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Friday, August 30, 2013

Oh the despair

This morning I am thinking more and more of this battle we are in; hope and worry fighting it out with anger and frustration. There are no winners, it is a lose-lose situation as the mechanics of addiction steal away our time and energy and resources. Instead of celebrating the raising of A we are drained by the everyday stress that M creates in our lives. 

This is what most upsets me today, that this precious little person in our lives is getting the short end of the stick. How can we practice patience when we are exhausted emotionally, how do we sit and play when we are scanning the house for who may have been there while we were at work, how do we leave for the pool when we are  worried about what may be missing or out of place at the house.

I once counseled R that she would know when she reached her ‘line’. That mystical place where she and A became more important than saving M. Have I reached my line? I said I would support whatever she decided, that I was here for her and wouldn't meddle. But it is harder every day, watching her pain and how she fluctuates between hope and despair.

How much more of my life am I willing to give to this madness?  I can pretend for hours at a time that whatever happens is just the way it is, but I know in my heart we do have some say in our destiny, that we were given the powers of choice and change, and that we are not exercising those options.

And of course while I say I am thinking of A this morning, really I am thinking about myself and my daughter and what needs to be done to put us in a place to take better care of A. In this situation, abundance does trickle down from the top, and if we do not have our ‘muchness’ then how can we pass any on to her.

We need some damn oxygen masks.

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