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Saturday, November 17, 2012

Holiday Blues

I know our lives are the sum of the decisions we've made along the way. But I didn't intend to end up alone so much, and I'm not sure how this happened. It's always been hard to put myself out there - to be social and connected - so really it shouldn't surprise me that this is where I am right now.

It's just sad when I think of the big round Thanksgiving table that my grandparents would set up each year, and how we filled that table up, and how this year it's just me. I am the one who moved hundreds of miles away from my parents house and my siblings. I am the one who divorced my husband, then lost both him and our son. I am the one who said no when invited to go with my daughter and her extended family for the day. It was all me, and it just hurts tonight.

This is not how I intended things to turn out. And while I have many things to be grateful for, at the moment I can't seem to assign any significance to them. Really, it's just all too pathetic, or rather, I am. At least for now. For just a moment.

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