When I began Bright Line Eating (BLE) I was weighing once a week, and this lasted 24 weeks. Then I began only weighing when I felt 'lighter'. At my year anniversary I knew I was stalled and opted for only weighing once a month to focus on the Bright Lines instead of 'The Number'. And finally last week on 12/26 I committed to weighing daily as part of my plan to stay accountable to myself. One cannot say I haven't tried when it comes to the dreaded scale. If once a day doesn't seem to be productive, then finally I can release the scale to the garbage bin. I think. Below is a recap of my BLE progress to date as noted in my paper journal.
232.6 10.6.19 Day One; down from all time high of 239 point something
215.0 1.25.20 -17.6; lost about 1# per week in the first 16 weeks
206.0 7.18.20 -26.6; lost another 9# over the next 6 months
202.0 1.1.21 -30.6; down 3.4# in the past week since weighing daily
So in the beginning I was losing slow and steady about 1# a week. In February I had a 'triggering event' and started eating at night. In the wee hours of the morning to be more precise as it was usually after midnight, and usually around 3am. I only lost half a pound between then and May. And while this seems dismal at best, it was then that I became aware of my parts, especially my rebel and isolator parts - famous stars of food addicts everywhere. This gave me the motivation I needed to join Bright Line Freedom, a huge step for me, and my IFS parts work began. Desperate to succeed, I finally bit the bullet and put myself out there to find support. And despite the howling of my isolator I persevered until I found a master mind group that accepted me. And this has been the biggest blessing in my weight loss journey to date, well, other than BLE itself. These women understood, and empathized to a degree that amazed me. As we saw ourselves in each other and grew to really know that we were not alone, not crazy, and in the right place doing the right work to overcome our demons, I began to gain confidence. I began to do the work.
Doing parts work created lots of drama, and I began to break my lines more often, and not just at night anymore. For the first time since starting BLE the urges to binge were resurfacing. But the teachings were about self compassion, and I took them to heart, and stopped beating up on myself so much. I learned to pause, and question the impulses to eat brought forward by my parts, and I stopped breaking my lines during the day.
And then I stopped breaking my lines at night, for days at a time before stress would once again rear it's ugly head. And at one of these junctures I made the decision to become accountable. To really look at my own actions, and bring them into alignment with the full BLE program. Because there is more to it than just not eating sugar and flour, more to it than not snacking and weighing my food.
So here I am, focusing on making new routines automatic, as I should have done from the beginning. But I had to learn, I had to muddle my own way through the best I could. And the fact that I have maintained my weight loss and even continued to lose, albeit very slowly, I am counting as a big win in my book.
I have to admit that I am surprised by losing over 3# this past week since making the decisions to be accountable, to weigh everyday, to use my nightly checkoff list. Because there is still a part of me that doesn't believe I can ever be in a right sized body, a part of me that hasn't 'come all the way in and sat all the way down.' The part that dreams of pizza and cheesecake and coffee ice cream. But I can learn to live with that part, get to know her, and love her, and integrate with her to the point that she is no longer a distraction. That she too can live and think just one day at a time, and lower her voice as she learns it doesn't serve us.
Last New Years I think it was when Susan's vlog was about not making resolutions that revolve around goals, but to instead make them about the actions that will fulfill those goals. I feel that is what I did last week, and I hereby reaffirm them this morning, the first day of 2021. I will continue to refine and make relevant my nightly checklist, adding items that are to my benefit and encourage health and automaticity. This includes getting outside every day and moving my body, and meditating each day to soothe my mind, and eating lots of greens to express the right genes in my DNA. And for at least the rest of January it includes weighing everyday.
These are not all of the items on my list, so far there are nine, and my intentions heading into the new year are to be accountable. To show up and do the work. Because while I have often berated myself for being lazy, it's just not true. Whenever there is a specific job to be done I am the hardest of worker bees. I am realizing that all of my lazy tendencies revolved around my food addiction, and the fog I was walking around in caused by sugar & flour inflaming those tendencies. That is not who I am. Not anymore.
Being rather clear of mind this morning after a productive week and a bright night, it's easy to look back and see the path I have struggled forth on for most of my life, and I can see clearly why it has been so difficult to navigate. But that is only a brief flash of acknowledgement for what has been and cannot be changed; a nod to the trials and tribulations that brought me here. My focus this morning is on today, and on making it another step forward on this new path I am forging.
And I must say, that at least for this morning, it's looking pretty good out there.
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