I am still mulling over my IFS session, and trying to keep the new part present enough to engage her. This is easy during the day as a conscious decision, but at night when I need to do my parts work with her it's easier said than done. And come to think of it, she doesn't really have the 'I don't care' attitude I wanted to address in my session. Perhaps it was another part, a different protector I made contact with.
I have to believe that I am making progress, no matter the evidence to the contrary. Not really evidence, just small signs that I am still not losing weight despite my efforts to not eat at night. G from my Master Mind Group offered up a You Tube talk on night time eating that I will search out today; something about our left and right brain and how it's not my 'fault'. I could use some encouragement along those lines. But worse case scenario I am not binging, and at least maintaining my loss. Mostly. Within reason given how our bodies can fluctuate. No, I have not weighed myself since the 1st, I'm just going by how my clothes feel and how I look.
I tried to take a picture of myself to post on Friday with a before picture, but I looked so old and saggy and tired I deleted the photo. I'll need to wait for a 'good' day when I have slept well and don't look so paunchy. Like it matters, I'm such a piece of work!
Today's Food:
B: Cheese, Triscuits, banana
L: Deviled eggs, left over soup veggies (brussels sprouts, carrots, onions, celery)
D: Chili w/lots of peppers and onions, fresh tomato and chopped red onion
Back when I was eating for nutrition I would make myself a large chopped salad for lunch, and a veggie, bean stoup for dinner. At the time I would add rice or a little pasta to the soup to round it out, and once I am truly at a place where I am supposed to be maintaining my weight I will be able to do that again. The pasta won't be grain though - it will come from beans or lentils - to keep the meal Bright. The initial reason I stopped eating that way was because I went back to work and didn't have time to do the food prep. Then of course came the fast food and bread and pastries associated with my new jobs and down the rabbit hole of addiction I went.
But now I am working from home, and most days C naps giving me ample time for meal planning and food prep. Even, like today, the opportunity to run to the store for groceries. Maybe I should just go back to eating for nutrition while I follow my Bright Lines; that is the eventual goal anyway so why not now? I've been leaning that way for a while, I think I just need to adjust my focus a little and get on with it.
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A peanut butter sandwich later I am not sure exactly what happened. I was lying there watching the end of yet another Christmas movie when my stomach started rumbling. I started thinking about having not eaten for six hours, and the next thing I knew I was back in my 'I don't care' mode. This is how we know we are made up of different parts; one cannot want and not want the same thing - it takes two to have an argument. I was obviously bored, and while tired not yet sleepy, and frankly just not interested in the myriad of tasks that could keep me busy. We got a lot done today; I went shopping at lunch for ingredients to make Chili for dinner. The new rug arrived for the living room so there was vacuuming and mopping to do as well as pushing around heavy furniture and dragging the old rug out and the new one in. The old one is now in the garage to help warm up M's new office space, and the new one, while a lighter grey than it appeared to be on my computer screen, is still pretty and doing a great job of making the couch look worn.
But I'm just rambling, and tonight I do feel the guilt of having gone off plan. I have heard before that we sometimes have to wait for that right moment to jump back in, but I am seriously tired of waiting for the magic to come back. I know at the least that I will have another Bright Line day tomorrow, it just sucks that I can't also know that I will have a Bright Line night.
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