One month later and I hardly know where to begin. Maybe with this morning and then backtrack.
I awoke early about 5am, which is not unusual, and made the decision to NOT get up and play ACNH on the Switch. Instead I nestled in, got comfortable, and pulled an old mantra out of my pocket. "Om namah shivaya" I let my breathing deepen, and patterned it to my internal chanting, focusing on just my breath. Immediately my mind cleared to a starry field over a calm ocean; I lay there breathing and chanting, everything about my breath and the words. When thoughts arrived, I floated them away, away, away....until I couldn't. All of a sudden I was counting the years since Joey died, doing double the arithmetic in my OCD say to confirm my number was correct. 14 years, 15 come February. I let the pain wash through me and tried to quiet my mind and just feel. Years of intentionally dampening are hard to overcome, and I only lasted a few minutes before I had to jump up and start the day. But it was a good beginning, and tomorrow I will try again. I am going to meditate each morning from now on, because it's time.
It's time to start the self care practices that will help me achieve a Bright life, a Bright body, a Bright mind.
It's been building all month, doing parts work in BLF, meting with the wonderful women in my Master Mind group, and coming to grips with the fact that if I don't do the work, I'm not going to get better. I'm not going to heal in a meaningful way. And isn't that the goal? Yes. That's a definite Yes.
For so long I've kept bright lines during the day only to fall into shadow come the witching hour; this adds up to maintenance. I've kept off the 25 pounds lost since starting Bright Line Eating. But when Everett (our BLF teacher) said the parts work may cause some of us stress, I feel he was speaking to me. Just the idea of 'having to do the work' was overwhelming and parts of me came forward to dismiss the whole notion, voicing all of the negative feedback in an attempt to overthrow my intentions to follow this program.
It was hard, the midnight snacks became fourth meals, and all of a sudden I was breaking my lines during the day too. A bite here, a snack there; maybe an extra serving of cheese and triscuits or a handful of french fries left over from Cal's lunch. I felt it happening, the loss of control, the old demons chattering away in my head, but I couldn't stop. Last night it all culminated in what I can only think of as a binge. First the cake pops out of the fridge, then the left over carrot cake cupcakes from the counter, and finally the chocolate donnettes from the cupboard. WTF!! I just sat on the edge of my bed and thought how horrible it was that I could let my body do that. Because certainly it wasn't something I could do on purpose was it? But it was on purpose, and sitting there feeling the heaviness of my belly I remembered the years of doing just that - to load up on processed carbs to sedate myself. But this time I just looked at just the parts that were involved, and didn't blame myself at all. Instead I tried to analyze what I had done in the light of the parts work I have been doing.
I think I've finally accepted that feelings are felt in the body, not the mind. All those years I thought I was putting myself to sleep so I wouldn't think (which is also true) but it was mostly the lead in my belly so that I wouldn't feel - that was probably the real goal. Now that I am doing parts work, I realize that I have a strong narrator (hence the blogging) that works to protect me, and that this is the part that justifies all of the behaviors that have kept me fat. The absolute worst of it were those times I actually believed that I just didn't care. I remember saying that, saying very defiantly, that it's okay because I really just don't care, always before a badly made decision, while a small part of me way deep down inside would raise a tentative hand and whisper, "oh, but you do, you know." But this time I was aware of that part, and I listened.
I think last night was sort of a breaking point; the coming together of an action I didn't feel like I had sanctioned, analyzed by what could only be my own true self, and the resulting meditation this morning as an immediate plan of action.
I hear it all the time, 'you need to come all the way in, and sit down.' This morning I feel like I have at least entered the room and picked out my chair.
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