I was going to continue on, maybe through a year, of keeping sugar out of my life. But today was too hard, and I am too emotional. Having dessert is not such a catastrophe, but the fact that actually eating it was not planned and instead was an emotional response makes me a little nuts.
I had dessert boxed up to take home to the Family, along with a couple of slices of excellent pizza for A, and it sat safely in the car while I finished up at work. Which included a stressful conversation with the boss. Driving home I of course thought of a million things I should have said, all unproductive and unrealistic. I thought of a variety of emails I might send excusing myself from work the rest of the week. I thought of explaining that if I was not doing an adequate job and all of a sudden needed to be micromanaged then perhaps he should find someone else who would work for his paltry wage and endure his endless slights.
I was not hungry, and not tempted to eat on the way home from this meeting. In tears, pissed off, mad about being so affected by his pettiness when it is not worthy of my attention or stress. It's just a fucking job, no more and no less; it pays the mortgage.
But on the way home I had a text, could I please pick up A, and arriving at daycare (who is also a friend) I saw that it would be less intrusive if I came back in an hour, so instead of bringing home treats to the Fam instead I came home to a quiet empty house and ate everything myself. The pizza, the dessert, the left over french bread with butter. Big sad frustrated sigh. It's hard realizing I will probably never grow up and be anything but an emotional eater. But it's so difficult to work hard and find I am in the end neither valued for my dedication nor trusted to do my job adequately.
Now I have to go pick up A and pretend I am ok. I can do this. For her I can do this.
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What a train wreck. When I picked up A she was upset, there had been a Wii fiasco with another child and she was close to tears, and really pissed off. Sound familiar? Well, she didn't want my comfort, which devastated me and when we arrived home she took my hand to make sure we were good; and of course we were. Once inside she had a snack, and we watched a couple of episodes of Pippi Longstockings while we both calmed down; A on my lap as I sat on the floor, her feet on mine and my arms wrapped around her as she clutched me with her strong little arms. I think we depend much on each other and the love we share against the cruelties of the world. Then came homework and a bit of reading, and finally R is home and I can sneak quietly away to brood, play solitaire and listen to my story.
I am sure not many like the emotional ups and downs a day can bring that leave one thoroughly exhausted. It just seems like maybe I have paid my dues and that there could be some peace in my life. Truly, there is no rest for the wicked.
Tomorrow I will start again on my quest to rid my body of excess sugar. I am also once again ready to say goodbye to meat. If I have to drive through for decaf sometimes so be it, but no sausage. No bacon. No more subsidizing cruelty to animals.
And on that positive note, I am off.
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