I think the cold weather is making me more hungry than usual, so dinner was early today. I keep telling myself it will just make for a longer fasting window tonight, assuming there is no snacking involved. I'm struggling a little with my body, because I'm feeling a little smaller, which historically is a trigger for me to eat. I'm hoping my new tools will get me through this; focusing on gratitude, being curious about why I feel like eating, and taking time to meditate even if it's for just a few minutes at a time each day.
I understand the connection, being in a right sized body has led to disaster in my past. Attracting the wrong sort of attention, being taken advantage of and even being abused at various times in my life. And not just when I was younger, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, the older type of 'abuse' was just as devastating. Why I think it's time to write about this now I don't know. Maybe because this isn't a place my family will drop by and so I feel like it's a safe place to put some of it out in the world and maybe confront some old hurts. But I'm not sure where to start. Maybe tell it like a story, or a series of stories, and maybe find some peace in the telling.
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Once upon a time...there was a young girl who met an artist at her first year at college. He made her feel special in a new and exciting way, and by the end of the school year they had become very close. As usual, at the end of the term she left the city to spend the Summer in the mountains with her family. The Summers were where she felt like herself, where she was confident and had friends. But this Summer was to be different, and would change her life forever.
It was a trifecta for change, everything coming together in a force of nature that would push her out of her life and into the unknown. The first was discovering she was pregnant when she miscarried. The first of many throughout her life as it would turn out, but this first one was painful in more ways than one. The doctor she went to was brutal, doing a D&C without anesthesia and letting her know how irresponsible she had been. The second was going to a party with friends who were wanting to cheer her up, but the friends ended up drunk, and she stayed the night with them until they could drive her home in the morning. This was before cell phones, and the party house didn't have a phone line she could use, so of course everyone was worried about her and she knew she would be in much trouble when she got home.
No one was at the house when she arrived back to the lake, so she called over to their friends to speak to her mother, who simply asked when she was going to get the rest of her things. Incredible. So she did get her things. She packed up her clothes, and ransacked the kitchen for two each of plates, glasses, and silverware and left with her friends never looking back.
She had been working and saving to buy a special guitar, but instead used this money to drive north with one of her friends to first Berkeley, and then on to San Francisco where she settled for a few years. This was a lonely time at first; finding work and a place to live. Humboldt House in SF was where she landed, a shared residence popular in the seventies, and where she met the man who would later take her to hot tub parties in Sausalito and introduce her to Swing Parties. She had always known she was attracted to women as well as men, and for the first time in her life found herself enjoying the attentions of both.
But the parties weren't enough for this new man, and he wanted more from her, and it is one of these nights she remembers with humiliation and anger. He had purchased her some very lacy and very sexy underthings, and one night asked her to model a slinky apricot slip. She didn't know he had ordered pizza, and when the doorbell rang she was asked to answer the door. Flustered and unsure of herself, she was too embarrassed to refuse, after all she had been pretending to be a woman of the world hadn't she? So she answered the door while the man slipped down the hallway to watch from the shadows. But then she had to pay for the pizza, and looking around for her purse saw it had been placed on the floor at the far end of the couch, and that she was going to have to bend over to reach it.
Feeling betrayed and confused, she tried to pick up her purse as gracefully as possible, and when she turned around found that the delivery man had followed her into the room, and as she turned around he forced her to the couch. He knew an invitation when he saw it, a pretty young girl with no underwear on under her slip could only mean one thing. The weight of him was a hot and heavy pressure on her back as he laid her down on her stomach. Realizing what was about to happen, she yelled to stop and struggled to get off the couch. But he was strong, and there was no help coming from down the hallway. 'Hold still and it won't hurt' he said, 'This way it's safe for you'. But she had always been stronger than most girls, and was able to finally get away before he penetrated her. Angry and humiliated, one would think that would be the end of this relationship. But instead she ate pizza until she passed out after hearing false apologies ad nauseum. It was just the first of a series of experiences that would shape her life. Swing parties, nude beaches, and finally the move across the bay from San Francisco to Pleasant Hill.
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I think of that 19 year old girl, alone in San Francisco, working to keep her head above water, and I send her love. And forgiveness for being naïve while trying to act like a grown up. The boyfriend had been eleven years my senior, but I had always seemed old for my age, and was sort of proud about that I think. Much to my detriment of course. It was during these years that we did a photo shoot for a book, "Meditations of the gift of sexuality". It was done through the San Francisco Institute of Sexuality, and some of the pictures also ended up in a college text book. I think I was in my forties when I realized I didn't want my children to come across the book and I threw it out. Later I would regret that, but finding it listed online for sale I have never purchased it. I have some strong memories from that time, and may need to write more about them later.
I think that during the pizza experience, a part was born in me. A protector to shield me from the strong emotions so I could survive. At this point we had rented an apartment together, and I was not anxious to start out on my own again, so I adapted to survive.
Exhausted, I need some Tulsi Tea and a Hallmark movie - my drugs of choice at the moment.
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