It has been an emotional day. The morning brought what I have been dreading all along; instead of losing I gained a pound. I like to think it was placing the scale in a different spot in the garage, but I know in my heart that isn't true. The past week was fraught with mistakes, Bright Lines bent and broken all to hell in a couple of places. All me, all my bad. And I have had a sad day. At one point I was snacking on cheezits, but at least it didn't turn into a full blown binge, just a smidge of a one, and I'm over it.
To compound my mood, I somehow found myself watching The Pharmacist on Netflix, and wouldn't you know it, it's about a man who lost his son; murdered while buying drugs. Maybe I was punishing myself, but I just kept watching. Watching a documentary about how addiction to Oxicontin, and the blowback that resulted in doctors going to jail led to heroin flooding our communities in 2016. The year Joey was killed while on his way to buy some. Depression set in, probably saving me from additional eating, but also wrecking what should have been a beautiful day.
It was sunny and clear out, and I should have been working in the yard. Or really doing anything but moping on the couch. But I didn't mean to vent, I just need to review the week and move on.
I wasn't on plan this past week. I thought I was most of the time, but looking back at my journal there were miss-steps everywhere. Skipping salads, adding grains, eating cookies. It's amazing how we can fool ourselves into thinking we are doing a good job while surrounded by evidence to the contrary. Our brains are so powerful, and can be so conniving. But I see what happened, how I had become too complacent and stopped paying attention to details.
This coming week I will win the little fights more often, and be back on track. The past couple of weeks have been so nuts at work I haven't been on the computer in the evenings enough; I need to get back to watching the Wednesday vlogs from Susan, and looking at Bright Line recipes for inspiration. While I don't want losing weight to take over my life completely, I do need to focus more right now. Focus on the positive, and taking care of myself for all of the future benefits I will reap.
(b) Cooked grains, tart cherries, pecans
(s) Cheezits, triscuits and sharp cheddar
(l) Meatball sandwich, pear
(d) Chicken, mixed veggies
I did make it to the store late this afternoon, and have groceries to make baked beans tomorrow, and a few dinners of sausage and roasted squash. I also have the rest of the rotisserie chicken to make either veg soup or stir fry.
God I'm exhausted. Not the good physically active kind, the emotionally wrung out type. Best to just go to bed knowing tomorrow will be better.
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