Yesterday was sad learning about my Uncle, and hearing from Mom that she misses me, and taking inventory of my life. Focusing on the bright bits, my daughter and her little family, a steady job with a window looking out on pines and geese honking their greetings to the spring, I counted my blessings and rested much of the day. In light of everything my sugar detox becomes insignificant and petty, and I berate myself for whining and struggling with something so mundane. The reality is my granddaughter wanting to snuggle, and play a game, and make a book. My daughter there to hug me when she sees I am sad. These moments are so precious and I hold on to them.
But I am what I am, and today it is clear that if I keep hating that I will never get better. I have always believed in karma, and energy cycles - that we are responsible for creating them, positive or negative - and I have to believe that I am capable of the former. I have to believe that the girl who looked at the world with Pollyanna eyes is still here and can be dominant. That the mistakes, real or imagined, only have the power I give to them. I have to stop feeding the beast, and instead begin nurturing all of the good and wonderful and beautiful that there is in life. It doesn't matter that it is small, it is mine and worthy of attention.
Do I still see sugar as a demon? Well, yes. I know from the erratic emotions and sleep patterns and ups and downs of the past couple of weeks that my sugar intake is related to how I feel and act and react to all that is around me. So, another day, and then another two weeks. But with the devastating feelings of yesterday I am filled with renewed purpose to be healthy.
Depression is like slowly sinking into quicksand, and you may not notice until all of a sudden there is a stick in front of your eyes and you realized that you had better reach out and hold on and allow yourself to be pulled free of the suction. It is not usually something you can do alone, you need someone or something at the other end of the stick.
May the force be with me.
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