A little vent

Yesterday was hard, as my Monday's tend to be. By the time I had finished my morning work I was needed out front to watch C so R could get herself ready for work. Then C was a chatterbox all day and never took a nap. Then it was back into my office\bedroom to work some more, and I never did get around to journaling. Instead I listened to the next video in Susan's Rezoom Reframe series for Bright Line Eating. There is a part of me that wants to take the class, but if I am too tired and busy to take a minute to journal how am I going to take a class? Well, the obvious answer is that I am not. And as I have already taken steps to implement the basics I feel that is enough for now.

I'm already in a better place than I was, and it feels like really it's just my brain defect that is holding me back. It's easy to blame my unreliable memory when I eat in the middle of the night instead of doing my parts work. I wonder this morning why I didn't just open my Marco Polo app and record a message instead of going to the kitchen. Or meditate, or journal, or just friggin breathe through it. But I remember the feeling of last night. The not caring, the way I moved on auto-drive, the pleasure of lying in bed with a snack while listening to my book.

That is probably the crux of it, I have no deeply personal pleasure in my life right now aside from loving my family. C's snuggles and A's quick hugs are blessings to me, but pleasure? The short walks I am taking during the day usually bring something beautiful to my eye, but I think the pleasure I would normally derive from that is countered by the pain in my body. Yesterday the pain was in a new place, below my hips on the outside of my thighs, and every step was painful. Poor C, wanting to race and me unable to do more than hobble along after him. Wow, it's pretty depressing just thinking about it, and I want to cry.

Deep Breath! I will not start my day this way. More deep breaths and I am ready to go on after smearing the few tears away - see, why didn't I just do that last night? Because this morning I care, and last night I didn't. It's that simple.

Yesterdays Food:

B: Oatmeal, PB & flaxmeal, blueberries & banana

L: Lentil soup, apple

D: Roast & Gorgonzola salad, peas

Todays Food:

B: Potato, cheese & egg, banana

L:  Lentil soup, apple

D: Roast & Gorgonzola salad, corn

My job this week is to use up all of the leftovers in the fridge. I should go buy apples, bananas, and lettuce this morning, but we need to use up all of the fruit on hand and I find myself without the energy to face the grocery store.

Saddest of all is just remembering that I didn't use my nightly check off list before bed last night, which means I also didn't write in my gratitude journal. Wow, the only thing I did do on my list yesterday is take a walk; I am so rocking this new routine!! Interestingly enough I did weigh myself, I seem to be able to remember that each morning since deciding to weigh daily for a month. I didn't even write that on the list. I need a check off list for marking on my check off list. But it just goes to show that I am still obsessed with the number on the scale.

And here I am back into the thick of it, where instead of my life being more free because I'm eating three meals a day and not stressing about food the rest of the time I am starting to once again focus all of my time and energy on 'doing it right' and letting it consume me. Yet another deep breath later and I am aware that this is just a learning curve, so to speak, and that once I get my routines in place to the point that they are just an automatic part of my self care I won't feel overwhelmed. That they won't feel contrived and pointless. That they will support me by replenishing my will power and that I will stop eating at night.

I will do this. I will be unstoppable. But at the  moment I will go get a cup of tea and socks because my feet are freezing.