BLE and Christmas Baking

 This morning I am up and dressed and ready to go shopping. The family has chosen four recipes to make today to fill the plates, bags, or tins that we will fill to give out to friends and neighbors and I have volunteered to go pick up ingredients. I have very mixed feelings about this, and part of me wants to just drive away and not have anything to do with it.

    Why put temptation in front of myself?
    Why give treats that are potentially poisonous to a friend of neighbor?
    Why model behavior to my family that no longer feels appropriate?

All good questions that have been asked a multitude of times in the BLE FB group. And I know that the right thing to do would be to suggest a different way to celebrate. Make gifts that aren't edible? Have small parties where we play games and have fun sparkly drinks that don't involve sugar? Make a hiking date with a photo competition?  I would love any of these; well not so much the hiking right now with my health. But if I can so clearly see a different path, why can I not even suggest taking it?

Because my grandson is excited about the baking, because my daughter has a list of friends and family they want to bake for as a way to celebrate. Because my desire to belong to the pack is so much stronger than my will to take care of myself and ultimately them and the friends and family with which they wish to celebrate.

I'm re-listening to Rezoom by SPT, and this scenario fits so many of the criteria on why food is an addiction. We have the social cues, those of the season, and the pressures of tradition. To bake something out of love and share it to celebrate with friends and family didn't use to be so controversial. But there is no comparing today with how we celebrated 50 or 100 years ago. The 'food' environment has changed so drastically, and that is not something I wish to entrench myself in today.

God, I have become so cynical.

There is a part of me that wants to help today, to decorate, to laugh with my family and create something out of love. And deep down my own true self says this is not a bad thing. I think it is my food controller that is scared of where this might lead, and my indulger who is excited about the prospect. And I am the one who needs to 'drive this bus', not them. It's up to  me to experience the joy and celebration without letting it devolve into sneaking treats in the middle of the night. Thank heavens most of it will be packed up for gifts.

I think that maybe next year I can suggest an alternative plan earlier on, and then I remember I won't be here next year. I will be down South with my Mother. And my brain says this is the real reason to bake today, because it will probably be the last time, and all of a sudden I am sad and needing to go put my shoes on and get busy.

I will enjoy today for all it means to be together, not for what may or may not be eaten at the end of it. This I can promise myself.