I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but I did not do well today, and having an 'excuse' just isn't cutting it. I feel the internal pressure mounting, and can't seem to find the time and energy to disconnect and meditate to ease my way. I realize that the next couple of days I have choices, and I am not crazy about any of them. Sunday marks the 14th anniversary of Joey's Death Day. It never feels like it was yesterday anymore, it's in my past, but the guilt and pain rear their ugly heads and try to consume me at times.
I should work on my new neural pathways, and stick to my Bright Lines this weekend so that it's a learning experience that I can get through one day at a time making good choices even under duress. This leads to the self trust and respect that have been so lacking in my life. The saboteur whispers that it's just a couple of days, and to take what comfort I can from letting myself eat. I lost a son, that trumps everything doesn't it? And finally, the non-choice. Doing the best I can knowing slip ups will occur, and deciding ahead of time that I will forgive myself.
But the latter has steadily been becoming the new normal, and I am obviously not happy with myself, and for the 3rd Friday in a row I am dreading getting on the scale in the morning. I am, in fact, trying to talk myself out of it. Because I don't want the evidence in my face that I should have done better.
Have I really done the best I could this past week? I mean not counting today, because today is not something I feel good about at all. The fact that I feel this is awful says something about how far I have come from eating everything and anything I wanted over the past few years. I will say that those were important years, during which I didn't gain a ton of weight (just some) and learned that I can make healthy choices while not dieting.
(b) Cheesy southwest potatoes, orange
(l) Baked beans, roasted veggies
(s) Package of cinnamon Belvita breakfast wafers
(s) 1oz Cheese and 6 ritz crackers, handful of fritos, 1 See's chocolate heart
(d) Hot sausage link, roasted potatoes
I had come home early to watch C while the kids took A for a horseback riding lesson. Just getting home from work is a trigger for me to eat, and it was 2 hours until dinner. As usual when I break my bright lines, I was alone. C was still napping and I wanted to eat. To be specific, I wanted cheese and crackers and we are out of triscuits.
Susan speaks about foods that are addictive by nature, and I believe that cheese is at or very close to the top of the list. I've had a life long love affair with cheese, as have many, and being able to eat it on plan has been wonderful. But eating it as a snack is not acceptable, and I crashed through that bright line today full steam ahead. My good sense is telling me I need to back off the cheese - it has become too important.
The snack at work was another 'eat while alone' scenario. It's funny googling the ingredients and seeing the many ways sugar is listed while they are stating that it's a nutritious breakfast giving 4 hours of sustained energy. 'Food' advertising is insane.
Okay, enough self recrimination. I know what I need to do. I need to do the next right thing. And I need to figure out a way to remind myself of that in a continuous loop. I think I am going to set alerts on my phone over the long weekend with just that. Do The Next Right Thing. Like every 2 hours.
Mentally and physically exhausted, heart-sore and weary of the battlefield, I go to rest.
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