Down the pound I gained from last week plus another half pound to boot, despite the feeling that I left a trail of broken lines behind me in a trail of shame. I need to learn to trust myself, and that I am making the best decisions I can at the time. That was my survival mantra while learning to come to grips with Joey's death. Yes, that again, because that is ever present in my mind these days. In any case, I need to figure out a way to not drop into the pity pool at a moments notice, or at a bright line being broken more to the point.
I'm a little disappointed that I wasn't able to immerse myself into the online support that boot camp offers, but really, I get tired of the cheerleaders. I was looking for some honest conversation and gave up after a few weeks of trying to find a buddy. I am listening to all of the modules, and still love tapping into Susan's vlogs - they are my biggest source of inspiration. She is all about love & honesty, just what I need to hear everyday.
I still have a deep abiding hope that Bright Line Eating is curing my brain, that as I keep losing weight I will have the confidence and energy to immerse myself more deeply into the program as a whole. Meditation comes to mind as the most prevalent of tasks I have shirked during this process. I know this is important for will-power, as well as making a deeper connection to the me I can be. Well that sounded silly, but you know what I mean. That voice I have inside that puts up a fight when I do something I know is not the next right thing. I want that part of me to flourish, I want that wolf to thrive and need to start feeding it better. How was that for packing in the cliches?!
(b) Cheddar cheese, whole wheat ritz crackers, apple
(l) Black-eyed knockwurst veggie soup, apple
(d) Chuck steak, stir fry veggies roasted in sesame oil, salad
I haven't had dinner yet, but the veggies are in the over roasting and the steak is marinating in Tamari; it's going to be delicious. I worked a half day at the office and stopped for groceries on the way home. I was alone at the office and did NOT eat anything except the lunch I had packed. I did have flour with breakfast, but considering I was out of Triscuits and had almost talked myself into driving through Mickey D's I think I made the right choice between the two evils. That was my bad for not cooking oats as I intended to do earlier in the week.
I now have eggs to bake with cheese and green chilies for breakfast tomorrow. Depending on if the family shares there may be leftovers. But I'm also going to cook a batch of grains this weekend so that breakfast is taken care of all week. I'll cook another batch at Mom's next weekend; I know she eats oatmeal most mornings so we can share.
I'm feeling good. I may just focus on this and not write tomorrow. We'll see. One Day at a Time and all that. The comfort movie of the day will be Frozen II; we all loved it in the theatre and are ready to see it again. Movies and death, another family tradition.
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