I have run the gamut of emotions this morning, feeling both elated and humble by turns, because I saw 218 on the scale this morning. I cannot remember the last time I was under 220. But of course I did not step on the scale once, but three times this morning, and I am paying the price by using 219 as my weight today. 1) pajamas, sweater & slippers, 221.2 2) just pajamas, 218 3) pajamas & slippers, 219.4 - so I am thinking these little slippers do not weigh over a pound, and I am recording 219 as my official weight today; my punishment for playing games with the scale? Was seeing 218 too intense?
Who knows what the number would have been if I had taken the sweater and slippers off first and just stepped on the scale once. If it hadn't been so cold I probably would have kept getting back on until I saw the 218 again, but I caught myself, pulled my sweater back on, and headed inside to the lovely warmth of our cozy little home.
But the 218 is staying in my head, and I am down just about 15 pounds in ten weeks. That's 1.5 lbs a week on average - smack in the middle of the average weight loss zone for Bright Line Eating. And during a holiday season! I remember so many times in my sordid weight loss past, stepping on the scale and being disappointed after having a 'perfect' week of eating, and this morning my feelings of dread before weighing were a reflection of those failures. So seeing a loss after a week of being less than perfect is awesome. And confirmation that I am on the right track.
Normally I post at night, and log what I have eaten for the day, but as I commit to my food the night before I feel confident that what I post now will be exactly what I eat today.
(b) hot cereal, banana
(l) knockwurst, roasted veggies (butternut squash, carrots, onions, tomatoes)
(d) roast, onions, peppers; salad w/ snap peas, cauliflower, green onions, vinaigrette
So the week was full of determination to stick to my Bright Lines, and while I had to fight many battles, I was able to win most of them - writing here or praying or listening to Susan's vlog were all tools I wielded as swords against my saboteur. And knowing that as my brain continues to heal, the battles will become easier to manage, is a wonderful feeling. There is a huge difference between maintaining a diet and managing a disease. The latter is doable, the former is not.
I know myself well enough to realize that if I had not seen a loss, the leftover sugar cookies still sitting on the baking sheet in the kitchen this morning would be goners. Instead, I eyed them while fixing my coffee, and said, "No Thank you" as I went on about my business.
My business; the project of healing my brain, of getting into a right sized body, of feeling good about myself and setting a good example. Loving myself has been a challenge since losing Joey, it's hard to forgive myself for the multitude of sins that contributed to his death. But I swore I would not let my food addiction lead to my death - a promise to the heavens that I feel I can finally keep. And that means the world to me. Where ever in the world you are Susan P.T., I thank you this morning for giving me this path, and I thank my sweet Sister for pointing the way. Thinking back on that promise I made, I realize that I knew back then, what - almost 14 years ago?, that I was a food addict. And here I am, finally learning how to manage that disease.
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