I am not a naturally social person. I can be if it's absolutely necessary, but it's not my wheelhouse so to say. Today I tried. I took the instant pot to work and made meatballs for our Worksgiving potluck. I last about ten minutes then headed back to my office. The office is full of great people and we work together well, but put me in a room with more than a few others and my flight reflex kicks in. I've been this way since childhood. School was a nightmare starting with Jr. High. Elementary school was awesome; there was a garden, I had friends, I was a good reader and the 2nd fastest runner, I loved my school and teachers. I hate to say it, but I think it was the Summer before Jr. High when I was first molested. Why have I never put that together? And is it linked? Big Sigh, there is no control group and I will never know. Never know if there was cause and effect, never know how my life would have been different, never know who I could have been.
Well that was some rabbit hole. No matter how I got here, I am who I am now. And wow, I didn't realize how much resentment I have. So many times I have felt the disconnect between what I could be and what I am, and most of the time I blame it on a learning disability - a disconnect in how my brain works. What if the disconnect is stress eating from molestation leading to food addiction and a life time of feeling like I am falling short of some unseen mark. What if my brain has been malfunctioning my whole life because I was what I ate. I have heard 'you are what you eat' my whole life, but never took the time to analyze it. Garbage in, garbage out, as we say in computing; why did I never think about this earlier? I think I am fairly smart, so why did the concept of eating for nutrition not sink into my little grey matter until my fifties?
ARghhhhh! Time for Bubble Guppies and snuggles with C. That I can deal with. I didn't break any Bright Lines today and my bra was too big around this morning and needed adjusting. Good Signs.
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