I was browsing back to this time seven years ago and reading my entries was...like looking at another life, another version of myself. Kaylee was still a puppy, I was riding my bike five miles or more a day, shooting my bow every day training for the senior games and weighing in the 180's. God I miss that girl. BUT, I was looking for work, close to losing the house, my retirement used up, and in a dysfunctional relationship. (It's hard to fall out of like before you fall out of love - assuming that part happens.) So where would I rather be, here or there? I would rather be here, being able to do the things I did then. Which is possible. I have to believe that. My bow is gathering dust in the garage, my bike less so as the kids sometimes borrow it, and I am struggling to convince myself everyday that I am a cow. Wait - that is fifty first dates - I am struggling to convince myself everyday that I am worthy, that I can whittle myself down until I meet my inner athletic body, that I care.
I suppose that as long as there are more good days than bad I will eventually get there. I can see it now - in the senior games at 70! I would be much happier if it would happen sooner, and so I try and try and try.
Have I mentioned my Thyroid? Signing on to Kaiser I discovered that after a 2nd blood workup the Dr. had prescribed me a pill, but somehow I did not receive the notification. My office mate says this is a magic pill, that her hubby lost forty pounds in just a few months. But he is young and works out and has a physical job to boot. But wouldn't it be nice if it were magic? If all this lethargy of the past six months or so had an explanation, and a solution. I guess I'll find out; the script should be here later this week. Please let me feel like myself again and not walking - or sitting - around in a cloud.
This is the end of my first fourteen days off sugar - at least mostly. I think I do feel a little better if I discount all the difficult days in between and think back to before day one. I'm not snacking at night like I was, not stopping for fast food on the way home from work (well, just a couple times) and spending more time prepping food to eat at home. We did have dessert several times, so it wasn't truly a Sugar Detox, more of a leaning away from the demon. So yes, there is a difference in my behavior, and I am doing better. I plan to improve my choices over the next fourteen days even more, seeing that my urges have lessened, and craving control more than food. And not really control so much as the vanishing of the urges all together. I can prepare healthy food when not bowed down by thoughts of all things bad.
So I am counting my experiment a success, and will continue on tomorrow with day 15/28. Go Me.
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