Trailhead: eating in the middle of the night.
I couldn't visualize this part that is so adamant about eating at night. She is strong and brooks no argument when it's time to head to the kitchen and hunt down something, anything, to eat. Today in an IFS session I was able to give a face to that part; at the beginning of the session she is just a figure, with a dark flowing cape swirling around her that creates a barrier that I can't cross. During the visualization she finally takes back her hood to reveal she is about 13, with a bad case of acne. She remains a closed book, communicating nothing, but emanating strength. The memory comes of creeping up the wooden stairs in the middle of the night, avoiding the places that squeak, to sneak something out of the fridge. Specifically I can see and almost taste the slices of roast beef and cheddar cheese that I loved eating together, alone in the night, in the kitchen on Lemoyne Street where I spent winters growing up.
The session evolved, with her sitting down across the kitchen table from me in front of our big beautiful picture window that looked down over downtown LA to the South and Mt. Baldy to the North. The place I sat was a 'safe' place in my memories, where my Aunt B would sit reading and eating her supper while the rest of the family did the same downstairs in the living room. My Aunt was ten years younger than my Mother, and looking back I can't blame her for wanting to distance herself. But back to my session. We sat across from one another, admiring the view together, but she wouldn't talk to me. Instead she wanted to put up the Christmas Star in the window - a favorite childhood tradition- and doing that together she finally started letting down her guard, and her energy began to wane.
We didn't talk, but she agreed in other ways that this was a beginning, and that she could met me here at the table another time. At the beginning of the session I was so angry with her for being the part who wanted to eat, and at the end I was letting her know that while I may be mad, I do love her and want to understand why she needs so desperately to eat. The feeling I had was that she just needed to be upstairs, that she wasn't safe downstairs. Given my history of being molested that is not surprising, but what is surprising is that I have no memory of being abused in that particular house.
My inclination at first was to worry about that detail, but my beautiful MasterMind group reminded me that it's okay to go slow, and not remembering isn't a bad thing, it's just part of the process.
I realized at the end of the session that the girl had aged a little, and that her complexion had cleared up. I sort of overlayed her image with a young Stevie Nicks in one of her concert costumes. I think I did it to one, distance myself from her a little, and two, be able to recreate the image so I have something to focus on tonight should the unwelcome urge to eat appear.
Because now I have a beginning, a place to meet this part and hopefully develop a relationship that will result in her not badgering me to eat. Wouldn't that be wonderful.
My team reminds me to ease up on being self-critical, and I will try to take that to heart. I think I am getting better at forgiving myself, and being kinder towards my younger self and the things that happened, that she let happen. It's all a work in progress. I, am just a work in progress, even at this late date in the game.
Today's Food:
B: Cheese, Triscuits, green grapes
L: Cheese burger, fries, decaf coffee with cream
D: Black and Blue salad with carrots, green onions & artichoke hears, yam skin
I know yam skin sounds strange, but it was left over from making yam pudding, and it's so delicious I saved it for a dinner one night. Tonight was that night, and I'm glad I saved it. Being a penny pincher does come in handy sometimes.
Time to relax and play a game, enjoy the warmth of a small fire, and reflect on the gifts of the day.
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