Once upon a time...there was a woman who fell in love. At first glance there was a spark, and years later she would wonder if this was a sign it was meant to be or a warning. After a fairly quick 'courtship' that resulted in a pregnancy, they were married and soon parents of a beautiful little girl. Three years later they were joined by a little boy, and while it had become apparent that the young man she had married was an addict, she so wanted her little family that she stayed and tried to make it work. A dozen years after that, she gave up and asked her husband to move out and filed papers to divorce. At that point in time she had been celebate for six years, sleeping most nights alone in the bedroom while he arrived home inebriated and nodding off from his heroin or codeine or whatever the flavour of drug had been that day, only to pass out on the couch. Or in the chair.
She loved her kids, and reflecting back on her life she would realize that raising her kids had been the most joyful part of her life, and she wouldn't change a thing because whatever she had or hadn't done in her past, it had brought these little angels into her life. But the divorce was hard on everybody, as it is wont to do, and while she was lonely and frustrated, it was the children who bore the brunt of the separation. For that she was sincerely sorry, because ultimately it influenced how her daughter saw relationships, and led to an early death for her son. Of course she couldn't know that for sure as there is no control group for a life, but in her heart she knew.
So after fifteen years they finally divorced, and craving companionship, she headed out into the world, looking for love in all the wrong places. She was heavier now, but met a man who made her feel her curves were beautiful. So beautiful, it turns out, that he wanted to introduce her to the world of S&M, and share her curves in that arena of domination and submission. In her defense, she was so tired of being in control herself that the idea of submitting to another's will was very seductive. After all, she had been mesmerized by the Story of O, and read Anne Rice's trilogy of erotic fiction with much enjoyment. She did not go blindly into this dark night, and wanting to please her new man did many things she would later wonder about.
But this story is about one particular memory of hers, and the feelings she endured instead of just saying enough. They had gone to a party, and met a wonderful couple much like themselves, and decided to meet up later for a lunch date. She had been much without friends since her divorce, and having another woman to talk with was wonderful. So they met for lunch, and afterwards while they were laying on the beach, chatting in the sun, the men decided it was time to become more intimate. While she liked these new friends well enough, she didn't really know them yet, and wasn't interested. Her man let her know in no uncertain terms how disappointed he was in her, and how she had led them all on. Yes, she should have been more savvy. Yes, she knew the possibility was there, but thought friendship would come first, and then sex. So naïve she was.
On the drive home she felt humiliated, and used, and really pissed off that she was being made to feel this way. This was not her first rodeo, she had more experience in this arena than he did, but she had her own values and perspectives that she now saw he didn't share. For him it was just the sex, Period. How disappointed she was, and disillusioned about everything. It was the beginning of the end, but there are many kinds of love, and there were many beautiful things in her life; it was years before she finally gave up. It would take the death of her son to finally drive them apart, and even then it took years for the distance between them to build as her heart hardened against the world and she became the proverbial ice queen in bed.
Looking back at her past, she could see that another part had been born on that long ago drive home from the beach, a protector that would allow her to go on living in a relationship she knew was doomed. A part who knew that feelings could be squashed down with food. And another fifteen years was gone.
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