Endings

Why are endings and beginnings so different? They are after all just part of the same thing. But I do think that how you begin something has a definite bearing on how you end it. Whether it's Love, or a Habit; a Job or a Hobby. When you rely on someone or something else to provide the impetus for action, when that person or thing shuts down, well, so do you. I guess. I have no clue how or why anything works or doesn't, and really, I guess my faith is pretty much in the toilet tonight. Faith in myself, in the universe at large, in Love.

I never imagined I would be who I am today.  I may have written about the day I was driving to school and listening to the radio. I heard someone say how they had wasted their life trying to figure out who they were and remember thinking, "that will be me."  How on earth could I have known - or at that moment did I decide my future. Do I wish I could go back and punch in another station before hearing those words? No. I haven't the energy to even think of starting over.

I loved reading that for a human life there is no control group. It's the one thing I can hang on to, that how I feel and grieve is just perfectly normal for me. But if that is true, how can I hate so much what I have become? I can feel barely a glimmer of light in my center screaming out, "I'm here, don't give up!"  Such a small and far away voice; a thought really, not even a sound. And so tiny.  But there it is, and I can't ignore it. I wish I could. I wish I could throw in the towel and just be who and what someone else needs me to be instead of being tortured daily by what I think I should have been. Lord knows I think I have fairly well slaughtered the hope of who I once thought I was.

I know I am loved, and valued, by at least a couple of people. I know deep down inside there is that girl who remembers how to love and smile. I just can't find her right now, and it's a very sad day.