"act as if"

Quote from Sean (see blog link):


"Because I destroyed that old tape and replaced it with something worth listening to. How do you make a new mix tape for your brain? Write it out, memorize it, burn it into your brain, and most importantly...Believe it."


The last sentence is basically what my sister was trying to tell my stubborn self the last time I saw her. Keep a gratitude journal, use positive reinforcement.  There was another quote on Sean's blog that he used, something about 'not being able to walk into a new future if you amputate your past.' It happened, it's a learning block, use it. But don't let it rule you.


"Write it out, memorize it, burn it into your brain"   I will start today. I will write a new tape.


I know I have been wallowing in ... hatred. There, the sad ugly truth. Hating myself that I can't prevent horrible things from happening. And just like that the vision brought to me in 'Eat Pray Love' looms large in the flat screen of my brain - trying to hold back the ocean - like that could ever be done. Maybe too many stories growing up of heroines and saving and be saved: the undertow of my thinking my whole life, dragging me under because I couldn't figure out how to step up onto the surfboard and ride the waves instead. I love that picture, and I think I will use it to start my new positive tape. A picture of me surfing, what a wonderful picture to keep in the forefront of my waking thoughts. 


I think today that first I will write out my demons, then burn them. I have felt for years that I need a cleansing ceremony, and I have an idea now of what I need to do. I know this won't dispell the negative thoughts forever and always, but it can be a defining moment in how I manage them going forward. It can help destroy their holding pattern leaving room for my positive tape.


So my tape. First the picture, then the words. They don't have to be unique or super special or have the capability of blowing someone's mind with my grasp of a perfect solution. The tape just needs to tell my truth. That I have an athlete living inside who can come out now, that no matter how I look no one can destroy me because of it; that I am strong, and that I am worthy just because I am here. Simple and true. For me and everyone else. And the tape isn't a get it perfect and keep it sort of an exercise. The point is to start, and to keep it positive.


It has been said that because we are all special, no one is. I beg to differ. We are all unique, just a little bit different  than everyone else at the least, and that is special. I am special.


Thank you Sean for reminding me that all I need to do is believe. And if I can't do that, all I have to do is "act as if" until I can drag the positive truths about me out into the open.