Where to begin. While tempted to record the ups and downs of yesterday's trip to Napa, the experience left me..drained? And I will only jot down a few notes. It was even a little cathartic after living through the initial horror of realizing I was surrounded by family who looked like my ex and our son. That is what Jim would have looked like at 80, that is what Joey could have looked like at 30. My intentions in going were pure, to show respect for Betty and to support R. I forgot I hadn't seen this side of the family since Joeys memorial, talk about a mental block, and wasn't anticipating the strong reaction I experienced. I also hadn't expected a Catholic service; at least the church was beautiful and it gave me a new perspective from which to think about some of the family. But I was overcome with emotion, and felt like a skinned cat upon leaving. I will say that the two granddaughters who spoke nailed it; Betty made you feel loved, and like you had her attention - the joy she lived with was genuine and she shared it with us all.
Once back at B's (outlaw sis) in their beautifully remodeled home with a glass of red at hand and busy getting trays of food out I was okay. Then after weeping a little more with family and getting caught up I did feel better. The sweet ladies in their 90's who mentioned I hadn't changed a bit, well that was much appreciated and I soaked it up. And seeing the cousins together all grown up was a treat. How I wished for just a moment that everything could have been different; that Joey and Jim were there, that they were happy productive souls, that M could have been there with R, that drugs and alcohol hadn't been such a destructive force in our lives. But I have learned not to second guess life, and it was just a fleeting thought, not anything to dwell over.
Thank heavens R was driving us home, the wine hit me hard. I did indulge in several skinny slices of french baguette, each topped with a slice of peppered salami and a smear of Gorgonzola -So Delicious! A handful of kettle chips and one peanut butter cookie completed my repast. Once home we did make it to the pool, and had a fun time with A - everyday with her at the pool reminds me of how important fun and courage are in equal measure. Back at the house we had salads for dinner, and after dozing off several times in front of the TV I gave it up and headed to bed at 8pm. And slept. And slept. And slept some more! Rolling out of bed at 7:10 this morning I barely made it to work on time at 8. Emotions can be more exhausting than any physical labours, no?
Upon arising this morning I did notice that there was a new calm present in my demeanor despite my rushing about, and I realized that I really had needed yesterday; to see family, to grieve, to hug and be hugged. Feeling lighter I stepped on the scale before dressing and was delighted to see that the five pounds I had regained over the past month were gone and I was back on track. Which probably led to my crazy lunch. I had rushed out of the house so fast this morning I didn't pack any food. I spent lunch time at Harvest Farms picking up fruit and veggies and yes, the jalapeno chips I a had for lunch were an impulse buy at the counter. In my defense I also polished off four stalks of celery at my desk to finish up the urge to crunch, and then half an apple on the way home.
Dinner will be a shake since I didn't have one at lunch, and it's hot so I imagine we will be going to the pool again once A is home. It is a testament to how crazy I have been that I was able to go so many years without swimming and the pool just a short walk down the street the whole time. Just Insane.
Time to get busy; a child to pick up, a shake to blend, swimming to do, and finally the Thursday ritual of taking out the garbage. Life does have a tendency to go on when one is still breathing, like it or not. And mostly lately, I like it.
Update: I almost forgot two random awesome events. Not that they were awesome in and of themselves, but because it was so crazy to see how fast the universe can respond. R was backing out of our parking space at Trader Joe's where we had stopped on the way home from Napa and mentioned how dangerous the parking lot was there. Immediately a car backed into us! No harm no foul, but hilarious. Then later when we were at the pool A and I were showing her how A floats on her back to watch the migration of sea gulls as they make their daily trek from the dump in the foothills out to the coast. R said aren't you afraid of what might fall on you? Immediately a big white splat hit the cement not three feet from her. Amazing. Ask and you shall receive; the universe does not hear 'no'.
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