A small pity pool

Pea soup fog to begin the day, but I don't really want to talk about the weather.

I am wondering about how our eating becomes linked to emotions, and how our body processes messages and uses our chemistry and relays and receptors to manage our stress responses. I realize that it all probably hinges on self preservation somehow, and that there are millions of years of evolution working against me - us - in our attempts to determine our own well being.

I want to eat tonight, and it just plain pisses me off. I've had a wholesome nutritious dinner, I am warm and safe in our little house, the kids are full of love and attention. And I still want to eat. There are no holes to fill, I have no reason to feel this urge. And if someone sat down next to me with a chocolate cake I would eat the whole thing in a heartbeat.

It's maddening, frustrating, and just so ridiculous. Vent over.

(b)  salami, triscuits, grapes, strawberry
(l)  Lentils, roasted Brussels Sprouts, onions, carrots, half a large apple
(d)  Turkey meatballs in spaghetti soup, roasted carrots and red potatoes with butter

No snacks, no spoonfuls of sour cream or sprinklings of Parmesan cheese. Maybe this is why I am hungry; I wasn't aware of how many times a day I was adding in calories. Now I am focusing and trying to do better so I can see better results. Part of me is thrilled I have kept off the ten pounds I lost, and part of me is kicking myself that it's not 15 by now.

But this afternoon, leaving work hungry, and knowing I wasn't going to stop for fast food...well it just made me mad. To not have what I want, to feel deprived; I just wanted to indulge in a child's tantrum. But if I'm going to feel horrible, I'd rather it be from trying than from feeling fat and helpless.

Remember, there are lots of smart dedicated people who can't lose weight. People just like me who can't control their eating urges. That's the whole point of this, to escape that rat race, to be 'free' of the irrational urges. I just want it now. I want to stop feeling this way now. Okay, so maybe the vent isn't quite over.

Night time herbal tea, here I come. If I had a tub large enough I would soak and listen to my book.