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Friday, September 16, 2011

Scaredy Cat

It's Friday night and I have the weekend to think about. I don't want to make the mistake of planning so many things to do along the lines of 'being good' that I wake up overwhelmed by my well intentioned honey do list and crash and burn into a stack of pancakes and butter. But now that I am working 9-5, I really don't want to waste my weekend being afraid of failing, so instead I will play my common sense card and make lots of small decisions that will add up to a good weekend.  I am starting tonight by not eating for 3 hours before bed time. That has been critical for me in the past. I know that going to bed on an empty stomach helps the immune system function better, and I want this wonderful machine I walk around in to have a good chance. That's part of the reason I want to be losing weight isn't it? Lightening the load so my poor bones and joints can have some relief.

Instead of 'getting away' with eating what I think I want this weekend (comfort food) as I spend much of the days alone, I will instead plan a couple of positive things so that I can eat what my body craves - greens - and find ways to keep moving and stay away from the mental traps that are ready to snap shut on my willpower.

My clothes were so tight today I was uncomfortable at work, having to adjust everything every time I stood or sat - what a pain! I remember this time last year, and how wonderful it felt to be able to come home in my jeans, and not have to change immediately into sweats to be comfortable. I remember what it felt like to have choices in my drawers and closet. And I want to feel that way again. Just 20 of the 50 pounds I want to lose and I can have those things back again; the 20 pounds I spent the last year gaining.

In a week it's Joey's birthday, and while I know there will be a great temptation to listen to the little voice inside saying WTF and eat myself sick - I won't. I liked what I read in Sean's blog this evening about being able to stand at the edge and take a couple of steps back. I will keep that in mind as I make 'good choices' this weekend.

Humour for the day, adding the word blog to the spell check dictionary as I write in my blog!

Goals tomorrow - review the simple and effective eating habits I was following last year about this time. I remember when I fell off the wagon and hit the ground gobbling. It was the huge bag of Halloween candy someone brought into the office. It was a hard time for me; working two part time jobs to the tune of about 45 hours a week at about minimum wage for the first time in over a decade, and dealing with grief for the first time in public as the holidays approached. And I dove into that candy bowl like it was oxygen and I was working on the moon.  This year will be different, the first day candy shows up - and it will- I will spend my lunch at the store picking out a bowl of fruit.

I don't feel manic, just positive, and I am hoping that being more consistent here will help me stay accountable out in the world....as I am sure I have written many times.  But this somehow feels different.  Starting weight, 205 pounds. I thought I would never see that again, and having seen it I am amazed at how long it has taken me to decide to do something about it. Why I didn't scream and start eating carrots at 199 I don't know; but then that is the power of depression - it can ignore anything.  So my food choices will be based around eating for health since I know that I can stave off the big D a little bit that way as well as help defray the damage from the little G (depression and grief if you weren't paying attention.)

Positive thoughts. A breath of fresh air after a pity party.  Ok, so maybe a little manic after the depressive. But it's all me, and tonight it's all good. And now, to bed.

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