Here, let me show how NOT to do it

What a day. I am so disappointed. It was harder than yesterday, and I am really fighting to keep my calm. It's as though signing up for boot camp raised all of my defenses; think mule with hoofs planted firm. I Shall Not Move! Let my stubbornness reign! All of the optimism that has flowed through me for the past few months has abandoned me, leaving me mad and upended and distraught.

Take a deep breath, this will subside, it's just my Flight response in overdrive. Holy crap that almost rhymes.

I forgot to make oatmeal last night and woke up late this morning after laying awake until 1am and finally getting up and eating cookies; I had no fight left. Only three small ones, but still - flour AND sugar AND snacking. So no breakfast prepared as planned, and I grabbed a banana on my way out the door. And no lunch to pack because I forgot R used the last one - she told me, I just forgot to count. And I was half asleep getting ready for work in a hurry and didn't think to stop and measure out another meal from the larger container in the fridge. Grrr.

So I keep PB at work, and had some on my banana for breakfast. Did I mention I stopped for a decaf on the way to work? And thank heavens managed to escape without a breakfast sandwich. But I thought about it for a split second, and had to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT to get our of there clean.  I'm so mad at myself, my brain. It's as if some part of me is trying really hard to give up.

(b)  banana, PB - no grain
(l)  salad from Sprouts with quinoa, garbanzo beans, sunflower seeds, broccoli, carrots & tomatoes
(d)  chopped salad with ham, no cooked veggies

At work I ate half a cookie, and of course it wasn't even good. I also picked up three from a bakery box in the kitchen at work thinking the family would love them. Realizing how crazy it was for me to be taking cookies home I threw them away before leaving the office.

Then getting home - and they are making breakfast for dinner. PANCAKES, with POWDERED SUGAR and Fresh Squeezed Lemon juice. My favorite from childhood.  I put blinders on and started pulling veggies out of the fridge. I weighed out my salad, at least I had prepped a container of chopped veggies so it was easy to throw them on top of some lettuce then add in my sliced ham. Oh yea, the ham that was a present, has to be eaten, and has a sweet crust that I trim off. I know this is not on plan, but I am eating it anyway. A penny pincher, that is what I have become over the past year.

What is going on??? I feel like I am losing my mind. Why can't I surrender to this. Why am I so unwilling to accept today what felt so real and healing and positive two days ago?  I have to keep fighting, I have to believe this will pass. I am mad that this may in fact turn out to be just another lost opportunity. I hate that I am feeling stupid and willful; it's just wrong.