I once postulated that the whole reason we are born into these bodies, into this world, is to figure out how to deal with change. It is, is it not, everything? It's all around us in every facet of our lives, yet we seem to fight it tooth and nail by instinct, from out deepest gut; at least I do, and I see those about me in the same turmoil. Even when change will most likely be for the better, for everyone concerned, we fight. I heard once that we cling to what we know, that misery with what we know is easier than the fright of the unknown. Heaven knows what little beasties are out there to torment us. So I decided that if change is such an intrinsic part of life for us here on this world we find ourselves in, and we are so bad at it, then we must be here to learn about it. Which begged the next question; what comes next that we have to be prepared to embrace change? Today, who cares. It's too bad there is no one in my life I can talk about it with, I would love to have some drinks and talk and ponder and ... but no one. A story for another day about yet something else that is my fault. Egads.
Back on topic. Here I am faced with a big upheaval in my life, a drastic change that I am not ready for, nor that I wish, well, maybe. Anyway, I've said the words and I feel .... awful. And the house is quiet. And the memory of a favourite book comes to me; something along the lines of...if you don't let someone know they have a choice, how can they make an informed decision? Why is it so hard to tell someone what you want, how you feel. Why is the very thought of hearing a no, or an argument, such a strong deterrent to sharing your thoughts? At this point there is nothing left to lose I guess, so maybe I will think about it. The problem is I don't really know what I want. Aren't I a little old to be so uncertain? Never the charging horse me, always the quiet one..."that's me in the corner." Right. Damn. And for two weeks I have been stuffing my face to make this icky feeling subside. Rats again.
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