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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

A Falling Down Hard Day

I've been coming off a year of meds for my back pain, and after a week, today I felt different. To treat nerve pain they gave me anti-anxiety meds, and each day not taking that little pill I feel a little more..on edge. Not anxious, just feeling too much. About too many things, and tonight I have to release some of that or go mad. It's the birthday of my ex, gone these ten years or so, and signing on to FB and seeing his face staring out at me was the last straw on this camels back. So now I am hiding in my room listening to the worst season EVER of American Idol.

So many years, so many different pains, my granddaughter crying in the other room - I cracked. I left. I hide.

I try I try I try and I fail. In so many ways. But of course there is no giving up, there is just my tight painful throat and the knowledge that it won't kill me.

A has been singing (well, not today) a lot of "Let it Go" from Frozen. All my work and reading and putting on a brave face and I still haven't figured out how to do that (the letting go part.) Stupid is as Stupid does. Whatever.

Tired, so tired, and here I am yet again whining. So many blessings in my life, so much to be grateful for, all of it so buried beneath this miasma of ... yuck. Come on Pollyanna, where are you girl?  She peeked her head out during our couple of days of glorious sunshine, but ran away to hide from the grey and damp when they returned.

Finally a big cleansing breath. I will try writing again tomorrow and focus on the positive. We are what we think - and since light and gay don't come naturally I need to get back to work. Shaking my head at myself I say good night.

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