A little Better

 It was a quiet, ordinary, day with the exception of a transitional moment that has somehow brought me back around to a more calm state. C and I were taking a walk, and had stopped at the local 'tot-lot' to play. "What would you like today, Grama?" "How about a hot pastrami sandwich?" I replied. "Would you like cheese with that?" He asked very concerned and polite. "No thank you, just mustard and pickles please."

Playing restaurant is a long time favorite, and we both knew our roles well. Afterwards we continued our walk as part of a never ending search for 'his' cat. We had run across what I guess to be a stray last Summer, and he was very enamored of the scruffy little thing who had rubbed up against his legs and meowed pitifully for attention. We've seen him/her a couple of other times, but today was not one of those days. As we started back home C once again wanted to stop and play on the slide, but I was wearing boots instead of my usual flat tennies, and had both a hip and a knee that were painful. And I was hungry, it was past my lunch time. I went from loving Grama to witch in about a second flat. "No, we can't stop to play, I need to get home and have lunch." 

Realizing my temperament was a little out of control, I questioned the level of anxiety I was feeling. My chest and abdomen felt hollow, vacant. And I stopped walking. C went to play on the slide and I stood there and let myself feel whatever it was my body was trying to express instead of running home. I simply stood there and just breathed through it until my mind was calm and my body had discharged the anxiety.

Analyzing what led up to this moment I realized I had been thinking about the pain, and how I was never going to be the senior archer I had once dreamed of being. That here I was old and feeling decrepit instead of strong and healthy. Not new thoughts, but an old story that I apparently tell myself when I am feeling down. And as we know, thoughts are things. This is why I have walked around with ear buds filling my head with stories for the past fourteen years - to keep out the negative thoughts. But I need to pay attention to C when we are walking and can't do that, and so the thoughts wheedle their way in.

But I have learned a thing or two this past year, and learning that feelings aren't the stories we tell ourselves but rather the sensations in our body, well knowing this gave me the pause I needed to stop, and breathe, and let myself feel.  And feeling gave me some measure of release that was unrelated to food for a change. 

So still a little sad, 'tis the season after all, but no longer in the depths of despair. We finished our walk in good spirits and had lunch once back at home. Well, I did, C's appetite is not good today. A banana and chocolate covered raisins was his fare.

Today's Food:

B:    Oatmeal, tart cherries & one medjool date, almonds

L:     Veggie, lentil stoup, apple

D:     Pork, roasted veggies, green salad with lots of broccoli, bleu cheese dressing

I'm off work tonight, time to go see what the family is up to this evening.