Taking a break from Saturday chores, and reviewing the Bright Line Eating plan that my Sis sent and I realize I have been doing this wrong. Not horrible wrong, but not on point. So for now I am going to start doing things a little differently. I've written the guidelines for each meal in my paper journal, and I"ll be referencing that each night when I plan my food for the next day. How I have managed to go almost a month just winging it is beyond me. But I am counting it as a transition period, and I got the important part right - no flour no sugar.
Speaking of which, there is a day I didn't write. I was up prowling in the kitchen, probably in the wee hours of the morning. C had woken me up crying - no excuse just how I woke up - I knew there were cookies for the taking in the kitchen. So I got up and took one. And ate it in bed. I guess I broke all three bright lines that night. I had pushed this to the back of my mind, determined to forget it I think. But it came back to me in a flash in the kitchen today, and the need to confess drove me here, to the place I think, to contemplate why I didn't write about it when it happened. And why I was hiding it. Why is the need to appear better than I really am so strong? Why am I not enough just as I am?
I know I am wonderful in some ways. I know I have been a failure in others. And coming to grips with that has been no easy thing, and there is still much angst involved in not being perfect, or even close. Bottom line for here and now, I will be more honest with myself; otherwise, what is the point?
So far today: (b) rice cakes, one with deviled egg and one with PB, 6oz grapes (l) 10oz salad, 1oz pepitas, 2.5 oz tri-tip, .5oz cheese, oil & vinegar dressing. A pink lady apple. So basically I have already had my two fats for the day, and need 10 more ounces of veg. with dinner. Having two salads a day, both with dressing (that I'm not measuring) isn't even on the maintenance program. My bad.
I think of all the leftover meatloaf and potatoes I've eaten in the past week and I'm afraid to get on the scale tomorrow. I did weigh them, keeping portions to 4oz, but I wonder when I started to stray from plan. Not that I really knew what the exact plan was, just going from hints in the book and online as to what I should be eating. But now I know, and will do a better job of keeping with the program. Because as much as I go on about healing my brain, the bottom line is that I want to lose weight. I want to feel athletic. I want to stop taking prescription drugs. And I want to wear cute jeans.
So many things I want, so many things I've wanted for so long. Please let this be real. Please let this change me for the better.
Heading outside to plant some Fall flowers.
Working in the backyard on a beautiful Fall day was wonderful. Except I tired out so quickly, and the rest of the planting will have to wait until tomorrow. But I got the lettuces in, and the raised beds prepped for flowers, and I watered the thirsty looking privet trees and helped clean up a bit. We are prepping for A's birthday party next weekend, and she wants S'Mores for dessert. So that means a fire pit and twinkle lights in the trees.
R made soup for dinner, with kale, potatoes, onions, and sausage then some cream to finish. The sausage was spicy so the soup was rich and warm. I added fresh asparagus for my veg. and called it a day.
I picked up some roasted turkey at the store earlier today and will use the rest of the asparagus to make stoup tomorrow. I plan on cooking another batch of my wild grain cereal mix so it's ready for weekday breakfasts next week, and prepping a tub of .salad so it's ready to go for dinners. I'm not sure what all of my lunches are going to look like yet. I know I want to make garbanzo bean lettuce boats for a couple of days, and maybe soup from the deli. I'll have to think about it some more tomorrow. I want to go back to how I ate veggies while eating for nutrition, and weighing out 2 pounds of veg in the morning. Then some is for salad and the rest is for cooking. That was my plan in the beginning so I'm not sure what happened.
I'm glad we gain an hour tomorrow, It will be nice to sleep in and still be up at a reasonable hour.
I don't like the chatter that is happening in my head. I don't like that I will weigh myself in the morning and let what I see dictate how I feel about myself. No matter what happens, I know I am looking forward to keeping to my Bright Lines for awhile longer. Through winter anyways, and probably a year at the least. But this is all based on a 12 step program, and true to the nature of that beast I think taking this a day at a time is the right idea.
Voyager has ended, again, and I am off to watch Next Generation and make notes for meal planning.
Plan to succeed and all that.
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