It was a quiet busy day at work, with a smattering of fires to put out. Upon seeing the box of bakery brownies in the kitchen at work, I took a moment to think about them. The same vendor sends the same thing each year, and I have a distinct memory of eating them despite not being terribly impressed. That made it easy to ignore them. Then in the afternoon I noticed a cupcake on someones desk; another team member had brought in a banana-chocolate chip muffin to share. Another easy no.
I didn't have an appetite this morning. I had soaked oats and strawberries with pecans in milk the night before, and heated them up in the microwave at work, but just didn't feel like eating so closed them back up for tomorrow's breakfast. Just in a bit of a funk I think.
(l) meatballs, green beans, roasted turnip and onions
(d) lasagna, broccoli salad
So as usual here I am, in my room, hungry, typing away before settling in for some TV. In the kitchen there are snacks galore, but I am more interested in Happy, Thin and Free than I am in cheating or sneaking or justifying having my breakfast at this late hour. Okay, not really late at 8pm, and over three hours since dinner. But I want my immune system working tonight, which it won't do if I am busy digesting food. So a hard pass on having breakfast.
I am watching a couple of the Bright Line Eating boot camp modules each night, and last night Susan was speaking about identity. I want what she has, to identify myself as someone who just doesn't eat flour and sugar. As someone who is living a life instead of wasting time obsessing about food; you know, the whole what, where and when of things that can take up most of the room upstairs at any given moment. I have a goal of doing this for a year, and if I continue to lose weight I'll switch to one plate of food instead of weighing everything. And see how that goes. I pretty much think I could do it now, but I want to hit some milestones first. I want to be under 200 lbs, and fit into size 16 jeans. Then I can stop weighing my food and test those waters.
I just need to keep watching myself make good decisions, and trust in myself to care. Year of pretending not to care, interspersed with long stretches of just really not caring, have done some damage to my psyche I think. But I do care now, and I want a future that doesn't include prescription drugs or a walker. I want to be a person who has time to paint, and write, and go on walks with my grandchildren. And I will be. I just need to keep doing this one day at a time until I arrive.
No comments:
Post a Comment