BLE and Grief

I'm still a little emotional this morning, but thinking about my grief yesterday I realized that maybe this is why I haven't been very bright recently. I have been so caught up in anger about being sick (just a really bad cold) and not being able to follow through on my plans to move South, I assumed those were the feelings I have been eating.  But often in September I start eating more, like a bear preparing for the winter, except I am ramping up for the desolation of another 9/24 without Joey.

And I am grateful this morning to BLE for teaching me about creating space between thoughts and things. About the power of the pause, and being able to just sit with my emotions of the moment without running from them. I've never felt like I was eating my feelings, but rather eating to run away from them. I guess it's all really the same thing. But the past few years I have not played the pity card, telling myself it's okay to indulge in eating anything I want because, "look at what you've lost". Instead I have tried to stay Bright, tried to put on bunny slippers and rest and watch good movies.

We don't usually speak about him on his Birthday, it's just too hard! Instead we had a tradition of having dessert; malted ice cream sundaes from Lord's, or trips to Cold Stone or Baskin Robbin's, always last minute plans because we just don't want to think about it. Really what I am saying is that we didn't want to feel about it, and procrastinated until the end of the day where we would bury those feelings in sugar.

Yesterday I emerged from my self imposed exile (keeping  my germs to myself) as the family was leaving for their almost daily trip to the dog park and looked at my daughter. "Half of me wants desert for Joey's Birthday, and half of me doesn't!"  She simply said, "well text me if you want us to stop for something".  She knows of my battles with food, and does bright line eating during the day most of the time. There was no judgement, no opinion, just love; she is the best.

I immediately calmed down, and knew I really didn't want the desert, I just wanted to say his name out load. To reaffirm that he is real, and loved, and missed. So I am still sitting with the pain today instead of eating it, and in a weird way it feels good. Because I know that when this burning pain in my throat passes, and it will, I will be ever so grateful that I am in a place that can appreciate that missing him is a part of my human experience. That I am not trying to hide my love for him under a mountain of sugar or flour, but instead I am expressing it through my feelings of grief.

Time to dry off these tears, hug the dog, and find a quiet little distraction.