just get it without further explanation or having to dredge up the tedious details of what that meant exactly. But quite a while ago I read that we spend a seventh of our lives on Monday, and I have previously posed that it would be a shame to harbour hard feelings for such a large fraction of our lives. That being said, yesterday was not so awful; it was just NOT the weekend anymore and there is always a touch of sadness about that state of affairs despite my aforementioned resolve concerning Mondays.

We finished off the delicious beans and the last of the flour tortillas for dinner last night, then mini chocolate caramel ice cream bars for desert. I think it is obvious I have forgotten I am at the tail end of 100 days on the CBS plan, or have reverted back into the lazy uncaring attitude of a loser - big giant L blazing on my forehead right now. I am still using the products, and despite my indiscretionary eating at least not gaining weight. For my latest excuse I bring forward the demise of my erstwhile mother in law, and I would like to take a moment to hold her up to the light.

Betty welcomed me into her large family with open arms when I married her son, and likewise the children that followed despite already having a plethora of grandchildren. I first met her as my Boss when a mutual friend knew she needed a bartender and I needed a job to tide me over while going to real estate school. I had recently exited a ...difficult relationship...and was determined to forge a new career sans men. I was hired, and two weeks later while walking into work my eyes met those of her son who was just back from a trip to Arizona with his girlfriend. Of course at the time I didn't know who he was, just that it was love at first sight. And to be clear, after years of thinking this through over and over, I wouldn't go back and change a thing no matter what was to follow (Drugs, Divorce, Death) But I digress. I ended up working for and with my MIL on and off for about...twenty years? More? She taught me the valuable axiom of 'waste not want not', and showed me how to be a 'working' manager; skills I have carried with me through my life and still practice to this day. She made me a better person, and Tuesday became a very sad day upon learning of her passing. I regret the times I did not go to visit after her son and I divorced, it was nothing less than shameful. But I had moved on, had a new career, a new Beau, a new hobby. For the first time in years I was actively engaged in having fun and visiting her would undoubtedly be about dredging up the past.  Later I was simply scared; she too lost a son, more than once, and that was a grief too deep to share. I hope R is right, I hope she is with her boys.

So tomorrow we drive up to Napa to say our farewells and mingle with Rhiannon's cousins and my outlaws for the afternoon.  I can't say that I am looking forward to it, but she deserves the respect our attendance signifies, and there will be many there that I love and miss.

One more tiny rant. I am driving up to see H on Saturday to pick up some furniture. He suggested I drive up in the morning, have lunch, then we drive back bringing the credenza and coffee table with us.  I think it is relevant I was not invited up to spend Friday evening, and here I am once again letting my heart get a little broken and I am begging the powers that be to release this man once and all from my affections. Or something like that. Why can't I just be his friend and enjoy that much of him. Why this prolonged torture I subject myself to for no good reason.

Thinking about my life is just exhausting this morning. Maybe a shower will make things right, or at least a little better. I can only hope.

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