Despite my brilliance, and all evidence to the contrary, I can be a slow learner. As evidenced by the last 58 years! Anyway, just sayin'.
I have decided that Mondays should always be Clean days - a new start each week to set off on the right track, just in case there was cake involved on Sunday. And there was. One small piece plus one small bite a little later. Not too bad considering it was chocolate on chocolate. Even this morning sipping on my berry water (Clean) I have no desire for another piece. On another day in another time I would have woken in the middle of the night to snag a piece, and had another one for breakfast. Ugh. But not so on this day, and in this time. I'm good.
I realized over the weekend that I have been playing a balance game - as in, how much can I eat while using the CBS plan and not gain weight. And while that may be a great strategy for someone at goal weight, for someone (me) who has a lot to lose (at least 30 more pounds) this is just craziness. I have almost two months of sanity between me and September. And while I don't want to forecast gloom and doom, the emotions tend to pile on between then and February. The dark half of the year as I have come to recognize it; Joey was born in September and died in February, a challenge to every holiday in between.
There, I typed it. It's out there for the universe to absorb and absolve. I am no longer interested in living a half life; if there was emotional penance to be paid I have done so. So I fell hard (who wouldn't) and heaped blame on my shoulders (again, normal) but it is time to take to heart the things my brain has learned and do some better work at chipping away at bygones. Almost every day Alanna has been telling me that her Uncle died but that he is alive in her heart. She is four and a half, they never met. But at four they tend to take in everything they hear, scramble it around in their infinitely brighter brains, and spout out truths as though it were nothing. As it is before we 'grow up' and forget how to think clearly. So she is merely telling me what we have already told her. The difference is that she hears it as the truth it is and makes it believable when she throws my words back in my face - so to say.
She is everything a person should be, and I will strive to keep that light with me in the coming seasons; when the time comes I will wear it like a cloak. And for now, for the rest of this summer, I will stop treading water unless I am actually in the pool; I will use every tool I have gathered but let rust from neglect. I will make this time count. Positive affirmations, lots of water, reading about nutrition online instead of playing games, and spending more time on my feet. Throw negative thoughts to the curb and embrace everyone and everything that brings light into my life. And that includes Orenda; they have kept me going through it all - keeping my body ready for when my mind was willing, and I won't waste this latest gift, this CBS plan. Instead I will put my head back on my shoulders where it belongs and get busy!
With that thought in mind I head to work, grateful for another day in which to make a difference.
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