I figured out today that part of the reason I have been feeling so down, is that I am feeling badly for both of us. It's not just a big self pity pool, but a pity pool in general and large enough for both of us to fit. Somehow that helped put things into perspective today, and after a really challenging day at 'work' I finally achieved some semblance of calm as I arrived home and was actually glad to be there. It felt so strange to feel 'normal' for a spell - no overwhelming despair, no demons of helplessness roosting on my shoulders - just a 'peaceful easy feeling' that let me feel as though, for that moment, I belonged in the world and everything was okay.
I hadn't quite realized how constant my state of stress has been. I knew I had been eating compulsively, and for the most part hiding from the world, but this time when the cloud lifted it felt different. Like underneath it all I had become different - sort of forged into something new.
Of course typing this I see that it's just a manic episode on the rise. Oh well. It was nice. This usually doesn't happen at the end of the day, I wonder if it will extend into my dreams - and maybe they will be good ones.
But I'm adding the label 'Manic' - I may as well start tracking how often this upward swing happens. Just in case, say, a Dr. were to ask I could pull up my blog and search under Manic and TaDa - there would be a detailed record chronicling my craziness.
As I like to say, "I'm just sayin"!
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